Chapter 160 --> The Beginning

[Clarence]

Happy New Years everybody! A new year and a new start for Steroids Man ??? Find out!

The beginning ... darkness... silence .... like watching a television with the power out.

It weird ... what just happened?

Steve (thinking in the darkness): I'm stabbed ... son of a jabberwocky ... I've been stabbed right in the heart! This hurts!

Dave: Dude, no you're not.

Steroids Man suddenly opens his eyes.

Steroids Man: WHERE AM I!?!?!?

Steroids Man looks around to see he's in Dave's old apartment ... Everything looks just as it was when Steroids Man first met Dave ... Steroids Man then catches a glance of himself in the mirror to see he's Steroids Man again, large and overly muscular in his very old red costume.

Steroids Man: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON MAN!?!?!!?!!?

Dave: Whoa man calm er down. You spilled catchup on your Halloween costume and went on about getting stabbed or something. Maybe this weed is too strong for you, man.

Steroids Man: What? I'm smoking weed?!??

Steroids Man looks over to see an overly large cartoonish mega joint of epic proportions in his hand and large amounts of smoke coming off it.

Dave pulls out an even larger joint.

Dave: Yeah man, I gave you a piece of my joint when you came here looking for a room mate and to calm you down cause you were really angry over something....

Steroids Man: No ... this isn't right .... this is when I first met you, right?

Dave: Yeah ... that was only like 5 minutes ago before you tripped out on the weed.

Steroids Man: 5 minutes ago?!?! Man ... no ... this isn't right. I've traveled back in time or something! This is the first episode ... of my life!

Dave: He he he, you're so high!

Steroids Man: Are you trying to tell me my years of memories are just from this joint?!?

Dave: It's potent stuff man.

Steroids Man stands up and picks up Dave and violently shakes him!

Steroids Man: Tell me what's REALLY going on right now! IS THIS A REBOOT?!?!

Dave: Dude, I'm telling you, you came here and smoked some weed and got all messed up. It happens, it's cool man.

Steroids Man: No it's not cool! I have a wife and daughter and cat that talks and some wimpy son! I have a life I need to get back too!

Dave: ... a cat that talks?

Steroids Man: YES! He learned to talk when we all went to the planet Cokima! I need to get back to my life in THE FUTURE!!

Dave: Ok well ... if you want to get back there ... I have more weed.

Steroids Man: No I need less weed! I refuse to believe I dreamed my whole life! I can't be back here ... when I first met you ... when I first fought Pigeon Man!

Dave: Ummm... are you talking about that documentary on pigeons that we're watching?

Steroids Man looks at the TV and is in total shock and disbelief.

Dave: This show is damn sweet!

Steroids Man: Nope. Still not buying it. Still not believing this. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! I have to make things go back to the way they were. Don't you remember anything???

Dave: No....

Steroids Man: You're by brother! You become WEED MAN!

Dave: Dude ... *smokes joint* ... have a look around, I'm ALREADY Weed Man!

Steroids Man: Oh my goodness...

Suddenly there's a knock on the door.

Steroids Man: Who's that?

Dave: You never know who's gonna show up at that magic door.

Steroids Man: ...

Dave: Want a Banana?

Steroids Man: NO I DON'T WANT A BANANA!

Dave: They're delicious man.

Voice behind door: This is the police!

Dave: Oh damn, they want more weed already?

Voice behind door: We know that you killed Charlena Thompson! Come out with your hands up!

Dave: I didn't kill anyone man!

Steroids Man (remembering): ... I did...

Dave: What?

Steroids Man: Yes! Back in the first episode ... of my life ... I accidentally slapped her head off her body with my super strength during sexy times.

Dave: ... I think I'm too high.

Voice behind door: We're going to break this door down now!

Steroids Man: Come on Dave! We got to get out of here and figure this out!

Dave: Ummmm.....

Steroids Man picks up the TV and throws it through a window and jumps out as Dave goes and looks outside at Steroids Man.

Dave: Hyper lame man ... I just bought that TV.

Steroids Man: Come on, jump out the window, we gotta go!

Dave: I dunno... there's still a lot of broken glass around this frame. This seems dangerous ... I just want to go back to weed and Doritos now.

In the background, the door is being smashed and smashed but not breaking yet.

