Chapter 162 --> The Retirement Home

[Clarence]

We see a car pull up to a large, crappy looking building. Dr. Brown and an elderly Steve are in this car. This building looks really run down and is a crappy shade of brown mixed with despair.

Steve: THIS is the best retirement home in Dave Town?

Dr. Brown: Yes, all of the retirement homes suck nowadays but this one sucks the least.

Steve looks at the sign which reads "Brittlecliff Retirement Home".

Steve: ... I don't wanna live here.

Dr. Brown: Well you could always live on the streets.

Steve: Wait a minute... why don't I go back to my mansion?

Dr. Brown: It was sold off.

Steve: Well aren't I still rich?

Dr. Brown: This is America ... the hospital took pretty well all your money to let you sleep there for 20 years. Also your family used pretty much all the rest of the money.

Steve: smurf me.

Dr. Brown: Get out of the car now.

Steve gets out and is really sad and in disbelief at facing life in a retirement home.

Dr. Brown: Don't forget to take your heart and diabetes pills.

Steve: Do I still need the syringes?

Dr. Brown: Just pills.

Steve: So are we friends now?

Dr. Brown speeds off super fast kicking up serious dust and smoke which causes Steve to start coughing violently.

Steve: Oh no ... smoke ... my arch nemesis!

Steve passes out and the smoke clears as workers from the retirement home approach.

Worker #1: Another drop off.

Worker #2: I'll get the trolly.

The workers crudely pick up Steve's 70 year old body and toss him into a large garbage bin on wheels looking thing and wheel him inside...

~~~~

Steve wakes up in a really shitty looking room and sits up...

Steve: Will the nightmare of my life ever end???

Voice off screen: I was thinking the same thing.

Steve looks over to see a man who resembles Morgan Freeman.

Steve: MORGAN FREEMAN!!!!

Guy: Damn it, will people ever stop thinking all black men look alike!?!

Steve: Sorry Mr. Freeman.

Guy (standing up): That's it ... I haven't boxed in years but I'm ready to knock you out!

Steve: You used to be a boxer?

Guy: Best in my weight class!

Steve: That's cool man, I can relate, I used to be a super hero!

Guy: Great ... another senile bastard room mate.

Steve: But ... I did used to be a hero! Surely you heard of the legacy of Steroids Man!

Guy: You mean Steroids Girl?

Steve: That's my daughter!!!

Guy: Sure she is. And my daughter is the president of the country, that's why I'm living in a shazam! hole like this.

Steve: ... I really hate this place.

Guy: Me too, but we're stuck here.

Steve: You're kind of a downer man ... maybe you should get out of my room.

Guy: This is our room, guy, you're my unfortunate new room mate ...

Steve: I have a name you know, it's Steve.

Guy: What ever.

Steve stands up and approaches this other old man.

Steve: Listen ... I know we got off to a bad start just now, but if we're living together we might as well make the best of it.

Steve offers his hand for a hand shake and asks for the name.

Guy: The name's Vorthon.

Steve: VORTHON!!?!? ARE YOU smurf SERIOUS???

Vorthon: Yes ...

Steve: That is the COOLEST name ever! Oh shazam! if I knew of that name I would have named all my kids and pets Vorthon!

Vorthon: ... I hate the name. It's clearly not a black person's name, but I was abandoned as a baby and raised by people from Thailand who named me this.

Steve: You were abandoned?? So was I man! Let me tell you my life story!

Vorthon: No.

Steve: I'm hungry, where's the kitchen?

Vorthon: I'll show you.

Vorthon smiles and leads the way. They head down the halls and Steve looks at the miserable state of this place.

Steve: Wow ... why is this place so trashy?

Vorthon: The owner is cheap and evil.

Steve (interested): Evil?

Suddenly two scary looking old ladies pop out from the shadows.

Steve: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *cough* *cough* *choke* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *spit* *wheeze* *cough* *cough*

Vorthon: Stop screaming, fool!

Steve: Sorry ... I used to be able to scream better and longer without coughing when I was younger!

Scary Old Lady #1: Are you new here?

Steve: Yes....

The old ladies swarm Steve and pin him against the wall.

Lady 1: GET OUT OF HERE WHILE YOU CAN!!!

Lady 2: YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!!!

Lady 1: THEY ARE GOING TO TORTURE YOU LIKE THEY TORTURE US!!!

Lady 2: THIS IS HELL!!!!!!!

Steve is now sitting on the floor and is very pale and is clutching his zinc heart and blowing snot bubbles in fear.

Vorthon: Ok girls, you got the new guy. Good job, but we need to get to the cafeteria.

Steve: They were just ... *wheeze* ... *couch* ... smurf around with me?!?!?

One of the old ladies bends down and gives Steve a piece of paper with a note on it.

Lady 1: Call me .....

She interrupts herself by accidentally letting her dentures fall on Steve while she bends over but quickly puts them back in.

Lady 1: Call me some time.

The ladies walk away leaving Steve in shock and horror.

Steve: That was more horrifying than my coma nightmares...

Vorthon: You were in a coma too? I was in one for 6 months! Missed a lot of stuff.

Steve: ... mine was 20 years.

Vorthon: ... you just had to outdo me didn't you?

Steve: I'm surprised we have so much in common!

Vorthon: Me too. Now let's get your sorry bottom off the floor and eat already!

Vorthon reaches out to help Steve up and they both smile. Vorthon is unable to lift Steve however and they both crash to the ground.

Vorthon: .... nurse!

