Chapter 108 --> Hero School

[Clarence]

A top secret government general is coming home from work to greet his wife and kids. He comes inside and hangs up his hat and uniform.

General: Hello?

The general goes from room to room turning on lights but nobody appears to be home.

General: What's going on?

The general comes into a room and turns on a light and walks in. Phil comes up from behind with a syringe and injects it into the general's neck and he falls to the floor.

Phil: Perfect, dead without damaging the body.

Phil climbs on top of the body and opens the general's eyelids.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is meeting with Phil in his office. He has redecorated.

Steroids Man: Nice .... mid-evil weapons you have placed all over.

Phil: I find them relaxing.

Steroids Man: Ok then....... what did you call me in here for?

Phil: I got you something fun to do.

Steroids Man: Oh?

Phil: Yes. I have signed you up to help teach a classroom of junior super heroes.

Steroids Man: ....what?

Phil: You can guide these new heroes with your knowledge.

Steroids Man: Why would I want to do that?

Phil: Because they look up to you, you're a real hero and so on.

Steroids Man: But...

Phil: Do it.

Steroids Man: ...ok

Phil: Good, it will be the perfect distraction for you.

Steroids Man: What was that?

Phil: Goodbye.

Suddenly a worm is seen wriggling out of Phil's ear.

Steroids Man: Hey you got a little.... worm crawling out of your ear.

The worm is now crawling around on Phil's face.

Phil: No I don't.

Steroids Man: Ummm...

Phil: GO!!!!!

