Chapter 88 --> Real Boy

[Clarence]

Steroids Man is hanging out with Amanda alone having a romantic candle light dinner when suddenly the doorbell rings.

Steroids Man: Oh crap, who is that?

Steroids Man goes to the peephole and sees a mysterious old lady next to two super huge muscular guys that completely dwarf Steroids Man.

Amanda: Who is it?

Steroids Man: Some old lady and two giant guys.

Amanda: What do they want?

Steroids Man (Yelling through the door): What do you want?

Old Lady: We're going to kick your bottom! You killed my poodle!

Steroids Man: No I didn't!

Old Lady: Let us in!

Steroids Man: NO!!!

Old Lady: Then we'll bust our way in!

Suddenly the two giant men begin kicking violently at the door.

Amanda: Steroids Man, I'm scared!

Steroids Man: Amanda, get my good bat!

Amanda hands Steroids Man a baseball bat and Doug enters the room.

Doug: Hey guys, what's all that noise and who's pounding at the door?

Steroids Man: What are you doing here?! This was a romantic night for just me and Amanda!

Doug: I like to watch.

Amanda: Some freaks are trying to break in!

Steroids Man: I'm going to bust their heads in with this autographed baseball bat!

Doug: Wait, when you let them in, I'll hide behind the door!

Steroids Man: You pansy.

Doug stands next to the door and Steroids Man opens it. The opened door is now hiding Doug behind it but Steroids Man and Amanda can still see him. The two guys begin to enter the mansion but Steroids Man breaks a baseball bat over one's head and the other steps back and draws a shot-gun.

Bug guy 2: Not so tough now are ya? You just killed my brother and now I'm going to kill you and your girlfriend!

Steroids Man is froze and Amanda too with fear when Steroids Man notices Doug doing something out of the corner of his eye. Doug is removing his sock quietly and putting a pool ball in there. Specifically the orange number 5 ball. Doug swings the ball in his sock and it goes around the door and into the second big guy's temple, killing him instantly.

Steroids Man: holy crap, Doug! You saved us all!

Amanda: Where did you even get that pool ball?!

Steroids Man: Oh my goodness you seriously just saved us both, thank you so much!

????????????

Steroids Man jumps up in bed quickly covered in sweat and screams. Amanda is next to him. It's 2 AM.

Amanda: What the hell are you doing?

Steroids Man: Oh my gosh... I just had the strangest dream.

Amanda: Ok, goodnight.

Amanda goes back to bed as she's exhausted and Steroids Man often screams and jumps in his sleep.

Steroids Man: What a strange dream indeed...... *cough*

Steroids Man coughs a #5 pool ball out of his mouth and goes back to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~The next day

The Robot is at the park sitting on a bench eating a sandwich when he notices kids playing at a nearby playground area. The robot is intrigued and goes over.

Robot: HELLO CHILDREN - MAY I ENGAGE IN CHILDHOOD ACTIVITIES WITH YOU ALL?

Some kid: No, this is for KIDS only!

Robot: BUT -- I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU - YOU ALL APPEAR TO BE EXPERIENCING MAXIMUM HAPPINESS!

Some kid: Get away from us Tin Man!

Robot: MY ARTIFICIAL FEELINGS!!!

The robot runs away crying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man just finished serving Phil breakfast through a funnel and enters the living room to hang out with Amanda before she goes to work another day as police chief. They chat for a bit and pet the cats Conky and Max when Doug enters the room. Doug is now using a makeshift leg he made from VCR tapes.

Doug: Morning y'all.

Steroids Man: Oh Doug, am I ever glad to see you!

Doug: Oh? What's up homie?

Steroids Man explains the dream to Doug.

Doug: Really? Wow... so I saved your life in a dream.... that's pretty cool!

Steroids Man: Yeah, it was so wacky and vivid.

Doug: you know, it might have been intentional.

Steroids Man: huh?

Doug: Maybe last night when I was sleeping I felt that your dream was in trouble, and I came to the rescue.

Steroids Man: I severely doubt that....