Voice behind door: Damn is this door made out of Oak or something? Seriously, this door is disproportionately good in comparison to the rest of this crappy apartment!

Steroids Man: Damn it Dave! Just jump out the window and we'll run to safety!

Dave: Uhhhh... I really just wanna stay here and get stoned.

Steroids Man: NO TIME TO ARGUE!!!!

Steroids Man reaches up from outside and grabs Dave by the hair.

Dave: OUCH!!!!

Steroids Man YANKS Dave out the window by the hair and slams him to the ground!

Steroids Man: Ok buddy let's go!

Steroids Man begins to run and looks back ... at Dave's lifeless body.

Steroids Man: Come on buddy, let's go! Come on!

*awkward silence*

Steroids Man: ... buddy ... pal?

Steroids Man goes over to Dave's lifeless body and rolls him over ... to reveal Dave's stomach was sliced open by glass from being dragged out the broken glass window.

Steroids Man: Oh shazam!!

Finally the two police officers break the door down and look out the window to see Steroids Man looking over Dave's lifeless body.

Officer Rick: Quickly! Outside!

The officers run to meet Steroids Man while he looks over Dave.

Steroids Man (crying): Don't die on me buddy!

Dave is covered in blood and his guts are hanging out of his large and exposed stomach wound.

Dave (coughing blood) : I ... *cough* ....

Steroids Man: I'll get you out of this brother! Just let me put your guts back inside you!!!

Steroids Man tries frantically to push all of Dave's internal organs back in while Dave screams and screams!

Dave: Please ... please stop ... this really sucks.

Steroids Man (weeping): What have I done!?!?

Dave: I ... I love ....

Steroids Man: Yes? What are you trying to say? You love .....

Dave: .... weed ... *dies*

Dave dies and his mouth drops open and blood and weed smoke fly out.

Steroids Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

The two officers finally arrive outside and next to Steroids Man with guns drawn.

Steroids Man: No Dave ... you can't die... you never died like this the last time we first met!

The officers look on very puzzled.

Steroids Man (crying): Maybe my tears will revive you!

Steroids Man holds dead Dave's dead mouth open while his tears fall in there.

Steroids Man: Come back to life brother! Come back to life and be my hero again!

Officer Rick: This is ... weird.

Officer Benny: Should we arrest this guy or just shoot him right here?

Steroids Man is now standing and hugging Dave's dead body which is flopping all over and spilling out blood and guts and joints.

Steroids Man: I LOVE YOU BROTHER!!! I'LL AVENGE YOU!!!!

Suddenly wires shoot at Steroids Man as Officer Rick hits him with his taser!

Steroids Man: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Steroids Man does not fall down and looks extra crazy.

Officer Rick: I need backup!

Officer Benny shoots another taser into Steroids Man and he's being double zapped but not falling down!

Officer Rick: What IS this man!!?

Steroids Man pulls on the wires while being shocked and pulls the tasers out of the officer's hands!

Officer Rick: Ummmm....

Steroids Man: ROOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!

Steroids Man runs at the officers with his steroids strength and slight bulky speed only to get shot ... in the penis area and immediately collapse.

Officer Rick: Oh damn Benny, you shot him in the princess sophia!

Officer Benny: I didn't know what else to do!!!

~~~~~~black out~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Steroids Man's perspective we see an eye open to look at a doctor performing surgery ....

Doctor: There's no doubt about it ... this penis is going to have to come off ... it's broken and can never be repaired.

Nurse: Ummm.... I think his anesthetic is wearing off!

Doctor: Son of a jabberwocky, how much does this bear need?

We see a mask cover the view and begin to fade out.....

Doctor: keep that on him while I saw his penis off ......

The Doctor pulls out an old fashioned crosscut hand saw ...

~~~~~~~more scary black out~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man wakes up in a jail cell and looks around confused.

Steroids Man: Oh man ... what happ....

Steroids Man then sees a large medical cast wrapped around him like a baby's diaper and a hose leading to a shopping bag.

Steroids Man: IS THIS MY PENIS NOW!?!! I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY OLD LIFE! I WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING STABBED TO DEATH!!!

Steroids Man keeps looking at his bandaged private parts while a guard knocks on the cell from outside.

Guard: Your court appointed lawyer is here to see you.

Steroids Man: Ok....

Steroids Man continues to look at himself down there.

