Chapter 37 --> Mundane Man

[Clarence]

At the Steroids Cave...

Steroids Man is playing one of Dave's old video games... he seems bored... not a lot of action lately, other than fighting the epic Hawk Eyes.

Steroids Man: Erg... I'm bored.... maybe I should do some cocaine....

Keeps playing.

Steroids Man: No, I better not.. I been clean too long.

Suddenly the large flat screen TV on the wall comes on.

Steroids Man: What the?

On the TV we see a man tied up, and another figure in a wide brimmed black cowboy hat, and covered in black with a huge white toothy grin on his face and long cartoonish evil fingers.

The evil looking man in the Cowboy hat speaks.

Guy in hat: Well well well... if it isn't my old arch Nemesis... WAYNE!!

Steroids Man is still playing video games while talking to the guy on the large wall TV.

Steroids Man: What?

Guy in hat: My dear friend Wayne, this isn't a good time to play games!

Steroids Man: My name's not Wayne... and I have no idea who you are.

Guy in hat: Don't pretend to not know ME: The Texas Terror!!!

Steroids Man: I don't know you... and I'm busy playing video games.... so please leave.

Texas Terror: Oh, I'm not going anywhere!

Steroids Man: I'll turn the TV off.

Texas Terror: Maybe you'll be willing to cooperate when you see who I have hostage here! Behold! Ben from accounting!

Steroids Man continues to play video games.

Texas Terror (Walking closer to the screen) : Don't ignore me, I have Ben here, remember Ben? Your childhood friend?

Steroids Man: *Sigh* I don't know a Ben... and I don't know you.... you clearly have the wrong number or something.

Texas Terror: Tell me where the treasure is or Ben will DIE!!!

Steroids Man: Don't have a treasure.... leave me alone.

The Texas Terror holds up a wooden lamp.

Texas Terror: No more Games Wayne!!! Tell me where the treasure is or Ben gets it!

Ben: Please Wayne.... think back to when we were kids.... don't let me die like this.

Steroids Man (Yelling and looking at the large TV): I don't know you smurf guys, leave me alone!!!

Texas Terror: Very well... now you will watch as your bestest best friend DIES!!

The Texas Terror beats the smurf out of Ben who's tied to a chair, he beats him in the face and head with a wooden lamp until he's clearly dead.

Texas Terror: This is just the beginning, if you aren't willing to tell me the location of the treasure, then more of your friends will die!

Steroids Man: Ok, just don't call me back.

Texas Terror: I'm going to call you back!

Steroids Man: For frigs sakes, don't do it, leave me alone!

Texas Terror: This isn't over Wayne!!

~~The Texas Terror signs off and the TV turns to black, Steroids Man plays a few more video games and tries to get on with his day... which is moving very slowly... so he decided to buy some porno.

Steroids Man comes back with the video tape and plays it on the regular TV. The Manager's not home, so Steroids Man decides to take his pants off and get busy.

Steroids Man: Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Suddenly the large flat TV on the wall comes on... it's The Texas Terror again...

Texas Terror: Hello Wayne, I got a surprise for you this time!

Steroids Man quickly clovers up with a pillow.

Steroids Man *pant* : What the hell man! This is my PERSONAL time!!

Texas Terror: Tell me where the treasure is or your uncles will both be killed!

Steroids Man: I don't have any uncles!!!

Texas Terror: That's EXACTLY what will happen if you don't cooperate, WAYNE!!

Porno on regular TV: OH YEAH.... SHOVE IT IN FURTHER!!!

Steroids Man: Look what you're making me miss!!!

The Texas Terror kills the two old men using a meat cleaver.

Texas Terror (Covered in blood): Wahahahah! You're only making this harder on yourself Wayne! More of your loved ones will die unless you provide the location of the TREASURE!!!

