Chapter 161 --> The Old Man

[Clarence]

Steve is screaming in horror at discovering he has somehow become an old man!

Steve: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Steve continues to scream for a few minutes while the doctor looks at charts and stuff and turns around and notices.

Doctor: Oh, are you screaming? Sorry .. your voice is so faint and elderly I didn't notice.

Steve: What happened to me?!?! TELL ME NOW!!!!

Doctor: Ok, I will, just please be calm.

The doctor presses a button on a speaker.

Doctor (to speaker): Send in the nurses please.

Two nurses come in and sit on either side of Steve's bed, one of them has a syringe.

Steve: Is that steroids??? I'm too old for steroids!

Doctor: No, it's something to gently put you to sleep for a bit if you get too excited again.

Steve: Huh?

Doctor: We have tried multiple times to make you aware of your present situation and we're tired of you not accepting it and trying to kill yourself.

Steve: What ....??

Doctor: This will be our 5th time going through this. If you get too excited this time we're going to sedate you.

Steve: Tell me doc ... I can handle it ... maybe.

Doctor: The first thing you should know is that this is the year 2035.

Steve: I'VE TRAVELED 500 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE!!!!??!?!?!!?

The nurses get closer and one of them raises a syringe.

Steve: Sorry! Go on...

Doctor: You've been in a coma for about 20 years and finally came out of it last week.

Steve: That's why I'm so old ... But I should only be like ... 70 ... why do I look and feel like 100?

Doctor: You're not going to come out of a 20 year coma feeling refreshed and revitalized. This experience has aged you terribly.

Steve (feeling around): Why can't I feel my balls?

Doctor: Well ... we had to remove a testicle due to circulation issues.

Steve: But what happened to my other one???

Doctor: It died of loneliness.

Steve: Ok ... well this sucks and I'm going to kill myself!

Doctor: Alright, Nurses, sedate him.

Steve: NO WAIT! Fine. I'll stay calm ... just tell me everything that happened ... the last thing I remember is getting stabbed in the heart.

Doctor: Right, here's what happened....

##Flashback##

Show Steve stabbed by the Caped Man and the knife go right into his heart! Steve collapses as his family looks down at him - Weed Man, Amanda, Samantha, David and Max.

The Caped Man runs off into the distance!

Amanda: WHO THE smurf WAS THAT!?!?!

Weed Man: You take care of Steve, I'll get that guy!

Weed Man begins to chase the killer while running at super human speed ...

##End Flashback##

Doctor: ... but he never found him. Unfortunately ... the man who tried to kill you was never caught.

Steve: How do you know Weed Man chased the knife guy?

Doctor: I have been at this hospital since before you were admitted. I got to know your family and talked to them a lot while they visited. I know everything about you and more.

Steve: Where is my family now???

Doctor: Let me get back to the story .... so anyway....

##Flashback##

Samantha (on phone with 911): Hurry!!! My Dad has been stabbed in the heart! Please get here NOWWWW!!!! *cries*

Max is whimpering in the corner of the room and so is David. Amanda is holding Steve in her arms and crying a lot!

Amanda: Don't die on me, please! I need you! I'm sorry that we cheated on each other! I forgive you! Don't die!!!!!

Amanda cries all over the place and into Steve's open mouth.

Amanda: Taste my tears Steve! They're tears of love! Use them for strength and come out of this!

Samantha: I don't think that's how it works, Mom!

Amanda: It will work if you BELIEVE!!!

~~ show an ambulance zip by and then pan to inside an operating room ~~

Show the family outside while doctors consult inside.

##End Flashback##

Doctor: I was the head doctor in that room. I helped save your life ...

Steve: You did?

Doctor: Yes.

Steve: Wow ... I don't even know your name.

Doctor: My name is Landon Brown. So, anyway, I was in the operating room with the other doctors....

##Flashback##

Doctor Brown: This is bad ... this man's heart can not be repaired! The damage is too severe! He needs a replacement right away!

Doctor Gomez: We have none right now!

Suddenly a strange looking doctor enters the room with a logo that says "Ludicrous Industries"

Doctor Ludicrous: I can help!

Doctor Brown: How many times do we have to tell you that you're not a real doctor and to stop hanging around this hospital?

Doctor Ludicrous: You know damn well that this is the perfect opportunity to test my prototype zinc heart I made!

Doctor Gomez: ugghh .... I hate to say this but it really is this man's only chance.

Doctor Brown: Damn it fine! Let's cut him open and do this!

The doctors begin to operate and cut Steve open and replace the heart.

Doctor Ludicrous: Wow ... this heart is way too big ... we are going to have to kind of force it in there.

Doctor Gomez: Why are his veins and insides so damaged??? It looks like he's already had a few heart transplants by a really bad surgeon!

The family continues to watch from outside with great worry.