Steroids Man leaves the room quickly.

~~~~~~

Steroids Man arrives at the school for heroes and enters the classroom to see the students:

Mold Man: Big fat guy wearing dark blue and black who has a breathing problem. He shoots mold spores at people.

Stamina Man: He has a lot of stamina... that's about it.

Ryan: An incredibly loud speaking guy who is annoying as old hell.

Stan: Enormous muscle bound man who looks up to Steroids Man. Takes a lot of protein and muscle growth pills.

Hand: A guy with a giant hand on his costume who believes he has hand powers.

The Eavesdropper: A guy wearing green and kind of looks like Robin Hood with incredible skills that involve sneaking in on other people's conversations.

Flamer: A guy wearing VERY tight spandex with pink flames over a purple background.

Crowbar: A guy who just carries a crowbar.

Velcro man: A man covered in Velcro but also has a seeing disorder and vertigo.

Ricky: Just a guy in a karate gi with a racing helmet on wearing boxing gloves and cleats.

Lord Sinister: A bald scientist looking guy in a white lab coat / trench coat and yellow dish washing gloves. Wears a strange set of goggles that looks like they shoot lasers.

Kal Fiend: A caffeine addict who never stops moving.

Steroids Man looks at the students and then sees someone standing in front of the class.

Ultra Man: What.... the hell are you doing here?

Steroids Man: Sit down student, I'm going to teach this class now!

Ultra Man: I'm not a student!!!! It's ME!!! Ultra Man!!! Remember?

Steroids Man: Nice super hero name, what are your powers little boy?

Ultra Man: What the smurf are you doing here???

Steroids Man: I have been sent here to teach this class.

Ultra Man: I'm suppose to teach these heroes!

Steroids Man: Well we can both do it.

Ultra Man: I need to take some pills.

Ultra Man takes a LARGE container of miscellaneous pills out of the teacher's desk and pours them out on the top of the desk. He then smashes the pills with a hammer until they are dust and sucks them all in with a straw.

The class and Steroids Man look on in awe.

Ultra Man: Fine then, I'll play your little game. We will both teach the class, if only to show them WHAT NOT TO DO as a hero.

Steroids Man (drinking wine): Cool beans.

Ultra Man (taking DayQuil mixed with cough medicine): Ok then. Let's get to know the class. So let's go around and introduce ourselves. I'm Ultra Man and I have been the leader of the Council of Heroes for many many decades. I have many unique powers that make Super Man look like a wimp.

Ultra Man looks over at Steroids Man who does nothing.

Ultra Man: Well?

Steroids Man: Well what?

Ultra Man: Introduce yourself.

Steroids Man: Oh, everyone already knows me, right?

Everyone in the class nods while Ultra Man looks very pissed off and takes some Aleve pills.

Mold Man: I'm Mold Man, when I was a kid I was trapped into a trailer filled with Mold for 5 years, since then I gained mold powers and emit a very powerful mold presence where-ever I go.

Ultra Man: You mean you're filling this room with mold right now?

Mold Man: Yes, I have no control over it.

Ricky (coughing violently): Are you serious? My asthma!

Ultra Man: Get the hell out!

Mold Man is kicked out of class and everyone relocates to a new room and continues the introductions.

Ricky: My name is Ricky. I know 5 different kinds of martial arts and won a boxing game once .... on the WII. Why is that impressive? Because I was very drunk at the time. I also used to play soccer before I broke my ankles. I never raced before... or been in a car if you're wondering about the race-car helmet... I stole it from my Dad.

Ultra Man: Wow....

Steroids Man: I can relate man, Dad's suck.

Velcro Man: I really like Velcro and .... who.... dizzy.....

Velcro Man falls out of his seat.

Kal Fiend is sound asleep and snoring.

Crowbar: I liked to hit things in my garage with this crowbar. So I bought more crowbars. I then thought, hey, I can beat criminals with a crowbar. Are you guys going to make me a costume?

Ultra Man: No, we will help you develop your skills as a hero, but you have to make your own costume.

The Eavesdropper: I'm the Eavesdropper!

Steroids Man: Why the Robin Hood costume?

The Eavesdropper: It's all I can afford...

Ultra Man: What's your powers?

The Eavesdropper: I can hear any conversation people have, no matter how far away.

Ultra Man (to Steroids Man): This is quite the class we have here, huh?

The Eavesdropper: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Flamer: I am the flamer. I am fabulous and can shoot fire out of my hands!

Steroids Man: Really? Show us!

Flamer: Well... I never did quite figure out how to make that happen. But my brother's, best friend's, uncle's, cousin's, next door neighbour was almost a pyrotechnician once.

Everyone groans.

Flamer: Ok, I'm lying, ok? I'm a terrible terrible liar and I can't stop lying no matter how hard I try! And I'm not gay, why does everyone think I'm gay! I'm so mad I could just knit a sweater!

Steroids Man: Wow.

Lord Sinister: When do we get the high powered death weapons?

Ultra Man: We're not giving out weapons of any kind. You can make your own that fits your theme.

Lord Sinister: Very well, I will make due with my technological laser goggles.

Steroids Man: Really? Is that what that is?

Lord Sinister: Observe!

Lord Sinister presses a button on the goggles and shoots a loud, high-powered laser at the teacher's desk and it explodes and rains down wood.

Flamer: Holy crap!!!

The Eavesdropper: What just happened?

Lord Sinister: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA The death!!! The destruction!!!! It makes me so horny!!!

Ultra Man: Are you sure you didn't mean to go to villain school?

Lord Sinister: They kicked me out.

Steroids Man: Let's get things moving, (to another student) tell me about you.

Hand: I am HAND.

Steroids Man: What do you do?

Hand: My hand is my weapon.

Steroids Man: Only one of your hands?

Hand: Yes. I can move it really fast.

Ryan (interrupting): NOBODY HAS ASKED ME ABOUT ME YET!!!!

Ultra Man: We were going to get to you....

Ryan: MY NAME IS RYAN!!!! I'M THE WORLD'S LOUDEST PERSON!!!! WHEN I SCREAM AT PEOPLE THEY RUN AWAY!

Steroids Man: Ok, we get it! Stop screaming!

Ryan: I'M NOT SCREAMING!!! THIS IS MY NORMAL VOICE!! DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME SCREAM?

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Steroids Man (to Stan): Ok, you're the last one, tell me about yourself.

Stan: My name is Stan. I don't really have a theme just yet but I'm a really strong guy. I love to work out. And I take plenty of muscle gain pills!

Steroids Man: Interesting.

Steroids Man is REALLY interested in Stan because he reminds him of a young Steroids Man.

Stan: I'm so glad you're teaching this class Steroids Man. You are my childhood hero!

Ultra Man: I'm also teaching this class now and I'm sure you all look up to me as much and even more than Steroids Man.

We here a lot of people saying things like "No" and "not really" and people shaking their head no.

Ultra Man looks pissed.

~~~~~~~~~

Phil is taking a break from his manager job and is watching a documentary explaining how the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid.

Dougette enters the room.

Phil: They think they got it all figured it out. They have no idea how wrong they are.

Dougette: Dude, you stink like a motherfucker!

Phil: What?

Dougette: You smell like a dead guy!

Phil: Alright, I'll fix it.

Phil leaves the room and Max the cat comes out from behind the TV and makes sure the coast is clear before he comes out from hiding.

Dougette: Sweet, I got the TV!