Steroids Man gets angry and has a roid rage attack and stands up off the couch exposing himself, he then picks up the couch and throws it at the large TV... no damage... The Manager recently installed a indestructible screen because the TV kept getting destroyed.

Steroids Man *pant* *pant* : I'm tired... I'm going to bed.

The next day Steroids Man is on the couch having a bowl of Cheerios.... suddenly the large TV comes on again, it's the Texas Terror and he has a dog half submerged in a bath-tub.

Texas Terror: WAYNE!!!! I got your DOG now!!!

Steroids Man is so bothered and annoyed that he spills Cheerios all over himself.

Steroids Man: You know what? Kill my dog! Go ahead, kill him!!! Please do, kill everyone you think I know and STOP BUGGING ME!!!

Texas Terror: You'd like that, wouldn't you? Guess What, WAYNE? (He keeps saying "Wayne" in a louder and more annoying voice every time we hear it) I'm not going to kill your dog... I'm going to torture it slowly and...

The Texas Terror looks up on the screen to see Steroids Man is gone.

Steroids Man is driving to the liquor store as he badly needs a drink, he buys a shopping cart full of liquor and waits in line.... for some reason the liquor store is really busy today. In line a man in a purple costume who looks REALLY boring starts talking to Steroids Man... he has a large red M on his chest.

Mundane Man: (monotone slow voice) Hey there....

Steroids Man: Hey...

Mundane Man: Where did you park?

Steroids Man: What?

Mundane Man: I was wondering if you could have got as good of a parking spot as I did.

Steroids Man: Ummm... I dunno... I got as close as I could get.... what the hell kind of conversation am I in?

Mundane Man: I got the best parking spot of anyone here, I'm right next to the dooooor.... (the more he talks the boringer and slower he sounds) ... it's such a wonderful spot.... it's so close to the door... I'm always good at finding really good parking spots... would you like to hear some of my parking spot stories?

Steroids Man: (numb sounding): Ummm.... sure....

Steroids Man starts going through the checkout and is becoming like a zombie as he pays the cashier and walks outside, Mundane Man still talking to him.

Mundane Man: You should come take a look at my parking job.... it's really a good parking job.... I like parking, it's like a hobby of mine.

Mundane Man shows Steroids Man where he parked.

Mundane Man: Yeah, this is a good spot, I took a few pictures of it to keep for memories. This parking spot actually has a lot of history behind it, let me tell you.

Steroids Man (Drooling): Ok...

Steroids Man is almost like a zombie now and is going through the motions he usually does.... buy liquor and get in the car and drive home... he gets in the Roid Rage mobile and Mundane Man gets in as well and sits in the passenger seat.

Mundane Man: The first time I parked in that spot was August 16th, 1992.... I was wearing a blue shirt that day, it was also the first day I switched to 2% milk....

Steroids Man just starts driving while listening to these boring stories.... Steroids Man drives and leaves the city limits and enters the dirt road leading to the Steroids Cave.... Steroids Man makes it home and he and Mundane Man get out of the car, Mundane Man still telling his stories.

They both enter the Steroids Cave and sit on the couch, Steroids Man was too tired to put the liquor in the correct spot so he just drops it to the ground.

Mundane Man: Here, let me show you my scrapbook of places I've parked throughout the years.

Steroids Man (In a waking coma): O....k....

Mundane Man: I also have pictures of other people parking.

A bit of vomit slowly trickles out of Steroids Man's mouth.

~~We pan out to a large screen TV inside the Council Of Superheros headquarters... they're all watching these events unfold as Mundane Man has a camera on his chest.

Ultra Man: I can't believe it.... Mundane Man actually got inside Steroids Man's secret hideout!

Invisible Man: And since we watched Steroids Man drive there, we now know exactly where it is.

Robo-Obama: Perfect, should Mundane Man fail in destroying Steroids Man, we will now know exactly where to strike!

Ultra Man: If Mundane Man does fail, then our next step should be to go down there as a group and just beat the shazam! out of Steroids Man!