David: I can't take it anymore!!!

David breaks into the operating room and hugs Steve while he's still cut open and blood gets all over.

David: DADDY!!!! PLEASE BE OK!!!!

Max begins to head butt Steve with a soaked furry forehead because he just drank from a faucet.

Weed Man is filling the operating room with smoke as he's using a LARGE water bong.

Samantha tries to get Max away from Steve while Amanda tries to pull David off from hugging Steve. In the process many things and equipment are getting destroyed in the operating room and Steve's surgery hole is getting messed up.

Max: I can't handle this!!!! I'm very upset!

Max pukes in Steve's exposed heart area!

Doctor Brown: EVERYONE GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!

##End Flashback##

Steve: Aww... my family loves me so much.

Doctor Brown: They almost killed you....

Steve: They meant well.

Doctor Brown: Anyway, the surgery was a success and the zinc heart actually worked.

Steve (looking at his chest): So I have a zinc heart in here right now?

Doctor Brown: Yes ... be careful with that.

Steve: So ... why did I go into a coma??

Doctor Brown: Because the zinc heart horribly poisoned your blood stream and your body shut down.

Steve: Of course ...

Doctor Brown: Anyway, after you went into the coma your family stayed by your side ...

##Flashback##

Show Weed Man, Amanda, Samantha, David and Max all here and looking sad around Steve's Bed. Amanda is right by his side.

Doctor Brown narrating: They visited you all the time, especially your wife who never left your side ... but one day Weed Man disappeared. Nobody knew what happened to him.

Show news reports of Weed Man having disappeared and crime up all over the city.

Doctor Brown narrating: After Weed Man disappeared and crime was on the rise ... your daughter stepped up to replace him. But not as Glitter Girl ... as Steroids Girl!

Show a large muscular woman wearing a similar version of Steve's old red Steroids Man costume.

##End Flashback##

Steve: Wow ... she really is my daughter. I'm so proud of her.

Doctor Brown: Yes, just like Weed Man took over for you, she took over for Weed Man. And she did a damn fine job.

Steve: Where is she now?

Doctor Brown: She could be anywhere, she doesn't just stay in this city, she travels the world helping people.

Steve: Wow.... did Weed Man ever come back???

Doctor Brown: No, nobody knows what ever happened to him.

Steve: Ok, well what about the rest of my family?

Doctor Brown: Eventually your son got a family and stopped visiting ... I'm not sure what happened to your cat.

Steve: And my wife?

Doctor (to nurse): You better get that sedative ready.

Steve looks really big eyed and sad and concerned.

##Flashback##

Show Amanda by Steve's side. Always by his side. We see a montage of them getting old together with her sticking around LONG after everyone else left ....

Amanda is now really old.

Amanda: Steve ... *cough* ... I know you can hear me ... somehow I know it .... I'm never leaving you ... I love you with all my .... HEART ATTACK!

Amanda collapses in Steve's comatose arms as Doctor Brown walks in.

Doctor Brown: Oh no!

Doctor Brown checks her pulse and pulls out a recording device and talks into it.

Doctor Brown: Time of death, 4:17 ... cause ... loneliness.

##End Flashback##

Steve: SHE DIED OF LONELINESS!?!?!?

Doctor Brown: Yes ... just like your left testicle.

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Doctor Brown: SEDATE HIM NOW!!!!!

Steve: ALRIGHT ALREADY! FRIG! I really hate this whole sedation threat thing!

Doctor Brown: Well it's needed! We tried to tell you this 4 times already! You tried to kill yourself each time and somehow erased it from your memory!

##Flashback##

Suicide attempt #1 -

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Steve gets to an elevator and makes it to the hospital roof where the doctors catch up with him.

Steve: I'm going to jump!!!!

Steve runs to the edge of the roof but forgets his age and gets really tired and has to sit down.

Steve: Damn ... *pant* ... I'm so old ... *pant*

A nurse sedates him.

Attempt #2 -

Steve: I'm going to cut my wrists with this knife!

Steve attempts to pick up a metal kitchen knife ... but it's too heavy for his old arms to lift.

Steve: Damn it.

Once again the doctors get him and sedate him.

Attempt #3 -

Steve has a bunch of pills that he stole and approaches the doctors office.

Steve: Can you open these pills for me? They're child proof or something and I want to overdose on them.

Doctor Brown: *sigh*

Attempt #4 -

The doctors have Steve cornered in the kitchen.

Steve: I'm going to KILL MYSELF!!

Doctor Brown: Listen, after your last attempts we made this hospital suicide proof, ok? There's nothing you can do!

Steve: Oh yeah?

Steve sees a bunch of bananas.

Steve: I'll overdose on bananas!

Steve eats way too many bananas and of course goes into his banana coma.

##End Flashback##

Doctor Brown: Please tell me you're done with the ridiculous suicide attempts.