Guard (to lawyer): You sure you want to go in there with him?

Lawyer (to Guard): Yes, you know I always get to know my clients like this.

The guard lets the lawyer in and the lawyer sits in the cell opposite to Steroids Man and the door shuts.

Steroids Man (still only looking at his injury): ... I want my penis back...

Lawyer: Hello there. I'm here to build a defense for you in court.

Steroids Man finally looks up and screams when he sees the lawyer is ....

Steroids Man: PHIL!!!?!?!?!

Phil: Yes, how did you know my name?

Steroids Man tries to get up and run away but the cell has been locked and his pee bag is weighing him down.

Phil: Don't be afraid, I'm here to help you!

Steroids Man: Help me?!?! How do I know you didn't somehow trap me in the past so you could rape me in this jail cell!??!

Phil: Ummm... what?

Steroids Man: You're behind all of this aren't you!?! All these weird things that are happening!

Phil: All I'm here to do is represent you in court.

Steroids Man: Do you think you can help me?

Phil: Actually I am positive I can get you off.

Steroids Man: ... get me off?

Phil: Yes, let me tell you how I'll get you off... this is going to be really good for you...

Before Phil can explain that pleading insanity will get Steroids Man off these charges ... Steroids Man chokes him to death by wrapping his pee hose thing around Phil's neck.

Steroids Man: DIE YOU NERD!!! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO MAKE LOVE TO ME!!?!?!!

The guards go back to the cell and look on from behind the bars.

Guard #1: ... are you serious?

Steroids Man: This isn't what it looks like!

Guard #2: Now who will defend you, you idiot! You killed your lawyer!

Steroids Man stands up with new found determination in his eyes.

Steroids Man: I'll defend myself!

~~~later~~~

In court....

Steroids Man: I would like to call MYSELF to the witness stand!

Judge: Ok, get up here.

Steroids Man is escorted to the stand by armed guards and has a seat near the judge.

*awkward pause*

Judge: Well ... ???

Steroids Man: Go.

Judge: Go what??

Steroids Man: Ask me questions.

Judge: *sigh* ... you are defending yourself ... you have to ask yourself the questions.

Steroids Man: Right on ... ok.

Steroids Man looks around as all eyes and jury are on him.

Steroids Man: Do I have any questions for me? Yes I do. Question 1 - did you kill those two people?

Judge: 3 people.

Steroids Man: 3???

Judge: Yes, the lawyer, the stoner and the Shay.

Steroids Man: Oh, right Charlena, I forgot because the last time I killed her I got away with it somehow.

Judge: The last time you killed her???

Steroids Man: Yes, before I went back in time somehow I never got arrested for killing her!

Everyone stares blankly.

Steroids Man: So anyway, to continue, pick me to not be arrested for this and I promise I'll be your hero again and defeat all the bad guys, such as The Manager!

*pause*

Judge: Are you done talking now?

Steroids Man: Yes.

Judge (to Jury): How do you find the defendant?

The Jury all screams: GUILTY!!!

The judge bangs his gavel.

Judge: You are sentenced to life in prison!

Steroids Man: Life? I don't want to live this penis-less new life in jail man ... can't you have me killed???

Judge: No. This punishment is far worse. You'll spend your life thinking about what you've done in a big never-ending time out with other criminals while our tax dollars keep you alive, fed and sheltered with only substandard cable.

Steroids Man: Huh....

~~~~

Steroids Man finds himself in a small jail cell and is filled with sadness and dispair.

Steroids Man: ... was my whole life really just a weed induced illusion!?!

Steroids Man cries while eating a banana as another large prisoner is sent into the cell with him and the doors get locked.

Steroids Man: Hello...

Criminal (intense voice): jabberwocky! Did I say you could talk? Is Violent Vincent going to have to smurf YOU TONIGHT?!?!

Steroids Man (sadly): You can't smurf me, Violent Vincent ... I got my weiner shot off...

Steroids Man breaks down and cries and cries.

Steroids Man: I lost everything ... my family ... my freedom ... my wang ... my LIFE!

Violent Vincent puts his arm around Steroids Man to console him.

Violent Vincent (very nice voice): There, there, buddy. Violent Vincent will help you out!

Suddenly a third prisoner gets shoved into the cell.

Guard: We're over crowded so 3 to a cell now!