Doug: No I think it's possible, you owe me one.

Steroids Man: What do you mean I owe you one?!?

Doug: I saved your dreams life, you should pay me like 50 dollars or something just as a courtesy.

Steroids Man: That makes no smurf sense.

Doug: Don't be so tight and give a handicapped man some money to buy smokes!

Steroids Man: Absolutely not!!

Doug: Fine, next time you have a dream where you're in trouble, I'm not going to help you!

Steroids Man: fine.

Doug: You could be drowning in a lake and I would push you in deeper in the water with my foot.

Steroids Man: you wouldn't be able to hold yourself up with one leg!

Doug: It's a dream balloon knot, I don't have to be handicapped in a dream! In fact I'm mega rich and get blown after every meal!

Steroids Man: Then maybe in your dream you'll get that fifty bucks you so desperately need!

Doug: I can't wait to beat the shazam! out of you tonight in my sleep.

Steroids Man: Bring it jabberwocky, you'll be eating cereal out of a funnel just like Phil eats cereal out of a funnel.

Amanda is completely ignoring all of this and eating her breakfast.... she's tuning out the madness.

Suddenly the wall busts apart and the robot comes in crying.

Robot: I'M SO DEPRESSED!!!

Steroids Man: What's wrong?

Robot: LITTLE CHILDREN WOULD NOT PLAY WITH ME..... I .... I .... I'M TOTALLY EXPERIENCING EMOTIONS 143 - 196! I JUST WANTED TO BELONG!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A ROBOT FRIEND I CAN RELATE TOO!

Doug: That's not true... you have this ... calculator...

Robot: I NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD.... I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE -- DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOUR CHILDHOODS?

Doug: I spent most of my childhood starting fires and stealing people's identity's.

Steroids Man: I never had a childhood... I was found in a car fire at a gas station and then was basically a human slave to my "Father" who used me to get him liquor money.... I don't even have a name let alone a childhood... ... what about you Amanda?

Everyone looks over to see Amanda is gone and peels out of the driveway in her squad car.

Robot: I JUST WANT TO HAVE A CHILDHOOD -- I WANT TO BE A REAL BOY -- IF EVEN FOR A SHORT WHILE.

Steroids Man: Ok.

~~~~

At a quaint ice-cream shop a man draws a gun and causes all the staff and customers to cower in fear.

Clerk: What do you want!?!

Robber: I want a triple fudge sundae!

Clerk: But our machines aren't equipped to handle triple fudge!

Robber: I'm tired of living in a two fudge world, make it up or I swear I'll murder-suicide us all!

Robot: NOT SO FAST HUMAN CRIMINAL!

The robot drops his metal fist down on the robber and knocks him out as everyone cheers!

Woman: That robot saved our lives!

Son: Wait Mommy... what is he doing!?!? *cry*

The robot is ripping the flesh off the robber and attaching it to his metal frame.

Robot: YES -- SOON I WILL BE A REAL HUMAN BOY AND THE CHILDREN WILL PLAY WITH ME!!

~~~~

Steroids Man is alone playing dominoes in the games room when suddenly a terrible pain comes over him and he clutches his heart and ruins his domino set up.

Steroids Man: The pain... what is this ... it's HORRIBLE!! IT BURNS!!!

Steroids man writhes around in the domino pile in pain when suddenly The Manager projects himself in front of him.

The Manager: Yes .... perfect.

Steroids Man: What's going on? I have like ULTRA HEARTBURN AND NEED A THUMBS!

The Manager: ....you mean Tums?

Steroids Man: What the hell is that?

The Manager: It's me doing this to you, you idiot!

Steroids Man: But ... how?

The Manager: My powers are growing and I have more influence on this world.... now I can take advantage of one of my prized possessions.

Steroids Man: What is it?

The Manager: Your soul!

Steroids Man: What... you own my soul?

The Manager: Indeed I do, now I have more control of you than ever!

The Manager reaches out to Steroids Man and Steroids Man experiences more deep pain.

Steroids Man: ... but ... how?

The Manager: You're such an idiot.....