Later Phil enters the bathroom and locks himself inside. He removes his shirt to reveal a huge hole in his chest the size of a small plate.

Phil opens a package of tree shaped air fresheners and begins stapling them to his skin around his belly and sides and back and puts his shirt back on.

Phil: There, good as new.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man, Ultra Man and the 11 students are on a field trip to experience what it's like to fight a bad-guy. And they find their first challenge.

The Balancer: Nobody can stop me and my BALANCING POWERS! OBSERVE!

The Balancer grabs a bunch of random items like a lemon, a wine glass, a pencil, a slinky, a bar stool, a hammer, a toaster oven, etc etc etc and stacks them and balances them all on his hand.

The Balancer: How can you stand a chance against me!

Ryan: THIS GUY IS A JOKE!!!!!

Flamer: He's not a threat to anyone!

The Balancer: I'm a threat to your GIRLFRIENDS!!!!

Steroids Man: You guys are right, this so called bad-guy isn't a threat at all and isn't worth our time. Let's look for a bigger challenge.

Ultra Man: No, you never let a bad-guy get away!

Ultra Man runs up to The Balancer and kicks him with his ultra strength and The Balancer coughs up blood.

The Balancer: I'm ... *cough*... dying....

The Balancer goes up to a tree stump that was cut down recently (they're in a park) and balances himself on the stump and dies.

Crowbar: What the smurf man?

Kai Fiend: You killed that guy *yawn* for no reason.

Steroids Man: Yeah man... that was messed.

Ultra Man: You never let the bad-guy get away! What if he went and killed some innocent women or something?

Stan: How? Would he break into their apartment and balance their belongings?

Everyone laughs at Ultra Man who is turning red and taking blood pressure pills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phil is leading a bunch of scientists into a new top secret room at the top floor of the Steroids Mansion with a gun.

Phil: Get in there!

Scientist #3: Ok, ok! Please don't hurt us!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man, Ultra Man and the class find themselves all shackeled to the wall in a bad guy's house.

The Fondler: Yes, now that I have you all trapped, I will fondle you all!

The Fondler begins to fondle Stan.

The Fondler: Yes... I love to fondle!

Stan: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Ricky: What do we do?

Ultra Man: I don't know... I can't even believe we all got kidnapped so easily.

The Fondler: Nobody can stop The Fondler! I can fondle anything!

Steroids Man: Oh really?

The Fondler: Yes, ANYTHING.

Steroids Man: Prove it, fondle those exposed high voltage wires over there.

The Fondler: My pleasure.

The Fondler goes over to the wires and fondles them and gets zapped with high voltage and smokes and his heart explodes and he falls down dead.

Everyone except Ultra Man cheers.

Steroids Man effortlessly breaks free of the shackles.

Steroids Man: Ok, let's move on to our next lesson!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette goes to check on Phil and sees him hooked into a tube injecting something into his veins.

Dougette: What are you doing....

Phil: Injecting myself with embalming fluid.

Dougette: What was that?

Phil: I'm doing my taxes.

Dougette: But you just said...

Phil: Don't you have anything better to do than bother me?

Dougette: Obviously not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man and Ultra Man and the class are fighting a more serious villain.

Zorbon: You guys will never defeat me! I'm going to kill so many people this afternoon!

Steroids Man: This is your chance to show us what you got, attack him!

Ultra Man: I'm suppose to say that! I'm the main teacher!

Velcro Man: We'll get him, Steroids Man!

Ultra Man is pissed. The class all take turns attacking Zorbon and he is putting up a decent fight but is losing.

Ryan: YOU'RE GOING DOWN EVIL GUY!!!!

Zorbon: Damn it my ears!

Ricky hits him in the shoulder with a crowbar and Zorbon strikes back knocking him down.

Crowbar (to Ricky): Give me back my Crowbar!

Stan approaches and begins punching and kicking, knocking Zorbon down and is getting the edge while Steroids Man nods and smiles.

Steroids Man: Good job!

Zorbon cheats though and grabs some dirt and throws it in Stan's eyes.

Stan: smurf!

Ultra Man sees that Lord Sinister is doing nothing.

Ultra Man: Hey! Blast him with your laser goggles!

Lord Sinister: I can't. I love watching this bad guy do his work, he is amazing!

Velcro Man is laying on the ground with some stray cats stuck to him, and Flamer is trying to sew up a rip in his costume. The Eavesdropper is also distracted as he needs to clean out his ears with Q-tips.

Stamina Man is still full of energy and is running around everyone in circles super fast.