Half Man/ Half Speed Boat: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Mundane Man's a pretty good super hero... let's just see what happens.

Frost Bite (Emo kid in Fridge): If we can stay awake long enough!

Mundane Man: One time I went to a school, and spent the day parking in every parking spot, then I left. That's 32 parking spots... let me describe them all to you in great detail.

Steroids Man has dark circles under his eyes and his skin looks pale.

The Manager comes home with a HUGE brief case... there's blond hair hanging out of it, he comes and sits down on the chair while Mundane Man and Steroids Man are on the couch.

The Manager: Who the hell is this guy???

Steroids Man: This is..... uhhhhhhhhh......... uhhhhhhhhhh

The Manager: You can't just bring anyone in here, remember me talking about that??

Steroids Man: Erg.............. gah

The Manager: Who the hell are you?

Mundane Man: I'm just a friendly guy who enjoys parking my car.

The Manager: Parking your car? What the smurf are you talking about?

Mundane Man: I like to find different places to park my car.... sometimes I park on rainy days.... sometimes I park on sunny days.... I take pride in parking my car in all sorts of designated parking spots.... I'm quite good at it, here, let me show you some pictures ...

//Back to the Council of Super Heroes watching.

Invisible Man: Who the hell is that guy?

Drew: I think that's Steroids Man's Manager. *yawn*

Ultra Man: How come Steroids Man has a manager???

Hawk Eyes: Yeah, I would love to have a manager!!

Frost Bite: He looks evil.....

Polaroid Man: I just wish Mundane Man would hurry up and kill them cause I can't stay awake much longer...

//back to the Steroids Cave.

Mundane Man: Yeah, In this picture I left the door open when I parked the car.... so I had to take another picture after I shut the door.... even though I left the door open.. I didn't want to throw away a picture.... I keep ALL pictures.... let me show you my second photo album of parking jobs I've done...

The Manager: *sigh* yeah..... sure....

Mundane Man starts going through the pictures in extreme detail when The Texas Terror comes on screen and has a lady tied to a chair this time.

Texas Terror: I'm not smurf around this time, WAYNE!!!!!!

The Texas Terror holds a shot gun to the lady's head.

Texas Terror: Tell me where the treasure is, or Debbie dies!!!!

The Manager: Who.... *yawn* .... who is this..... what's going on......

A scorpion crawls out of the Manager's trench coat but is moving very slow and appears tired.

Mundane Man (To Texas Terror on TV): Hey there, how are you doing?

Texas Terror: Who the hell are you? ... is this DEREK!! You have my treasure too!!

Mundane Man: On May 5th, 2006, I found a wonderful parking spot at the zoo.... I got there early so I could get this spot.... I got it and kept it all day... I didn't even go in the zoo... I just stayed in the car and took pictures of my parking job from the inside.... here they are....

Mundane Man shows the pictures to the Texas Terror on TV and to Steroids Man and the Manager.

Everyone watching from the Council of Super Heroes is asleep at this point.

Mundane Man: Yeah, and here's some buildings I plan to park in front of....

Mundane Man shows everyone the pictures. The Manager starts crying.

Mundane Man: I'm looking forward to parking in front of this building (A KFC). I plan on trying to get this spot right here... it's right next to the door... it would be perfect. I don't like KFC.... but this KFC has some decent places to park a vehicle. I'm also excited because they got new yellow lines...... I like fresh yellow lines... it helps me park better.....

The Texas Terror puts the shotgun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and blows his brains all over the screen.

Steroids Man: I need to.... go to bathroom......

Mundane Man: Let me follow you so you don't miss my story.

Mundane Man follows Steroids Man to the bathroom, he walks right in with Steroids Man while he pees and starts looking in the mirror and telling his story.

Mundane Man: Yeah, so I got some yellow paint and started painting yellow lines in my driveway, to see if I could park in them...

