Chapter 132 --> The Birth

[Clarence]

It's December 12th, 2013 at a dark and stormy night. It's also Steve's birthday and celebrations are winding down.

Steve and Amanda are on the couch watching Die Hard 5.

Steve: He absolutely HAS to die this time! I never even been through as much crap as this guy!

Steve is munching on chicken legs and dipping them in gravy and spilling food all over his big stomach.

Amanda: Wow... last week you were bulked up from those steroids pills... now you're back to where you started two weeks ago...

Steve: Oh yeah, I've completely destroyed my body from all the years of steroids abuse.

Amanda: That's a little scary...

Amanda sits back more comfortably in the couch and rests her hands on her belly, now at it's biggest.

Amanda: This baby has to come soon or I'm going to explode!

Steve: Hold it to Christmas, then we don't have to buy as many gifts or try too hard to remember a birthday. Also I don't want to share my birthday.

Amanda drops her jaw in shock and Steve stick a chicken leg in it.

Outside of the mansion a mysterious man approaches... we can't get a clear look at him but see he is wearing lots of metal and has a cape. He comes up to the door and kicks it in so hard that it goes flying inside and explodes against the hallway wall causing lots of damage and pieces of wood to rain down.

Steve: What the hell was that?!?!

Loud voice from outside: YOU WILL DIE STEROIDS MAN!!!!

Suddenly the recent security upgrades put in place by Steve in the mansion activate and large steel walls come down on all the doors and windows.

Amanda: What the hell is going on?

Amanda, Steve and the cats go to the entrance area to see the steel door is being banged on and large dents are forming!

Amanda: We have to get out of here!

Steve: We can't! All the steel doors have come down and there's no escape!

Amanda: Just open the steel door in the back exit!

Steve: All the doors open and close on one switch! It's a horrible system!

Amanda: What the hell!

The steel door is still being punched and kicked by the mysterious man in a cape and looks like it's about to come down!

Steve: Everyone to the panic room!

Steve and Amanda run to the basement and press another switch that causes thick steel doors to block the basement entrance. They are now trapped downstairs in the basement / panic room! Meanwhile the kitties go to the kitty panic room which is filled with treats and toys.

Amanda: Who the smurf is that?!?!?!

Steve: Maybe it's pigeon man!

Steve presses speed dial 5 on his cell phone to reach Pigeon Man. Pigeon Man wakes up off the couch in his large house to answer the phone.

Pigeon Man: Pigeon Enterprises, how can we serve you?

Steve: ... Pigeon Enterprises?

Pigeon Man: Yeah... I started a business on the side...

Steve: What kind of business?

Amanda is very nervous and there is a loud bang upstairs, it sounds like the mysterious intruder has made it inside the mansion. Meanwhile Steve is making small talk.

Amanda: Get to the point!!!

Steve (on phone): Right .... anyway, are you the one who's currently breaking into my mansion?

Pigeon Man: What? Of course not! You know I always call before we get into a super hero / villain thing ... or just show up and knock... but I would certainly never just break in and I would hope you have the same courtesy towards me.

Suddenly there is loud banging at the top of the basement stairs and Amanda and Steve look up in horror.

Amanda: He's behind those thick steel doors! Can he break through!??

Steve: Well it's thicker than the other door.....

Pigeon Man: Can I go now?

Steve: Wait, don't hang up! You and your pigeon men need to come fight this guy off and save us!

Pigeon Man: Why should we?

Steve: Because I'm the best arch nemesis you'll ever have bud! You think anyone else would put up with your shazam! as much as me?

Pigeon Man: You're right.... we'll be right there.

Pigeon Man stands up and rallies his pigeon men together!

Pigeon Men: Come on men! Gather your weapons and let's go fight some guy in Steroids Man's mansion!

Pigeon Henchman #2: ... really? I'm drunk.

Pigeon Henchman #5: Yeah... and we don't have any weapons.

Pigeon Man: Just grab anything and let's go!

Amanda and Steve are still at the bottom of the stairs and are very scared as the pounding gets louder and we see dents forming in the thick steel doors.

Steve looks down to see a puddle of water at Amanda's feet.

Steve: You're so scared you peed yourself!

Amanda: Steve... my water broke....

Steve: Well fix it until later!

Amanda goes and sits in a chair and tries to control her breathing.

Amanda: This baby is coming now!

Steve: Oh man... this is some serious shazam! isn't it?

Steve is starting to panic as he's trapped in the basement with his wife who's about to give birth, but the only way out is through the steel doors which are being torn down by a super powerful mysterious foe!

Amanda: CALL DAVE!!!

Steve: Oh shazam!, of course!