##FLASHBACK TO SEASON 2 when The Manager was alive and Dave was living with Steroids Man.

Dave is high as hell and Steroids Man is drunk off his bottom. The 3 of them are playing poker and making wagers.

Steroids Man: Oh man..... I ran out of money.

Dave: Me too man... I'm gonna get some more WEED man!

Dave leaves and goes in the basement where he has a whole crop of marijuana plants growing. Dave rips a huge plant out of the ground and stuffs it into a enormous bong and begins to light it with a blow torch.

~Back at the table.

Steroids Man: I guess the game is over, I got nothing else left to bid.

The Manager: Well we can bet other things.

Steroids Man: Like what?

The Manager: How about you wager your soul?

Steroids Man: My soul? Seems kind of important.....

The Manager: Come on.

Steroids Man: Well what will you bet?

The Manager: You can have the gum I'm chewing on.

Steroids Man: ummmm...

The Manager: It still has most of it's flavour!

Steroids Man: I'm in!

The Manager: What do you got?

Steroids Man: Read em and weep, 7 high! (Followed by 5,4,3,2)

The Manager: Are you serious? That's like the lowest hand possible in poker... how did you even manage to do that?

Steroids Man: You're jealous. Try and stop me!

The Manager: 3 queens.

Steroids Man: Oh smurf me....

Steroids Man passes out on the cold cold floor.

~~~~BACK TO PRESENT

Steroids Man: Oh shazam! man, you can't hold that against me, I was drunk I was!

The Manager: Well I am!

The Manager uses his dark powers to make Steroids Man experience more pain.

The Manager: WHAAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAAHAHA

The Manager vanishes happy that he now has more control over Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: What am I going to do? How can I get my soul back?! I better consult Phil!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Children are playing at the playground area of the park, when suddenly a strange figure approaches.

Robot: CHILDREN I HAVE COME BACK AS ONE OF YOUR OWN TO PLAY WITH YOU!

The children all scream in horror at what they are witnessing. The robot is back but this time he has bloody skin covering his metal parts... but many metal parts are still exposed. He's also wearing a child's baseball hat and children's clothing that he stole from the store that are all stretched out and torn. He's damn scary looking. Children are running around freaking out big time.

Robot: LET ME BE YOUR REAL BOY FRIEND YOUNG HUMANS!!

Kid: DADDY! DADDY!

Father: Get away from my son you freak!

The Father hits the robot with a board and the robot kicks the Father in the leg, breaking it.

Robot: I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NORMAL CHILDHOOD!!! LOVE ME!!!! *drinks whiskey straight*

Two police officers come over and the robot beats the crap out of them... and stops when he notices a little girl crying.

Robot: OH NO... I HAVE BECOME A MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

The robot throws in a few more shots and runs away crying and eating a small puppy.

~~~~~

Steroids Man is in Phil's room watching his lifeless body.

Steroids Man: Phil, I need your help! It's time to wake up out of that coma!

Phil is silent.

Steroids Man: Damn it man, wake up, PLEASE!

Steroids Man slaps Phil in the face with a stinky fish with no effect.

Steroids Man: I need your help getting my soul back!!!

Steroids Man smacks Phil around a bit and then picks him out of bed and throws him into a wall where he crashes into the ground all limp.

Steroids Man: Oh no.... you're still in your coma... I'm going to have to abuse you even harder to wake you up!

~~~

Doug is in his room watching Lethal Weapon and other movies of the sort.

Doug: Yes, a few more of these movies and I'll have the fuel I need to kill Steroids Man in his dreams.

~~~~

Amanda is in her office at the police station when a fellow officer comes in.

Officer Jan: Did you get the update?

Amanda: Which one?

Officer Jan: A crazy robot wearing human skin assaulted two of our police officers!

Amanda: Was it.... a very loud robot?

Officer Jan: How did you know???