Steroids Man finishes peeing and falls over and passes out with his pecker still hanging out, Mundane Man continues to talk to himself in the mirror.

Mundane Man: I once spent all day parking in my driveway.... I don't like to listen to music or anything because it's distracting..... uhhhhhhhhh

Mundane Man watches himself talk in the mirror and can't look away... he's in a trance because he's boring himself now.

Mundane Man: One time.... I bought toy cars and drew lines on a piece of paper..... *cough*..... I made the little toy cars park on the piece of paper..... I even had one car in each hand, and tried to park two toy cars at once.... I became quite good at it..... then another time I tried to park a toy car while parking a real car... at the same time... the toy car was in the passenger seat and ..... and....

Mundane Man bores himself so bad by looking in the mirror as he's talking, that he falls and busts his head open on the toilet.... he lands on his back and gets knocked out... he then throws up in his mouth and suffocates. The Manager then comes in and throws up all over everybody....

Later at the Council of Super Heroes... everyone is sleeping.... Hawk Eyes Manages to wake up.

Hawk Eyes: Everyone, look!

Everyone looks at the screen which shows Mundane Man's point of view.... we see The Manager and Steroids Man with shovels burying him in dirt....

Ultra Man: Surprise, surprise, Steroids Man kills another super hero...

Robo-Obama: Yes, but we know where he lives now.

Man/Speed boat: Well, like we said earlier, let's just all go down there and kick his bottom!

Robo-Obama: The President agrees, he is able to provide a small army of 30 soldiers to help us!

A door opens and 30 guys in army uniforms with weapons appear.

Ultra Man: That's all we could get?

Robo-Obama: Everyone else is busy in Afghanistan.

Ultra Man: Oh right.

Robo-Obama: This should be enough, let's formulate a plan and have Steroids Man eliminated as soon as possible!

Drew: I have to go to the bathroom guys....

Ultra Man: Ok...

Drew goes in the bathroom and picks up his cell phone and talks quietly into it.

Drew: Hey... the jig is up.... the Council has figured out where Steroids Man Lives... they're all going to go there in person with an army of 30 to kill him...

We then cut to who's on the other line.

The Manager: Interesting.... thanks for the heads up.... and everyone's coming eh? Perfect, you have done well.

Drew smiles as his eyes glow red.

[Wesley]

What?!? No! Why does The Manager need a spy on the inside if he is so awesomely evil? Maybe he is even more Evil and slightly less awesome?

I have known people that just talk and talk and wont stop talking. I talk a lot, so sometimes I fear I am one of those people. But when everyone around me does not kill themselves, I realize that I am in fact NOT one of those people, so I calm down.

...I wonder what happened with The Texas Terror. Care to fill us in, Clov?

[Clarence]

Yeah, but this guy is talking about parking his smurf car.

I was worried that he might be too boring for even the readers to read....

[Clovvach]

...I wonder what happened with The Texas Terror. Care to fill us in, Clov?

lololol. I liked the story, so random and funny, yet you were able to weave in boredom without doing it to much.

And I wanted more stereotype Texan jokes!

[Clarence]

I wasn't trying to make any texas related jokes... it was just the only super villian name I could think of at the time.... did I?

[Clovvach]

No you didn't. But I noticed you use "Texas Terror" instead of something like "Cowboy man" or something, witch leads back to the stereotype (don't worry, I'm not taking any offense to this), so I assumed you were going to start cracking jokes about cowboys or something.

[Clarence]

No... I just needed someone annoying to call Steroids Man, and "Texas Terror" was the first name I could think of and it sounded kinda cool.

[Clovvach]

It does sound kind of cool.

And I like that ending. hehehe

[Clarence]

Thanks!

The last 3 episodes of season 3 are pretty much linked together to form a 3 part conclusion to the series.

[Clovvach]

Epic. Can't wait!

[Clarence]

Zot's fav episode!

Any time we talk about SM this comes up