Steroids Man: Hey guy.... want a chocolate?
Runner: Well... that would kind of defeat my whole purpose of running *pant*... trying to lose some pounds
Steroids Man: You son of a jabberwocky.
Runner: Sorry man... I don't want any chocolates. (Drinks water)
Steroids Man: You know... life is a lot like a box of chocolates.... sometimes you only get the really smurf shitty ones, and there's like 3 in the whole box you actually like!
Runner: ummmm...
Steroids Man: Hey, I'm gonna tell you my life story....
Runner: No that's cool man... I just needed a place to sit for a minute because I haven't jogged in a while, I'll be heading out soon.
Steroids Man: Well just let me start it....
## We flashback to a road and baby Steroids Man is on the pavement crying.... a transport truck is heading straight for him.... his father comes by with a book-bag on his back.
Father: Oh shazam! son, did I drop you on the pavement? Let Daddy put you back in my book-bag!
His Father looks in his book-bag and we can hear glass bottles clanging together...
Father: You know what.... Daddy bought too much alcohol and there's no room for you in his book-bag.... he would carry you in his arms but he needs those for drinking.... so you stay right here and I'll be back in 5-10 minutes!
His Father leaves young Steroids Man on the road as cars go back and forth. ##
Runner: This is a horrible story.... I really should go. (Stands up)
Steroids Man draws a gun: Sit back down unless you want a cap in your bottom!
The runner sits back down.
Steroids Man: Good... now let me tell ya what else I remember... and the way I remember it...
##Steroids Man's Father is reading the newspaper and sees a 100,000 dollar prize for junior gulf champion.....
Father: Holy crap, son, you could win this gulf challenge for me and then I could drink my bottom off with the prize money!
His Father digs out an old gulf club he found in the lake one time and practices with his son.... young Steroids Man sucks.
Father: Damn it son!!! Do you want me to love you or what???? You better win this tournament! From now on you're replacing all your meals and sleep with steroid injections! ##
Runner on phone with wife: *sob* ummmm.... I don't know if I'll make it home tonight... if I don't I want you to know how very much I love you....
Steroids Man pokes the runner in the eye with the end of his gun.
Steroids Man: Are you liking this story? It's my life man..... you like to jog, try to jog a mile in MY shoes!!!
##A jacked up young Steroids Man is at the gulf tournament.... he looks like a mini-hulk.... he sucks miserably at gulf.... eventually he freaks out and throws the gulf club THROUGH a judge, and then kills several spectators... and runs off into the sunset. ##
Steroids Man (Drinking paint): That was it for me... I ran away from home... killing people and doing terrible deeds in exchange for Steroids.... that's when I met Charlene....
Steroids Man goes over and pisses in a public garbage can and then sits back down to see the runner is gone.... well actually, there he is... in the distance... but way too far away for Steroids Man to chase him.
Steroids Man: Damn it!!! Now I have to wait for someone else to come by to finish my story!
An old lady comes by about an hour later and sits on the bench, and wakes Steroids Man up.
Steroids Man: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Old Lady: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Steroids Man: Anyway.... let me tell you the rest of my horrible life story..... Cynthia... oh how I loved her....
##Flash back to Steroids Man and Charlena having tickle fight.... it's the most erotic and boner popping tickle fight scene you can ever imagine.... Steroids Man goes into great detail about this sexual encounter from his perspective... ##
Steroids Man: And then.... and then..... she died for no reason at all!!!!
Old Lady: That's .... terrible...
Steroids Man: Her head fell off.... I have no idea how it happened.... why didn't she tell me her neck was so weak?
Old Lady (Pulls out a rosary) : I'm going to pray for you!
Steroids Man: I promised her I would be a super hero from that day.... then I needed a place to stay... that's when I met my roommate and best friend Doug...
##Dave: Hey Steroids Man, you're my new best friend, and I promise I'll never go crazy some day and smurf up your life.
Steroids Man: Thanks man! Let's go get some ice-creams!
Steroids Man then tells the tale of how he fought his first super villains..... Pigeon Man, The King of Spades, Wheels.... Dr. Bad.... Glider Man.... only in Steroids Man's version of the story all these super villains are threatening and muscle bound, and he courageously defeated them all. ##
Steroids Man: That's when my Father came back into my life as a robot....