Suddenly the men in pigeon costumes rush into the mansion through the hole made by the mysterious man wearing metal. The Mysterious man is pissed and turns around. We see the back of the mysterious man as his cape gently moves with the gust of wind from the storm outside. He is looking at a bunch of pigeon men with various lamps and things they are going to use as weapons.

Mysterious Man: Get out of here before I kill you all!

Pigeon Man: CHARGE!!!

They all begin to attack the mysterious foe with random household objects while we cut back to the basement as Steve and Amanda look up and hear all the fighting.

Amanda (breathing heavily in labor): What's happening?

Steve (on cell phone): I don't know! It's ringing!

We show Dave in his Weed Man garage which is filled with weed smoke. He is playing Legos while we hear his cell phone ring in the distance.

Weed Man: Oh man.... Legos are like .... so awesome....

Weed Man takes a large hit off a giant bong.

Weed Man: This Lego town I built is so real ... I can even hear a phone ringing!

We see a metal hand grip a pigeon henchman high up in the air and he snaps the neck and drops him. All around are fallen men in pigeon costumes laying in destroyed rooms.

Steve: It keeps going to his voice mail!

Amanda: What the hell!?

Suddenly the steel doors at the top of the basement begin to bang again and show signs it's about to give way any second! Steve and Amanda hug and cower at this very scary moment.

Steve: This is my worst birthday ever!

Amanda: It can't end like this.... *cry* ... our baby won't even get to see the light of day?

Suddenly Steve gets a very determined look in his chubby face.

Steve: Amanda... go hide back there behind all the crates of Doritos Dave bought...

Amanda: Ok, let's go!

Steve looks up at the steel doors that are almost down.

Steve: No... you go back there by yourself and stay quiet!

Amanda: What???

Steve: Who ever that is... they want me. Everyone always wants me! Let him come down here and kill me and at least you and my son will survive!

Amanda: No!!!

Steve: PLEASE! We don't need to all die! Protect our child and live on! You know it's the only option we have! After this guy gets me he will leave!

Amanda: *crying*

Steve: Go damn it!!!

Amanda makes it to behind the stack of Doritos and tries her best to be quiet as the steel door comes down! The man in metal makes his way down the stairs and approaches Steve.

Mysterious Man: Steroids Man.... finally ... you will die for your sins!

As the mysterious man gets closer we reveal his face ... his metal face..... it's Metal Face!!!

Steve: GASP!!!!

Metal Face: Surprised to see me?

Steve's jaw drops and he flashes back to his retirement party.... on this day, Metal Face showed up to kill Steve and Amanda with a high tech weapon, but Weed Man appeared and saved the day, causing Metal Face to blast a hole through his own stomach ..... Steve watched as he took his mask off to reveal his hideous burnt face and death from the gaping stomach hole.

Steve: You died... I saw you die!

Metal Face: True evil never dies!

Amanda watches through gaps in the Doritos boxes to see Metal Face raise his metal hand and smack Steve across the room. She tries her best to restrain her screams.

Metal Face approaches Steve's fat and lifeless body... he looks like a truck hit him and is cut up and bloody.

Metal Face: Come on... where's the Steroids Man I remember? You can take more abuse than this!

Metal Face gives him a crippling kick and Steve curls up in agony.... one more blow and he's finished.

Metal Face: Pathetic! Killing you is going to be like killing a handicapped person! What a weakling! You used to be so powerful!

Metal Face lifts his foot up and is preparing to crush Steve's head!

Amanda: STOP!!!!!!!

Steve (very weak voice): No.....

Metal Face looks over to see Amanda in clear pain as she's in labor and needs to get to a hospital! Seeing this begins to confuse Metal Face and throw him off!

Amanda: Don't kill him!!! Please!! ... I'm about to give birth to his child!!!

Metal Face: Sorry... but you picked the wrong man to mate with ... Steroids Man must pay for what he has done to me! He ruined my life!

Amanda: It's too late, don't you see!!!

Metal Face: Huh....

Amanda: You missed your chance to kill Steroids Man! He retired remember?

Metal Face looks down at this beat up man and is now more confused.

Amanda: *crying* ... That man down there is no longer the violent hero you may remember... he's just a regular man now... and he's about to be a father! Are you going to get satisfaction out of killing him now? Killing a weakened man who's wife is about to give birth isn't going to fix your problems!!!!!

Metal Face is freaking out and holding his metal hands to his metal face screaming.

Amanda: You had your chance to kill the real Steroids Man and you missed it!

Metal Face: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!

Metal Face goes completely insane and starts kicking and punching the walls as Amanda helps Steve up.

Steve: what's .... going on....