As the guard leaves, the new cell mate approaches and is extra scary...

New Cell Mate: YO! WHICH ONE OF YOU IS BUTT RAPING BRADLEY GONNA RAPE FIRST??!?!

Violent Vincent: Now now, Butt Raping Bradley, can't you see our new friend here is hurting ... emotionally?

Butt Raping Bradley: I'm sorry ... I did not know!

Violent Vincent: We need to get this man out of here!

Butt Raping Bradley: Do you mean ... the mystic ruins of cell block 6?

Violent Vincent: Yes ... cell block 6 ... it's the only way.

Butt Raping Bradley (to Steroids Man): Are you sure about this, new guy? Legend has it that ...

Steroids Man: YES, LET'S GET THE smurf OUT OF HERE!!!

~~~~

Steroids Man, Violent Vincent, Butt Raping Bradley and their new partner, Al, all meet up in the lunch room and eat bananas and time their move as they watch the guards.

Al: Ok ... now!

The four of them sneak away and make their way to cell block 6!!!

~~~

Steroids Man and his new friends are walking down the abandoned and creepy cell block 6 area.

Steroids Man: This is one scary place!

Al: There is nothing to fear here ... unless you brought fear with you!

Steroids Man: What the hell does that mean?!?!

As they make their way further into the abandoned cell block 6 area, they encounter more bats and trees and scorpions and a lion.

Steroids Man: What the smurf?

Al: You need to be quiet now.

Violent Vincent: Hey now, don't talk to him like that!

Al (super serious): If you want to survive this and have me continue to be your guide, you have to do exactly what I say!

Suddenly a loud and powerful voice is heard from the shadows and ruins.

Voice: Who goes there?

Al: It's time.

Al positions everyone together in front of a large white pillar that's covered in hieroglyphics and ancient Sumerian text and Mayan symbols and French.

Al: We have brought a peace offering.

A chubby white man with white hair that's dressed in a white suit and black bow-tie approaches and accepts a gift of a banana and peanut butter sandwich in exchange for his services.

Man in White Suit: I am appeased.

Steroids Man: Ok ... who is this?

Al: This is Colonel Slanders and he will now lead us to the Oracle.

Steroids Man: Colonel .... Slanders???

Colonel Slanders: Yes, and let me tell you why I hate foreigners...

Steroids Man: No just take me to this ... *sigh* ... oracle....

Colonel Slanders: He's in that room over there, the one marked "Oracle".