## We see a robot who looks like he's from the future... large gray metal being that's non-humanoid at all... flashing lights all over... Steroids man is fighting him while crying. ##
Steroids Man: I killed my Daddy.... I got his robotic blood all over my hands!!! Do you know how bad that smurf me up??
Old Lady: You know I really got to go......
Steroids Man: No, I got to finish this story!!!! It's my true life story!
The old lady pulls some mace out of her purse and sprays Steroids Man in the eyes... he huddles over in pain as the old lady slowly escapes.
Steroids Man: Damn it! *crying*
Steroids Man walks around the park and finds a little kid.
Steroids Man: Hey kid.
Kid: Hey mister!
Steroids Man: I got something to tell ya...
##Steroids Man talks about meeting The Manager.
The Manager looks like a normal human being and non threatening at all.... regular business suit... clean shaven and a normal haircut.... totally bright and vibrant and with a huge white teethed smile on his face.
The Manager: Hey buddy. I was wondering if you wanted a manager, you know, to help you with your super hero career!
Steroids Man: How much will that cost me?
The Manager: Nothing buddy ole pal, I'll do it for free because you're so awesome! ##
Steroids Man: So then I met a new friend.... The Manager.... I forget what his name actually was... but he was such a good guy... me, him, and Doug all moved into this wonderful mansion and I had it all... I was rich... the world loved me... and I was the best super hero in all of history!
Kid: You're boring me.... Want to play Frisbee?
Steroids Man: As long as I can continue my story while we do it.
Kid: Ok...
They toss the Frisbee back and forth and Steroids Man continues his life story....
Steroids Man: Next I remember fighting a giant pencil.... and then I met the love of my life.... Rita..... oh my sexy Rita...... *sobbing* she was killed by a VIKING!!!!!! *crying*
The Boy's Mom comes over and takes the kid away.
Mom: Come on Charley.... let's get out of here.
Steroids Man goes into the woods crying and finds a deer.
Steroids Man: Hey Mr. Deer.... maybe YOU'LL listen to my story...
##Steroids Man recalls things like trying to kill himself... and getting over Rebecca.... trying to maintain his status as a super hero..... fighting a Nazi clone of himself from the future.... fighting a Wooly Mammoth that has a rocket launcher... ##
Steroids Man: And then this army guy came over... and started causing shazam!.... I had to fight him and he ran away like a jabberwocky... Doug was so scared.... man I'm high right now... but I'm pretty sure this story is accurate... hey... HEY!!! Are you listening to me?!?!
Steroids Man freaks out and punches out the deer and kills him.....
Steroids Man: Damn it to hell!!!!
Steroids Man goes to the bad part of town and finds a hobo with a shopping cart.
Steroids Man: Will YOU listen to my life story?
Hobo: Can you get me food?
Steroids Man: Tell ya what... ya listen to my story and I'll rob McDonald's for the both of us!
Hobo: Ok!
Steroids Man: I remember fighting a giant millipede from space.... he had a gun and tried to take over the world... but I fought off his entire alien race using my fists alone....
Hobo: Are you high or something dude?
Steroids Man: Then I had a pet horse... I forgot what happened to him but I didn't abuse him at all... I treated him like my best friend and took care of him... and he died for no reason.... *sob*
Hobo: Is this story going to be done soon? I'm hungry...
Steroids Man: That's when I met Shelley..... I found my soul mate... we loved each other..... we fought villains together.... she was the bestest person I ever met...... my life was perfect.....
## We See Steroids Man, Stephanie, Dave, and The Manager and the Robot all gathered at a huge table.... of course in Steroids Man's memories everyone is super happy and friendly and different....
Steroids Man: Kelly... I love you.... (pulls out a ring) .... will you marry me?
Kelly: Yes of course I will Steroids Man!
Suddenly the same military guy comes over and uses weapons from the future to knock out Steroids Man... he then steals his wife and runs off..... ##
Steroids Man: When I woke up I found that this crazy army guy kidnapped Doug AND Sarah.... *sob* he took them to a large pit of acid.... he killed them both.... it devastated me... oh how I miss Drew and Alexis so much!!!!