Steroids Man: What are you doing?

Stamina Man: I'm trying to turn back time so we can do this fight again, but with the element of surprise!

Hand: I think I sprained my hand!

Steroids Man: Come on guys, keep up the pace!

The student heroes are just barely winning when suddenly.

Zorbon: STOP!!!!

Everyone stops dead.

Zorbon: I'm done playing around. I'm going to unleash my secret weapon!

Stan: What's that?

Zorbon: My ability to transform!

Ultra Man: Oh no!

Zorbon: I can transform into a much more powerful form, observe!

Zorbon begins to scream and appears to be growing ever slightly larger and large waves of wind begin blowing off him.

Zorbon: YES!!! WHEN MY TRANSFORMATION IS COMPLETE, NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!

Flamer: Guys!!! What do we do? Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Ultra Man: All we can do is let him complete the transformation and then hope to beat him in the second round!

Everyone looks scared as Zorbon continues his transformation.

Steroids Man: Are you smurf serious?

Ultra Man: Let me teach this class, I know what I'm doing. A real hero always stands back when a transforming villain transforms!

Steroids Man: Students! Listen to me! You never, EVER let a transforming bad-guy finish his transformation. Ok?

Ultra Man: Shut up!

Steroids Man: A lot of heroes or TV shows always let the bad guy finish his transformation, but when they are transforming, that's when they're at their weakest. Observe.

Steroids Man begins walking up to Zorbon.

Zorbon: What are you doing?

Steroids Man injects Steroids into his leg and kicks Zorbon in the nuts so hard that his eyes pop out. Zorbon falls to the ground and blood comes out of his mouth and all the students cheer and rush over to Steroids Man.

Crowbar: Steroids Man, that was awesome!

Ryan YOU ARE THE BEST HERO EVER!!!!

Ultra Man is mega pissed and is giving himself a blood transfusion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is bored and is going to the top floor of the mansion. She quickly discovers that every entry point to the top floor is blocked off by new large steel doors.

Dougette: What the hell is going on?

Dougette approaches Phil in his office.

Dougette: Hey there...

Phil: Leave.

Dougette: Ok but I have a question for you.

Phil: No you don't.

Dougette: What's going on on the top floor? There's strange noises and stuff going on up there and it's all blocked off.

Phil: Very well.

Phil grabs a LARGE gun out of his desk drawer and begins walking towards Dougette. Dougette backs up into the living room.

Dougette: Ok, let's take it easy now!

Phil pushes Dougette into the wall and presses the gun HARD against his throat. Phil then lifts the gun up in the air and picks Dougette up with it. Dougette is now being held up in the air and against the wall by the barrel of the gun pointed deep under Dougette's chin.

Phil: Ask me another question, talk to me, look at me, or be in the same room with me again and I'll murder you and bury you in a swamp.

Amanda enters the room covered in sweat to see Phil holding Dougette up against the wall with the gun.

Amanda: Hey guys.

Amanda leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultra Man and Steroids Man are back in the classroom recapping the day.

Ultra Man: Well I hope you all learned a lot today.

Ricky: Well not from you!

Ultra Man: What....

Stan: Steroids Man was awesome! He gave us the best advise today!

Steroids Man: Thanks guys, you're all awesome!

Kal Fiend: No you are!

Ultra Man: Well hey guys, I'm awesome too.

Lord Sinister: Stop being so needy! Nobody gives a shazam! about you!

Ultra Man: smurf all of you!

Ultra Man gets pissed and punches a hole into the chalk board. Everyone is stunned.

Ultra Man: How come all you guys love this balloon knot more than me? I'm a legitimate super hero! This guy (Steroids Man) is the worst! Do you know how many people he killed??

Steroids Man: Raise your hand if you saved the world before.

Steroids Man raises his hand while everyone looks.

Steroids Man: Now raise your hand if you saved the world 3 times. Oh look, I still have my hand up.

Ultra Man is fuming mad and spits blood on the floor.

Steroids Man: I saved the world from the nuclear threat from the League of Evil. I stopped Wheels when he stole your ring, and I didn't even have my powers. And also, I stopped The Manager, a demon who threatened all of earth.

Ultra Man: You piece of shazam!, stop bragging!

Flamer: He has every right to brag! He has some serious accomplishments! What did you have?

Ultra Man: I have this ring that gives me powers! And I used to have my own council of heroes!

Stan: Didn't they all walk out on you because you sucked?

Ultra Man: What are you talking about?