Amanda: We have to get out of here!

Amanda and Steve make their way up the basement stairs and past the damage and bodies in pigeon costumes and out into the winter storm outside. They get in their car and begin to drive off to the hospital.

As Steve pulls out of the driveway, he honks the horn in a desperate attempt to get Dave's attention.

Dave (still playing with his Lego village): Wow.... I must be super stoned... these Lego cars are honking at me!

Metal Face is standing in the basement he just destroyed and is at a loss at what to do with himself.

Metal Face: Steroids Man's jabberwocky is right ... what glory will I get killing an ex-hero who is too out of shape to even defend himself.... he doesn't even seem evil anymore... he's not the same evil man that wronged me....

Metal Face slowly walks up the stairs out of the basement with his head held down in shame.

Metal Face: I have come this far to get revenge... now how will I receive peace?

As Metal Face walks out the door, Dave walks past him.

Dave (Oblivious): Hey there, crazy stormy night, huh?

Metal Face (sad voice): Yeah...

Metal Face leaves into the storm and disappears into the night, while Dave makes his way to the basement to get more Doritos.

Dave: Oh man... building that Lego town was a lot of work.... I built up quite an appetite!

Dave goes to the basement and grabs a box of Doritos... meanwhile he's so high that he is completely oblivious to all the destruction to the mansion and men in pigeon costumes lifeless on the floors.

Weak voice: .... Dave... *cough*

Dave: My Lego town is calling for me! Maybe they need a hero!

Weak voice: No... down here.....

Dave looks down to see Pigeon Man beat up and with a large support beam pinning him down.

Pigeon Man: Help me.

Dave opens up the bag of Doritos and takes one out and holds it up to Pigeon Man's face.

Dave: Here ya go.

Pigeon Man: No.... *coughs blood* ... get this beam off me....

Dave easily flips the beam off of Pigeon Man with the use of his super soldier strength.

Dave: You shouldn't lay under heavy beams dude.

Dave looks around and starts to notice everything is destroyed.

Dave: Wow.... and I thought I was messy.... *smokes joint* ... say... where's my brother and his girlfriend?

Pigeon Man: Evil ... metal man.... hurt us ...

Dave: A metal man? Like heavy metal? Are you saying a rock band came in here and beat you all up?

Pigeon Man looks up at Dave and is appalled at how stoned and useless he is.... he then realizes he doesn't have the strength to carry on this conversation as it's obvious it will be lengthy.

Pigeon Man: I'm going to pass out now.

Dave decides to check his super hero phone which was posted on commercials and flyers and etc and sees he received 19 messages while playing Legos all day...

1 ~ Officer Jan: Weed Man! We need you downtown quick! Serious gang fight down here!

2 ~ Officer Jan: Where are you? The gang fight is escalating and they stole one of our cop cars! We can't afford to lose more cop cars!!!

3 ~ Unknown Man: Hurry Weed Man, someone broke into my garage! Come down to 133 Romero Drive and hurry!

... the messages continue with random people and police officers calling for help until he gets to message 17....

17 ~ Steve: DAVE!!! ANSWER THE PHONE!!! WE NEED YOU!!!! IT'S AN EMERGENCY TO END EMERGENCIES!!!

18 ~ Steve: WHAT THE smurf ARE YOU DOING!?!? GET TO THE MANSION AND HURRY!!! ME AND AMANDA ARE TRAPPED IN THE BASEMENT AND THERE'S SOME KIND OF MONSTER AFTER US AND THE BABY IS ABOUT TO FALL OUT!!!!

19 ~ Steve: smurf!!!!!

Dave: Oh no.... the Lego people distracted me from being a hero!!! They are the greatest villains of all!!

Dave quickly tries to call Steve but there's no answer as the attack by Metal Face damaged Steve's cell phone.

Dave: I got to get to the hospital!!

Dave runs to his weed car and drives off. Oh yeah, Dave finally bought a new green car and Amanda painted Weed emblems on it. He keeps it parked behind the garage out of sight to not advertise where Weed Man lives ... he also installed a special weed human cat door thing that allows him to quickly jump from the weed garage to the Weed-mobile ... anyway... this is probably going off topic from the story at hand.

Steve is driving Amanda to the hospital but road conditions are dangerous due to a current winter storm.

Steve: WHY COULDN'T YOUR WOMB JUST HAVE WATCHED THE WEATHER CHANNEL!?!?

Amanda: YOU AREN'T HELPING!!!

Steve: SORRY BUT THIS IS STRESSFUL!!!!!

Steve calms himself down and tries to be more supportive.

Steve: Hey .... I don't know how you did it... but thanks for somehow saving my life back there...