Hobo: *sigh* ... then what happened?
Steroids Man: That damn FBI man killed my best friend and wife of 5 years... but I got my revenge... I murdered that CIA agent in cold blood... he never stood a chance.... after this I realized that the world was against me and I had to become a super villain...
Hobo: This story seems kinda strange... are you sure you're remembering it right?
Steroids Man: I'll admit that I been huffing paint and drinking it because I can't afford real drugs right now... but this entire story is true!
##Steroids Man recalls joining the League of Evil.... and becoming a bad-guy....
The Manager: Trust me Steroids Man, this is a really good career move, and you'll make so much money!
Steroids Man: Ok buddy, I trust ya.
The Manager: Hey, want to play a game of pool?
Steroids Man: Ok! ##
Steroids Man: And then I fought Batman... and I kicked his bottom!!!!! smurf YEAH!!!! And not even a week later, I fought and defeated the TERMINATOR... you know... the evil one from the first movie.
Hobo: Ok....
Steroids Man: Then I won the lottery or something.... and blew all my money somehow.... I was confused and depressed and ended up in Jail... I don't know how they managed to arrest me..... that's when I met Amanda.... the one thing I remember clearly....
Hobo: Another girlfriend?
Steroids Man: No... we never dated... but she visited me in Jail... she seemed like she really cared about me.... I hope to find her someday.... I never felt a connection from such a brief encounter.... everything in my past seems hazy except for her face.... I think I really like her.... maybe even love....
Hobo: Awww... I was in love once.... with a raccoon.... jabberwocky gave me AIDS....
Steroids Man: Hey, I'm telling the story right now, ok?
Hobo: Sorry! Ummm... how did you get out of jail?
##Steroids Man has a sword and is fighting jail guards and ninjas to escape jail, all on his own. ##
Steroids Man: Then I fought a giant turtle.... I was afraid of turtles, but I managed to get over my fear!
Hobo: This story is so smurf random...
Steroids Man: Then my robot friend came back and for some reason hated me... he tried to kill me and the Manager...
##Steroids Man is chained to the wall with a happy and hero looking Manager.... The evil robot has a knife and a Hitler mustache.
Steroids Man: I'll be damned if you're going to try to kill me and my wonderful manager and get away with it!!!
Steroids Man breaks free of his shackles and does a spinning heel kick to the robot, killing it. ##
Hobo: Getting pretty hungry....
Steroids Man: Hmmmm... let's see... what's next... oh! I fought a giant hawk... ummm.... some boring guy.....
Hobo: Yeah, I know about boring guys...
Steroids Man: Then all the super heroes tried to kill me!!!! So I teamed up with the bad-guys and we had an epic battle...
##All the bad-guys look happy and have Anime smiles... the good-guys look very evil and have chains and table legs for weapons...... ##
Steroids Man: Anyway... we defeated all the Super Heroes and killed them all!
Hobo: Ok...
Steroids Man: Then I wanted to be a super hero again... so I started curing Cancer in the most heroic way possible!!!! That's when my last friend in the whole world.... *sob* ... got eaten by a T-Rex...
Hobo: ...
Steroids Man: *sob* so SAD!!!! I killed that T-Rex though... I punched him SQUARE in the mouth and got him in an arm lock!!! Submitted the jabberwocky!!.... but after The Manager died... I had no place to go.....
Hobo: Are you a hobo like me?
Steroids Man: Well... before the T-Rex killed the Manager... who was nothing short of a war hero and a saint.... he destroyed my Steroids Mansion..... and the League of Evil as well as the Council of super Heroes won't let me join either of their clubs... so I got no place to stay...
Hobo: Where have you been living?
Steroids Man: Under the overpass.....
Hobo: That sucks dude.... ummm... McDonald's?
Steroids Man: Sure.
Steroids Man picks up the hobo and throws him through the McDonald's Window... this whole conversation was going on right outside the restaurant... Steroids Man enters and steals the entire deep fryer with fries already in it.... burning his hands the whole time as he walks back to the underpass to sleep....
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