Stan: You have a ring that makes you invincible, right?

Ultra Man: Maybe....

Ricky: Your such a fake super hero, you just have a magical ring. Anybody who has your ring could do a half assed job and pretend to be a genuine hero.

Ryan: YOUR COUNCIL LEFT YOU BECAUSE THEY WERE TIRED OF GETTING THEIR bottom KICKED WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN GET HURT!!!!

Steroids Man: They got a good point man.

Ultra Man suddenly comes to a realization.

Ultra Man: I don't believe it... I think you guys are right. I had a council of very weak guys work with me just because none of them came close to my power so I could look really good.

Lord Sinister: You just wanted to look good by having a team of weaklings work with you!

Ultra Man: Ok I get it.

Stan: Here's why Steroids Man is a better hero than you. He didn't have a free pass with a magical ring, he built himself up from nothing. You take your ring away and you're nothing, you take Steroids Man's steroids away and he is still a hero. He saved the world without his powers before (Episode 75), could you ever do that?

Steroids Man: Man, you're awesome!

Stan: I'm your biggest fan!

Ultra Man: Ok you guys, stop it!

Suddenly Ted enters the room. Ted is a VERY high ranking government guy.

Ultra Man: What do you want?

Ted: I just came to see how the hero class was going? Are one of these heroes going to help save the world from a future threat?

Ultra Man: I doubt it, they all suck!

All the class boos.

The Eavesdropper: YOU SUCK!

Ted: I agree with Robin Hood. You have been sucking immensely lately, especially after your Council of Heroes left you for being a jackass.

Ultra Man: What are you saying?

Ted: We no longer want you to be our government appointed super hero.

Ultra Man: What?

Ted: We are really impressed with Steroids Man. Especially after he saved the world from that demon on national TV (Episode 98 stopping The Manager).

Ultra Man: You have got to be kidding me!

Ultra Man freaks out and takes a lot of random medication.

Ted goes over and puts his arm around Steroids Man.

Ted: Steroids Man is the wave of the future!

The class cheers and Ultra Man loses it.

Ultra Man: smurf YOU!!!!! smurf YOU, YOU PIECE OF shazam!!!!!

Class: BOOOO!!!!

Ted: Maybe you should leave gracefully now that your super hero career is over. Maybe it's time for you to take it easy and work at a bowling alley or something.

Ultra Man: But I can still help save the world!

Ted: Nobody wants that. Steroids Man is more than enough protection. How about you go back to your home world now?

Ultra Man: That's not cool! You know that my home world exploded!

Ted: Whatever. Anyway, congratulations Steroids Man *shakes hand* keep up the good work.

Ted leaves and Ultra Man is mega pissed.

Ultra Man: I can't take it anymore!

Ultra Man freaks out and starts punching and kicking the wall and destroying the room. As Ultra Man is distracted and going crazy, Steroids Man manages to remove his ring and Ultra Man becomes skinny.

Ultra Man: Give it back!

Steroids Man holds the ring up high and Ultra Man jumps and can't get it as everyone laughs and cheers.

Ultra Man: No fair!!!

Steroids Man throws the ring out the window and it rolls into a sewer.

Ultra Man: Nooo!!!!!

Ultra Man runs outside.

Everyone cheers and hugs Steroids Man and they celebrate.

Steroids Man: Come on everyone, let's go have a few drinks on me!

Steroids Man uses his wealth to take everyone to the bar and they party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phil is in his office looking over plans and graphs. It appears that it's schematics involving nuclear weapons.

Phil smiles an evil smile and takes a drink of red wine.

Suddenly he throws the glass of wine against the wall shattering it.

Phil: I can't taste this!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultra Man is in the sewer and manages to get his ring back after fighting a rat. He puts it on and becomes his usual bulky self again.

Ultra Man: I won't forget this Steroids Man!

Ultra Man crawls out of the sewer and as his hand reaches out a child takes his ring and runs off.

Ultra Man: Come on!!!!

[Wesley]

I liked it!

There were a few typos in there, more than the last few episodes, but not a deal breaker.

This was a transition episode.. nothing really happened except the slow mental torture of Ultra Man, but you set up a ton of stuff to happen in the next few episodes.

I'm gonna look for a job, then read some more Steroids Man.

[Clarence]

I'm surprised by the typos ... I been proof reading these multiple times and Tamarra went through it once ... oh well, as long as the typo didn't cause confusion hopefully.

This episode should be remembered when watching season 9!

Good luck job hunting and thanks for commenting!