Chapter 133 --> Wheelchair of Death (Xmas episode)

[Clarence]

Merry Christmas everyone! Let's get our Christmas episode on!!!

~~~

Weed Man is walking down the street eating a giant pretzel.

Weed Man: Oh man... this new pretzel place is amazing... nothing could ruin this moment for me.

Suddenly Weed Man gets hit HARD in the FACE with a shovel.

Weed Man: DAMN! What was that?

Weed Man goes to take another bite out of his pretzel when this happens again.

Weed Man: This pretzel is beating me down!

Shovel Wielder: No you idiot, that was ME!

Weed Man: Huh?

Weed Man gets hit for a third time very hard in the head with a shovel.

Weed Man: Why are you doing this man? Where's your Christmas spirit?

Shovel Wielder: I have been hired to kill you....

Weed Man: Who are you?

We reveal a man who sort of looks like the Undertaker from professional wrestling but very dirty and is holding a large shovel.

Shovel Wielder: I am The Grave Digger!!! I have been hired by the Dark Lord of Crime to kill you!

Weed Man: Can I finish my pretzel first?

The Grave Digger: The only thing that you're going to finish today, is your life!!!

Weed Man: No, I think I'm gonna finish my pretzel.

*SMACK WITH THE SHOVEL*

Weed Man: OK bud, what is this anyway... are you planning to beat me to death with a shovel?

The Grave Digger: Actually I beat people down with this shovel while at the same time digging a hole... usually people get knocked out and are buried alive... but your head is thick..... also because it's winter I can't bury you in the ground so I'll have to bury you in the snow.

Weed Man just wants to eat his pretzel so he uses his free hand to sucker punch The Grave Digger and he collapses into a police officer's arms that walks by.

Police Officer Linda (Holding lifeless The Grave Digger): What the....

Weed Man (mouth full of pretzel): Arrest that man!

~~~~

Inside the mansion, Amanda is on the couch breast feeding little Samantha while Steve decorates the Christmas tree. Despite the fact that a lot of the mansion was trashed last week, they still have plenty of rooms to live in while the rest is being repaired.

Steve: This is going to be the best Christmas ever! A real Christmas with a real family! Unlike that shitty previous Christmas where we all almost died...

Amanda looks up and smiles at Steve.

Amanda: We did it Steve... we got the dream life! A real family with the man of my dreams!

Steve: You're the woman of my dreams!

Amanda: Nothing could ruin this moment...

Suddenly Dave bursts in.

Dave: Hey bro, bro wife and bro kid!

Steve: What do you want Phil?

Dave: Phil?

Steve: Sorry.... must have confused you for someone else annoying.

Dave: Ya setting up the Christmas tree eh? Want some help?

Steve: You couldn't help me when me and my wife who was about to give birth was in danger, but you can help me decorate at Christmas?

Dave: .... yes?

Steve: Here, you can put up this decoration.

Steve hands Dave a little snow man decoration thing.

Dave: Where does it go?

Steve: You know that old church on the other side of town? Way off on Hope Street? It goes there.

Dave is very upset and looks at Amanda.

Amanda: Don't look at me... you weren't there when we needed you the most ... we could have been killed.

Dave leaves and is very upset, he goes into his garage and eats weed brownies and destroys the Lego village which distracted him from saving his friends in the last episode. He then proceeds to begin construction of a new village out of Mega Blocks.

Amanda: .... maybe we're being too rough on him? I mean he left us high and dry... but at the same time we got out of it OK.

Steve: Yeah, but he ignored our cries for help... I'm just disappointed... I expected more from my brother / replacement hero and now I feel I can't rely on him for anything. When ever I see him now it just reminds me of almost losing you.

Amanda: It's Christmas.

Steve: Maybe I'll talk to him about it after Christmas, right now I just want to have a stress-free relaxing Christmas with you. Let's just stay here with our new baby and not go anywhere!

Amanda: We need diapers...

Steve: Damn it.

Amanda: We can get Dave to get them for us.

