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Dowster · **Posted:** Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:34 pm

Yeah I can convince myself the rest are true, but not that one..

GIANA · **Posted:** Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:18 am

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been
standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle. She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or
maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said, "Who are you ?" "I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied. "Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

GIANA · **Posted:** Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:40 pm

Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water efore you enter." The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER bottom IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

GIANA · **Posted:** Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:35 pm

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren

GIANA · **Posted:** Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:15 am

A very rich maharajah decided to give his daughter and his kingdom to the guy who would bring to him the most precious ping-pong balls. Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle. The maharajah was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly a beat-up guy holding a pair of watermellon-shaped black things, shows up screaming "hold it, I brought them"... The maharajah says "But, these are not ping-pong balls". Then the guy, startled, says:"Ping Pong? poutine..I heard King Kong"

GIANA · **Posted:** Tue Aug 03, 2010 12:48 pm

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck
is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't
dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

GIANA · **Posted:** Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:57 pm

Pick-Up Line - Bomb Squad

-Lets play bomb squad, I'll lie down and you blow the Hell out of me.

GIANA · **Posted:** Thu Aug 05, 2010 2:28 pm

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

Clarence · **Joined:** Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:49 pm **Posts:** 3995

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have the camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges.' Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane tickle fight with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

GIANA · **Posted:** Tue Aug 10, 2010 9:17 am

Americans and Russians were competing who would go to the moon and build more on it.

The minister comes to the American president: Mister President, the Russians have already launched their spaceship!

President: Yes, yes, let them!

A few days later: Mister President, the Russians have already landed on the moon!
President: Yes, yes, calm down!

In a week: Mister President, it's the Russians, the started painting the moon red!
President: That's fine, just fine!

In a month: Mister President, the Russians have painted half the moon red, we'd better do something too!!
President: No, no, don't worry!

In two months: Mister President, the Russians have finished painting the moon, the whole moon is red now!!
President: That's great, now send our spaceship up there to write Coca-Cola on it!

GIANA · **Posted:** Fri Aug 13, 2010 9:13 am

WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

GIANA · **Posted:** Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:59 am

Q: Why do they give female names to natural disasters?

A: When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone. . .

UnknownSoldier · **Posted:** Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:56 pm

GIANA wrote:

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

I love that!!!

UnknownSoldier · **Posted:** Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:24 pm

GIANA wrote:

Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?

why yes... yes I do

chex · **Posted:** Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:32 pm

And I get to meet you when?

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