Steve: Fine ... but I'm an old man removed 20 years from time ... and lost my wife ... what have I got to live for?

Doctor Brown: You can find the rest of your family maybe, they would love to see you again!

Steve: I ... suppose.

Steve stands up out of bed and walks around.

Steve: Hey ... how come I can walk after being in a coma for 20 years?

Doctor Brown: Modern medicine. We gave you anti-atrophy injections.

Steve: I see ...

Steve looks out the window.

Steve: Where are all the space ships and what-not?

Doctor Brown: You would be surprised how little things have changed in 20 years actually ...

Steve: Can you do me a favour?

Doctor Brown: I'll try my best.

Steve: I want to see my wife .... I want to see her grave.

Doctor Brown: I guess I can do that ... but I'll need some gas money.

Steve: Are you smurf serious? I just got out of a 20 year coma!!

Doctor Brown: If you thought the economy sucked in 2015....

~~~~

They arrive at the cemetery and Steve gets out to see the grave while the doctor stays in the driver seat.

Steve: I would like to be alone now.

Doctor Brown: I can wait for you.

Steve: No ... just leave me here.

Doctor Brown: You're not going to kill yourself are you?

Steve: NO DAMN IT JUST LEAVE!!!!!

Doctor Brown: Whatever, I'm more than done trying with you.

Doctor Brown speeds off down the cemetery road while Steve gets closer to the grave.

Steve: I can't believe you're gone ... how can I live without you?

Steve read the tombstone: "Here lies Amanda Mann, beloved wife of Steve Mann, formerly Steroids Man - the greatest hero ever!"

Steve: OMG seriously?!!?! This is really tugging at my zinc heart strings!!

Steve falls to his knees and cries!

Steve: My elderly tears are making my face cold!

Steve hugs the tombstone passionately.

Steve: You never left my side all those years when I was in a coma *sniff* and I'm not going to leave you now!

Steve hugs and fondles her tomb stone and begins to kiss it all over.

Steve: I'm coming for you my precious wife!!!!

Steve begins to dig up the ground around the grave with his hands. He's so determined right now that he's making good progress despite his advanced age.

Steve: I need to see you one more time! Maybe you're not dead and there will be a message of where to find you!!!

Steve digs and digs and actually makes it to the coffin.

Steve: AMANDA!!!!

Steve is covered in sweat and dirt and is panting heavy while his zinc heart works overtime, but he gets the coffin open.

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve picks up her skeleton and cradles it in his arms.

Steve: WHY ARE YOU ALREADY A PERFECT SKELETON!!?!?!?!

Steve hugs her tightly as bones start to break off.

Steve then cries into the skeleton's mouth.

Steve: COME BACK TO LIFE WITH MY TEARS!!!!

Audience: Why are we watching this?

Show two guys looking on in shock and horror.

Guy #2: I don't know, but I'm never taking this shortcut again!

Steve continues to cry and cry as Amanda's bones are now in ruins and he rolls around in the debris while screaming.

Guy #2: Ok why is he doing this?!??!!

Guy #1: LET'S GET THE smurf OUT OF HERE!!!

After Steve has finished completely desecrating his wife's grave site he receives a vision ...

Ghost of Amanda: Steve!!! For crying out loud you have to stop this!!! WHAT THE smurf!!!

Steve (overly excited): Amanda!!?!! Is that REALLY you?!?!

Amanda: Of course not ... you're just so desperate to see me that you're imagining some random tree is me.

Steve: What?

Random Tree: (silence)

Steve: smurf.

~~~

Steve spends the night thinking about what to do next...

Steve (new found determination): I guess Amanda would want me to live on ... I have been given more time on this earth for some reason ... maybe I should try to find my children, brother and cat!

Steve looks to the stars and smiles.

Steve: Maybe I should become a super hero again too! That may be why I'm not dead! I'm suppose to save the day somehow!

~~~~

Show a house on fire and a family crying.

Steve (off screen): Don't worry loyal fans ... I'll save the day!

Kid: Who the smurf are you???

Show Steve in his elderly form wearing only underwear, heavy boots and one boxing glove.

Steve: Who am I? I'm BACK! That's who!

Kid: What???

Steve goes into the fiery house to attempt to put it out ... using his boots and boxing glove?

~~~

Later ...

Steve wakes up in the hospital covered in bandages.

Steve: ... *cough* ... how did it go?

Doctor Brown: 400 people died.

Steve: What???

Doctor Brown: ... in another fire while they were rescuing you from that small fire.

Steve: Oh ... oh well, I'll get em next time.

Doctor Brown: No you won't. Maybe you should just go into a retirement home already where the only people you can hurt are those who are just as near death as you are.

Steve: Did anyone ever tell you that your bedside manner sucks bottom!!!