Steroids Man: For crying out smurf loud, why did we even need you?!?!?!

~~~~

Steroids Man and his 3 friends enter the strange room which leads to a crawl space and tunnel and finally a cave with the Oracle.

We see a VERY old and frail man sitting against the cave wall with super long gray hair and a gun. His long gray hair and beard fill his part of the room.

Steroids Man: ... are you the oracle?

Oracle: Yes my child. Have you come for my gun?

Steroids Man: I came for a way out of here.

Oracle: My gun is the way out of here. With it you can escape.

Steroids Man: Really? I came all this way for a gun? I wanted some kind of secret exit point!

Oracle: Trust my sage wisdom, this gun and it's bullet will surely guide you to freedom!

Steroids Man: You mean there's only one bullet? What the hell am I suppose to do with that???

Violent Vincent: This could work guy, we can take a hostage and walk out of here!

Butt Raping Bradley: And the guards won't know we only have one bullet. We can even fire a shot to show we mean business and bluff our way out!

Steroids Man: But where would we go?

Violent Vincent: I have a half clone in North Korea, he would take us in. There's no laws there!

Steroids Man: Wait ... what? Oh never mind, just give me the gun old man.

Oracle: No ... you have to prove yourself worthy of the gun and earn it! Only then can you have it.

Steroids Man: What's stopping me from taking it?

Oracle: I'll shoot you in the groin if you try!

Steroids Man: Well I certainly can't take another one of those ... *sigh* ... what do I have to do?

Oracle: You must tell me a story ....

Steroids Man has blank expression on his face.

Oracle: And a good one at that!

Steroids Man: Fine, you want a story, let me give you a story! My life story ... or at least what I thought was my life.

Steroids Man proceeds to go through all his experiences with the Oracle and the others in the room listening on.

Steroids Man: ... and that's when my girlfriend Rebecca was killed ...

...

Steroids Man: ... so I had no choice ... I had to choke my beloved pet horse to death to stop him from terrorizing the town ...

...

Steroids Man: ...Stephanie fell into the lava ... another victim of my love ....

...

Steroids Man: ... I guess I kind of knew the Manager was using me ... I'm not that dumb ... I just ... *sigh* ... didn't want to believe it ... after all he seemed like my friend and really ... after all... who would want to be my friend?

...

Steroids Man: ... and then ... my Dad left me in the car to burn to death .... again ....

...

Steroids Man: ... my biggest fan ever ... Stan ... dies right in front of my eyes ....

...

Steroids Man: ... and my son is the biggest wimp ever ... what a loser! ....

...

As Steroids Man wraps up his lengthy tale, everyone is in tears and bawling their eyes out!

Steroids Man: And that's it ... that's my life story. And now I'm here now trying to get out of this prison.

The Oracle looks very depressed and is crying so hard.

Steroids Man: Oh yeah, and one more thing. I lost my penis too.

Oracle: I can't take it anymore ... so sad ... so much pain.

Steroids Man: Can I have the gun now?

The Oracle points the gun in his own mouth.

Steroids Man: NOOOO!!!!!

The Oracle blows his brains out and collapses from the sadness.

Steroids Man: Damn it! I really needed that bullet!!!

Steroids Man drops himself in the corner of the cave and is so defeated.

Steroids Man: I don't know what to do ... what am I suppose to do now???

In the distance we hear something and everyone looks to the outside of the cave.

Colonel Slanders: Who goes there?

Other voice: Where are the missing prisoners?

Colonel Slanders: Offer me a banana and peanut butter sandwich and I'll talk!

*gun shots*

Unknown voice: We killed the all white guy, now find the others!

Different Voice: Maybe they're in that cave! Let's go in there and kill anyone in there!

We hear many foot steps approaching.

Butt Raping Bradly: What do we do? They're coming!

Steroids Man: Wait, what's that?

Steroids Man sees a strange small tunnel behind the dead oracle, his long hair was previously blocking it.

Steroids Man: Everyone in here!

Steroids Man goes into the small tunnel first but it's too late for the others ... the guards make their way into the cave and begin shooting as Steroids Man listens to the screams!

Steroids Man: I better move!

Steroids Man follows deeper into the tiny tunnel as the sounds of the guards talking grows fainter.

Steroids Man: I wonder where this goes?

SUDDENLY the small tunnel collapses into a larger pit and Steroids Man gets covered in dirt and rocks. Slowly, Steroids Man manages to dig himself out and looks around at what appears to be a large arena.

Steroids Man: Now where the hell am I?

Loud Voice: IN YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!

Steroids Man looks over to see a GIANT banana man with long thin limbs and an electrified whip!

Steroids Man: What the hell are you!?!?!?!?

Giant Banana Man: I'm a rotisserie chicken. What does it look like dumb-bottom?

The Giant Banana whips Steroids Man in the face causing him to lose an eye right out of his skull! Steroids Man then finds himself backed into a corner!

Steroids Man: Why are you doing this to me!?!?!

Giant Banana Man: I'm going to EAT YOU!

The Giant Banana Man picks up Steroids Man with his giant arm!

Steroids Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Steroids Man looks on in horror as he's moved closed to the giant banana's evil sharp teeth!

Steroids Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The evil banana teeth are about to bite down on Steroid's Man's body!!!!!



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



Voice: Steve ... calm down ... you're awake now ... everything is alright!

From Steve's perspective we look up to see what appears to be a doctor looking down at him. We continue from here using Steve's perspective only.

Steve: What ... what happened?

Doctor: You were in a coma ...

Steve: For how long ... why?

Doctor: A few hours ... you ate too many bananas and got potassium poisoning.

Steve: What are you saying?

Doctor: You went bananas.

Steve: So wait ... what is reality? I had a messed up dream that my whole life started over and was all just a weed high trip!

Doctor: That was the dream, this is reality.

Steve: So I was stabbed in the heart?

Doctor: Yes ... you were....

Steve sits up.

Steve: Whew ... I was scared that something was horribly wrong.

Steve looks down at his hands ... his wrinkly and liver spotted hands ....

Steve: What the ....

Steve catches a mirror in the room to see his reflection ... of a very elderly man ....

Steve: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!