Amanda: Thanks for not dying on me....

Steve: I'm confused though... Metal Face died ... right?

Amanda: Yeah ... we both watched him die.... my contractions are getting too worse for me to figure out that mystery right now though....

Steve: .... maybe you can figure out this mystery ... why is this storm so red?

Amanda: Huh?

Steve: Everything is red....

Amanda was too busy trying to hold off giving birth until they reached the hospital that she neglected to notice how injured Steve is.

Amanda: YOUR HEAD IS COVERED IN BLOOD AND IT'S IN YOUR EYES!!!!

Suddenly there's a large snapping noise and Steve's Arm looks twisted up.

Steve: MY ARM JUST BROKE!!!

Suddenly Steve loses control of the car and it spins wildly on the road....

Steve and Amanda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRASH!!!!!



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We see nothing but darkness... then a glimmer of light .... as the image becomes more clear ... we see ceiling tiles... we are seeing from the perspective of Steve.

Steve: Where... where am I ...

Amanda: I'm so glad you're OK!

Steve realizes he's in a hospital bed and next to him is Amanda ... in another hospital bed.

Steve: We made it?

Amanda: No... we died.

Steve jumps out of bed!

Steve: WHAT!?!?!

Amanda: No... we're fine.... sorry I just figured that would wake you up really fast!

Steve is certainly wide awake now and sees Amanda holding a baby that JUST came out.

Steve: Is that ours?

The doctor in the room looks at Steve funny.

Doctor: Oh my... you must have serious head damage.

Amanda: No, he's fine... and yes, this is our baby. Sam.

(Steve told Amanda she could name the baby because his ideas were too retarded.)

Steve: Let me hold him!

Amanda: Ummmm... ok... just be careful and also you should know....

Steve takes the baby and holds it.

Steve: All I need to know is my baby boy is safe!

Amanda: Well....

Steve: Hey wait a second.... where is the penis?

Amanda and the doctor just stare at Steve blankly.

Steve (screaming): WHERE IS THE PENIS?!?!?!?!?!?! HOW BAD WAS THE CAR CRASH!!?!?!? DID HIS PENIS GET AMPUTATED?!?!?!? I'LL DONATE MINE!!! JUST LET ME HAVE tickle fight ONE MORE TIME BEFORE....

Amanda (Interrupting): It's a girl!!!! Samantha!!!!

Steve: Oh.....

Amanda: Is this a deal breaker?

Steve: Of course not!! You just kind of led me to believe we were having a boy.

Amanda: At no point did I .... never mind, I'm too tired.

Steve: Boy, girl, neither or both... I will love you just the same. I'm a real father now! Just like you see on TV! This is my greatest Birthday gift of all! Even better than that sweet green jacket you bought a few years back!

Doctor (thinking): This baby has no chance.

Steve: How did this miracle happen? The last thing I remember is we were about to crash!

Amanda: We did ... into a snow bank... but luckily Police Chief Jan saw us and drove us here.

Jan is in the room and waves to Steve.

Steve (to Jan): Nice! I would say this definitely makes up for you blackmailing Amanda out of her police chief job!

There's an awkward silence as Steve hands the baby back to Amanda and sits down to rest from the injuries. Suddenly, Dave busts into the door!

Dave: Finally I found the right room!!!

Steve: No you didn't.

Dave: Yes I did my Brother, cause you're in the room!

Steve: We're no longer brothers.

Dave: ...what?

Steve: I'm un-brothering you!

Dave: There's no such a thing!!!

Steve: There is now...

Dave looks really hurt and confused.

Steve: You weren't there when you needed you! My son ... I mean daughter could have been killed!

Dave: Oh hey man the baby is ready! Good job!

Steve: Please leave.

Dave: But....

Dave looks to Amanda.

Amanda: Ya did kind of leave us high and dry.... what were ya even doing?

Dave flashes back to himself laughing in a smokey room playing with Legos.

Dave: I was .... helping build a community.

Steve: You were stoned playing with Lego. You kept coming in from the garage to get more Doritos and commenting how your Lego masterpiece is almost complete.

Amanda: You were so close to us yet completely useless.... playing Lego the whole time we were being tortured....

Dave: .... yikes....

Steve: Just leave.

Dave feels terrible for what happened and begins to walk out of the room sadly when .... *SMACK*

Dave: what the ... did you just throw a bed pan at my head?

Steve: Keep on walking.








...... Steve's kid is finally born, but is his relationship with Dave destroyed? What the smurf was the deal with Metal Face seemingly coming back to life and do we even care? Will Pigeon Man ever walk again? Stay tuned and leave comments!!!