Steve: No, he would just screw it up, I'll get them!

~~~

Pigeon Man goes outside with a mostly empty beer bottle and stretches and squints in the bright son. From here, he pisses on the snow as his henchmen have destroyed the bathroom.

Pigeon Man (while peeing): Awwwww.... nothing could ruin this moment!

Looking across the street, he sees movers bringing stuff into the neighbours house.

Pigeon Man: Huh.... new neighbours. Are they in for a surprise living in this neighbourhood.

Suddenly a man dressed in a blue costume with a blue mask over his eyes approaches.

Pigeon Man: ...who are you?

Blue costumed man: I am The Blue Candelabra! I'm a distant cousin to The Green Lantern! Are you also a super hero?

Pigeon Man: No... I'm a bad guy....

The Blue Candelabra: Well my friend, I guess that makes us enemies!

Pigeon Man: No... ummmm ....

Pigeon Man makes his way back to his doorway and stands right on the doorway frame while holding the door and facing The Blue Candelabra.

Pigeon Man: Sorry, I only do this with Steroids Man.

The Blue Candelabra: From what I hear Steroids Man has retired, it's all about Weed Man in these parts around here.

Pigeon Man: Yeah... well me and Steroids Man go way back so.... I'm going to shut the door now.

The Blue Candelabra: I'm afraid I can't accept that, I will have to fulfill my obligation as a hero and keep at you.

Pigeon Man: What...

The Blue Candelabra: Let's try some of this for today.

The Blue Candelabra grabs Pigeon Man's head and smashes his temple HARD into the door frame and he collapses! The Blue Candelabra walks away with a smile on his face as Pigeon Man convulses and bleeds out in the doorway.

The Blue Candelabra: I'll be back later for more!

~~~

We cut to a fancy skyscraper, at the top of this large building, on secret floors of the buildings, we pan to the inside of the structure which is HUGE and rich looking, we hear music playing:

"Ruffneck" by Skrillex is playing very loudly.

Here sits the "Dark Lord of Crime" and approaching with a mysterious wrapped box is his newest assistant, Mr. Devilish.

Mr. Devilish is a skinny guy with a red face and long black trench-coat with red evil designs on it ... he basically looks like a skinny Satan.

Dark Figure: What is it?

Mr. Devilish: My lord.... I found this box addressed to you.

The dark figure looks over the box.

Dark Figure: This appears to be a gift from your previous assistant, Mr. Weasely.

(Mr. Weasely was killed horribly recently as punishment after a great blunder cost the dark figure his opportunity to eliminate all the good guys and bad guys.)

Dark Figure: "Don't open til Christmas" ... what a waste of my time.

Mr. Devilish: Aren't you going to open it? Aren't you curious???

Dark Figure: Fine.

The dark figure opens the package to reveal....

Dark Figure: SOCKS?!?!?!?!? I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM SOONER!!!!

~~~~

Cut to a a very run down and desperately poor trailer park in the bad part of town. The camera pans to one particular trailer which is very beat up and we pan inside .....

Dougette, the robot and Ultra Evil Man are sitting around a very crappy Christmas tree. Ultra Evil Man has been living here since the horrifying events at the hero vrs villain baseball game.

Dougette: I can't wait! Let's exchange gifts now!

Dougette opens her gift from the robot.

Dougette: Wow... a large heart shaped box of chocolates ... how uninspired ... is this Christmas or Valentines day?

Robot: UMMMM..... HURTFUL.

Dougette: Open yours.

The robot opens his gift.

Robot: A BOX OF MAGNETS?!?!?

Dougette: Yeah.

Robot: YOU KNOW MAGNETS SCREW UP MY ROBOT PARTS!!!

Dougette turns to Ultra Evil Man.

Dougette: Did you get me anything sexy?

Ultra Evil Man: No.

Dougette: Well I got YOU something!

Dougette hands Ultra Evil Man the same box of chocolates she received from the robot.

Ultra Evil Man (excited): OHHHH!!!! CHOCOLATES!!!!

Robot: HEY!!!

~~~~~

Steve is walking down the street to his car which is parked really far away due to last minute shoppers. He is carrying a large box of diapers that is awkward.

Steve: I may have unlimited wealth, but finding a deal like this still makes me happy! Nothing could ruin this moment!

Steve suddenly has a strange feeling he's being followed and looks back to see an abandoned wheelchair in the distance.

Steve: Weird.

Steve keeps walking and looks back to see this empty wheelchair is suddenly closer. Steve shrugs it off and presses on but then discovers the wheelchair is REALLY close now!