Amanda looks really sad and begins to fill out paperwork.

~~~ The Robot is walking home very depressed.

Robot: MY FIRST JAUNT AS A HUMAN AND I FAILED HORRIBLY!

The robot sees something in the distance. It's a girl and a boy holding hands.

Boy: Well, I'll catch ya later, have a good day baby!

Girl: I love you!

Boy: I love you too!

They part ways and the girl begins to walk home.

Robot: THAT'S IT! IF I CAN'T BE A HUMAN BOY... MAYBE I CAN TRY BEING A HUMAN TEENAGER AND MAKE A GIRLFRIEND!

The robot follows the girl home.

~~~~

Phil is sitting at the kitchen table held up with duct tape and with jumper cables attached to his cheeks and leading to a car battery.

Steroids Man zaps Phil full of juice and he actually wakes up!

Steroids Man: It worked! It worked!

Phil: What the ... where am I ... why are my cheeks so hot and why am I bound to a chair?

Steroids Man: Listen, I need your help!

Phil: What's going on!?

Steroids Man: You've been in a coma, but listen!

Phil: A coma? How long?

Steroids Man: A few weeks, but hey....

Phil: A few weeks?!?! Oh crap, I was suppose to get my drivers license renewed!

Steroids Man: ....what

Phil: I kept putting it off and now I'm going to have to start the whole process over again, damn it!

Steroids Man: That's all you care about? Your smurf drivers license?

Phil: Well I need to be able to get places.

Steroids Man has a very dirty look on his face.

Steroids Man: I hate you so much I swear... go back into a coma you smurf!

~~~~~

The robot successfully followed the girl home. Turns out she likes to walk and lives far away. when night falls he sneaks in and ties and gags the parents and sneaks into the girl's room.

Girl: What the... AHHHHHHHHHHHH

The robot is still wearing human skin and child's clothing and gets down on one knee and rips off one of his bolt's and places it on her finger (which is way too tight).

Robot: HUMAN TEENAGE GIRL -- WILL YOU MARRY ME!?

Girl: Who the smurf are you and WHERE ARE MY PARENTS?!?!

Robot: DAMN IT -- IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR PARENTS -- WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP CLINGING TO THEM AND LOVE ME!!!!

Girl: Please don't hurt me!

Robot: I LOVE YOU -- LET ME SHOW YOU HOW ROMANTIC I AM BY WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS INTO YOUR EAR!

The robot comes over and places his mouth next to her ear.

Robot: NOTHING!!!! --- NOTHING!!! --- NOTHING!!!!!

Girl: My ears!!!! Please let me go and don't hurt me *cry*

Robot: YOU SELFISH jabberwocky, I WANT MY RING BACK!

The robot leaves and removes his skin to go back to his traditional look.

Robot: GUESS I WASN'T BUILT FOR LOVE... THEN WHY DO I HAVE A LOVE CHIP IN MY BRAIN!!?!?!

The robot tinkers around in his head and rips out some computer chips.

Robot: THERE -- ALL MY PAIN IS GONE!.... BUT I WILL NEVER BE A BALLERINA!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late at night Steroids Man and Doug are sitting face to face with each other.

Doug: You're going down buddy.

Steroids Man: I think YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Doug: I'm going to bring you to pain town, population, YOU!!!

Steroids Man: Let's see what ya got big boy.

Doug: Then we battle.... to the DEATH!

They each down a full bottle of NyQuil and pass out and collapse in front of each other snoring heavily.

Amanda comes in and sighs and then leaves the room and comes back driving a forklift to carry Steroids Man into bed.

~~~

[Wesley]

HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HEEE HA HA HA HA HEE HAR HAR HAR! That was some good stuff! I have been busy this week, so I did not have time to proofread it, but there was no need! The imagery of the robot covered in skin and clothes that were too small... creepy and funny... and creepy! SM and Doug having a dream battle! This is great!

[Clovvach]

I love bizar episodes like these!

but seriously great stuff here, my new favorite episode!

[Clarence]

Clovvach!

Glad to hear from ya again in the Steroids Man section

Thanks both for the positive reviews!

[Clovvach]

I read all 3 episodes to day that I din't post on.

[Clarence]

Thanks man!