Steve: What the smurf!?!?

Steve freaks out and runs into a random alley with a fence at the end and waits it out while breathing heavy and holding the box of diapers.

Steve: Who needs drugs when the real world is so scary!?

Suddenly the wheelchair rolls into the alley with Steve cutting off the exit. The wheelchair looks very high tech and fancy ... maybe from the future?

Steve: What's happening?

Suddenly the wheelchair begins to speak in a computer voice.

Evil Wheelchair: Are you the human designated Steroids Man?

Steve: No.

Evil Wheelchair: Understood -- will resume search and destroy mission.

Steve: Well you're not going to find him, because he's ME and I'm RETIRED!

Suddenly the high tech wheelchair draws guns from secret compartments that aim at Steve.

Evil Wheelchair: You must be destroyed!!!

Steve: AHHHHH!!!!

Steve drops the box of diapers and climbs the fence in the middle of the alley, but his extreme weight causes the fence to fall over and he runs out to the other side narrowly avoiding bullets that shoot at him!

Steve: What is happening!

Steve suddenly looks down to see another fancy high tech wheelchair but maybe of slightly less awesome quality.

Steve: Oh no! Karma is after me for my horrible abuse of handicapped people!!!

Good Wheelchair: Sit on me if you want to live.

Steve tries to retrace his steps to try to remember if he accidentally smoked or ate some of Dave's weed... but before he can think too hard, the evil wheelchair emerges from the alley and prepares to fire! The good wheelchair quickly swoops in crashes into Steve's knees and Steve falls into the good wheelchair's seat as it spins around! The good wheelchair speeds away but is chased by the evil wheelchair! During the chase, the evil wheelchair shoots bullets at the good wheelchair, but the good wheelchair blocks all the bullets with it's back while Steve cringes in horror on the seat.

Steve: I really wish I put on one of those diapers before this all started!

The good wheelchair opens up a compartment to reveal a shotgun that's aimed backwards at the evil wheelchair chasing them. Steve looks back as the good wheelchair shoots at the evil wheelchair a few times causing large metal gashes to open... but barely slowing him down. Steve then sees that the metal gashes heal up and the evil wheelchair is good as new and gaining fast!

Good Wheelchair: Get down!!

Steve curls up into a ball while riding the good wheelchair and the good wheelchair shoots at a large fuel truck which EXPLODES causing much destruction and catching the evil wheelchair in the explosion as well! They speed off away from the explosion.

Steve: Thank goodness that's over!

Good Wheelchair: I'm afraid not....

In the distance Steve can make out the evil wheelchair emerging from the flames and is fine.

Steve: ...why can't I ever have a sane Christmas?

~~~~~

Amanda answers the door bell while holding the baby to reveal.... FRED THE DESTROYER OF HOLIDAY SPIRIT!

Fred: That's right! It's Christmas time again and I have come to OBLITERATE YOUR HOLIDAY EXPERIENCE!

Amanda: Please leave.

Fred: Not while you still have an ounce of Christmas cheer left!!

Amanda sighs at this mild annoyance when *SMACK*!!!! Weed Man comes out of nowhere and beats the CRAP out of Fred the Destroyer of Holiday Spirit!

Weed Man: And take some of this!

Weed Man continues to beat down Fred until he's finished and throws him on the curb for the cops to pick up.

Weed Man: I saved your life! Now we can be friends again?

Amanda: Well... I don't think I was even danger with that guy ... but sure...

Weed Man: sweet.

Amanda: Actually... can you help me with the baby until Steve gets back? This is a lot of work and I'm so tired!

Weed Man: Sure thing Bro Wife!

Amanda: ...don't call me that.

~~~~~

Pigeon Man is inside his fancy house with a large whiteboard ... he is drawing up evil plans against Steroids Man in his daily meeting with the henchmen.

Pigeon Man: ...so when he comes out, we throw the custard at him!!!

Suddenly, The Blue Candelabra peeks in through an already broken window as Pigeon Man and his henchmen look over.

The Blue Candelabra: Good day, boys!

Pigeon Man: Oh crap.

The Blue Candelabra: Doing some evil plotting are we?

Pigeon Man: Get out of here! Go find another villain to bother!

The Blue Candelabra: Sorry friend, but you're the closest! I'm going have to throw a grenade at you I'm afraid.

Pigeon Man: ...what.

The Blue Candelabra holds a grenade in the window, pulls the pin and tosses it in the middle of the henchmen and then runs.

Pigeon Man: Son of a ....

All the pigeon men run out of the living room which explodes!!!

~~~~

Weed Man has been helping out Amanda in Steve's absence. He's being a surprisingly good helper.

Amanda: Wow, you're going to make a great father some day! Would you mind giving her some milk now while I finish the laundry?

Weed Man: Sure thing, just let me finish putting lighter fluid in my hand.

Amanda: ...what?

Weed Man: Well my robot hand with the lighter finger... out of fuel.

Amanda: Let's have you do the laundry and I'll focus on the baby.

Weed Man: Anything to help my friend!

Weed Man is trying to make up for his recent blunder of not realizing Steve and Amanda were in trouble while he was playing Legos in the garage. Weed Man has since explained to Amanda that he set up new alarms tied to his phone that will alert him if there is danger, regardless of how stoned he is.

As Weed Man goes to do the laundry, Amanda gives the baby milk while starting to get concerned with Steve's lateness.

Amanda: ....where is he???

~~~~~

Steve walks into a gun shop and the good wheelchair rolls in on it's own which confuses the shopkeeper greatly.

Shop keeper: What the...

Steve (To Good Wheelchair): Why are we here again Mr. Wheelchair?

Good Wheelchair: My name is Melvin and we must acquire weapons to fight the evil wheelchair.

The wheelchair rolls closer to the shop keeper.

Good Wheelchair: I require a phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range.

Shop Keeper: I'm done ...

The shop keeper leaves the shop while talking to himself.

Shop keeper: When wheelchairs buy guns.... too much ... help yourself.

Steve: Ok ... Melvin... why are we buying guns?

Good Wheelchair: To combat the evil wheelchair that wishes to have you killed.

Steve: But .... don't you have weapons?

Good Wheelchair: I am afraid not.... I am not as advanced as the evil wheelchair that pursues you.

Steve: DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!?!!? TELL ME RIGHT NOW!!

Good Wheelchair: You surely remember the handicapped villain who goes by the name of "Wheels".

Steve gets up and close to the wheelchair's face and looks very serious now.

Steve: I have never in my life heard of such a person!

Good Wheelchair: That person wanted you to be killed with great passion, my records show him as currently being dead.

Steve: OK....

Good Wheelchair: Before he died... he worked in a secret lab and designed me to be the ultimate self aware wheelchair and to assist him in killing you. Much to his disliking, I developed compassion and wished not to kill you.....

#Flashback to Wheels in his wheelchair working on another wheelchair in his secret lab under KFC circa season 1/2.

Wheels: Yes... my greatest invention... now you will help me kill Steroids Man!

Good Wheelchair: No... that sounds mean.

Wheels: smurf it, I'll build a better evil wheelchair.

#Back to present.

Good Wheelchair: My creator deactivated me and went to work on a much more efficient wheelchair with weapons! This upgraded wheelchair was completely evil and loyal to Wheels and would stop at nothing until you are dead....

Steve continues to listen but has a glazed look on his eyes.

Good Wheelchair: Despite the fact that I was a failure in the eyes of my creator, I was left in his lab with the newer advanced model. During a great conflict, Wheels' lab collapsed and we were buried under miles of rock under the old KFC for years! (Episode 15 - when Wheels, Metal Face and Dr. Bad had an epic battle down there.)

Steve is starting to nod off and drool on himself.

Good Wheelchair: The vibrations of the lab caving in caused me and the evil chair to activate, we worked together to dig our way out... but it took years.... we made it out this morning.

#Flashback to this morning.

We show a vacant lot and suddenly the two self aware wheelchairs emerge from the dirt.

Good Wheelchair: We did it Marcus.... we finally are free to experience the greatest gift of all ... life... I can't wait to explore this world!

Bad Wheelchair: Agreed.

Good Wheelchair: What shall we do first?

Bad Wheelchair: I must first complete my mission and kill the one called Steroids Man.

Good Wheelchair: No... that's ignorant....

Bad Wheelchair: I'm going and you can't stop me. Later we will reconvene and play tennis.

The bad wheelchair wheels off into the sunrise.

Good Wheelchair: Oh great, my first day on the surface world is going to be full of drama....

#Back to present.

Steve is passed out on the floor using a box of bullets as a pillow.

Good Wheelchair: WAKE UP!!!!

Steve: Huh.... what..... I want to go home to my wife now.

Good Wheelchair: Negative... now that we have established a connection to the world databases we both know that she will be his next target. The evil wheelchair will infiltrate your mansion and kill your wife and be waiting for you there.

Steve: OH BALLS!!!!! WE HAVE TO GO THERE NOW!!!!!

Good Wheelchair: Negative... the evil wheelchair will most likely try to reacquire you there!

Steve: He's going to be reacquiring my fists when I show up there!

~~~~

We show a house that is decorated beyond belief! It is the single greatest display of Christmas decorations ever, in fact it was just awarded best decorated place in Marzipan City!

The Blue Candelabra stands outside his house and admires his handy work, yes it was him who won.

The Blue Candelabra: Oh yeah, this will make all the bad guys jealous!

Pigeon Man goes to sneak out of his house across the street so he can get some booze but is spotted.

The Blue Candelabra: Hey there evil doer!

Pigeon Man: Oh shazam!...

The Blue Candelabra: You like my decorations? I won best decorated house!

Pigeon Man: Yes... that's nice....

The Blue Candelabra: Take a good view of it ... it's going to be the last thing you see.

The Blue Candelabra takes out two guns and begins to approach Pigeon Man.

Pigeon Man: STOP!!!! I'll be a good guy now just stop torturing me!!!

The Blue Candelabra: Too late friend.

Suddenly and without warning, Fred The Destroyer of Holiday Spirit appears behind The Blue Candelabra and stabs him in the back with an icicle. The Blue Candelabra is killed instantly and collapses while Fred yells "CHRISTMAS POWER!" and blows up the telephone pole feeding power to the amazing light display and then rides away on a white horse.

Pigeon Man: That was random ... but I'll take it!

Pigeon Man breathes a sigh of relief that he can now go to the liquor store safely and can focus on Steroids Man again.

(By the way, Fred WAS sent to jail earlier by Weed Man, but upon review he was deemed not worthy of crowding up the makeshift jail in the town which was already packed with more serious villains)

~~~~

Amanda suddenly hears the door bell ring and goes to answer excitedly with the baby in hand. She opens the door to reveal Steve.

Amanda: You're finally home! Where have you been?

Steve: It is time for intercourse ... invite me into your dwelling!

Amanda: Huh....

Steve: Invite me inside and we can begin coitus.

Amanda: What is happening....

We show outside and pan out to see this is not the real Steve interacting with Amanda ... it's a holographic image coming from a light source on the evil wheelchair!

Suddenly the evil wheelchair gets shot a few times and we see the good wheelchair holding a smoking double barreled shot gun and the real Steve next to him.

Good Wheelchair: Good thing you didn't invite him in... wheelchairs can not enter a home without being invited in!

Steve runs into the house and we hear the door lock. The good wheelchair approaches the door and tries to open it but can't.

Good Wheelchair: What a princess sophia move...

Bad Wheelchair: So we shoot at each other then, yes?

Good Wheelchair: I spose.

We go to inside where Steve and Amanda hug while gun shots are constantly heard outside.

Steve: So glad to be home ... sorry I didn't get the diapers....

Suddenly Weed Man enters the room holding a basket of freshly folded laundry.

Weed Man: No worries bro, I got them!

Steve: What's HE doing in here?

Amanda: He's actually helped me get a lot of stuff done! We should have a relaxing Christmas now!

Steve: Wow.... thanks Dave.

Amanda: It's time to forgive him. Let's enjoy Christmas now!

Steve: OK.

Weed Man: Hug it out?

Steve: Ummmm.....

Weed Man goes and joins Steve and Amanda in a wonderful group hug and all is forgiven.

Narrator: And on that magical night, Steve, Amanda and Dave partied and enjoyed the full spirit of Christmas with wonderment and joy for all! Outside, the two sentient wheelchairs dueled until they ran out of bullets ... at which point they took turns ramming into each other. Later that night a wonderful winter storm rolled in, and because wheels, the creator, never finished his designs and put in the intended weather stripping, both wheelchairs were destroyed forever.

The end and Merry Christmas everyone!