~~~

Steve dines with Vorthon in the run down eating area.

Steve: This place is so boring ... even the food is boring.

Vorthon: Do you think you're at a 5 star hotel or somethin? Get used to it, this is your life now.

Steve: I don't know if I can get used to this ... what do you guys do for fun around here?

Vorthon: There's a petting zoo over there.

Steve looks out the window to see the petting zoo ... is just 4 animals, an elderly cow, elderly pig, elderly goat and another even more elderly goat.

Steve: weak...

They continue to eat and get lost in the chatter of all the old people. Suddenly some characters enter the room and the chatter stops!

We see a most sinister looking elderly man in a cape. We also see a younger man in a business suit with similar, but younger features, minus the sinister look. Also two workers in uniform and two other evil looking old men.

Steve (talking so only Vorthon can hear): Who the smurf are those guys?

Vorthon: That's the evil guy who owns this place, his name is Mr. Sandwich.

Steve (loudly): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *cough* *choke*

The evil retirement home owner and his men look over. Mr. Sandwich looks particularly annoyed.

Vorthon: Stop laughing or he'll come after us.

Steve: Are you scared of this guy?

Vorthon: I just want to make my retirement as peaceful as possible.

Steve: Not me, I could use some action. I'm bored as hell! Who are the other guys over there?

Vorthon: The younger guy in the suit is Mr Sandwich's son. He's a spineless piece of crap and is just waiting to inherit this place. The other two evil looking older guys are Mr. Sandwich's colleagues.

Steve: Damn, I want a sandwich now.

Vorthon: Me too actually.

Back to Mr. Sandwich and his men observing the eating area....

Mr. Sandwich's son (Sandwich JR): I have to go to the bathroom, Pops. Be right back.

Sandwich JR leaves the room while the evil Mr. Sandwich consults with his two elderly colleagues.

Mr. Sandwich: This place is bleeding money and needs to stop.

Elderly Colleague #1: It's the pills and prescriptions we distribute ... it's getting way too expensive.

Employee #1: But they need those medications and us to hand them out....

Mr. Sandwich: I don't pay you to think, do I?

Employee #1: No sir... (whispers) ... damn this city and it's very hard to find jobs...

Mr. Sandwich: So it's agreed then. We'll take their pills.

Both the evil elderly colleagues agree.

Mr. Sandwich (to workers): Get the pills back.

Employee #2: ...but we just handed them out.

Mr. Sandwich: Don't defy me or you'll be out of a job, got it?

The employees begin walking around taking all the pills back as everyone gets upset and the sound of voices get louder.

Steve: What's going on here?

Vorthon: Do you need any pills?

Steve: Yes!

Vorthon: So do I but ... it's just gonna to be easier stay out of this one. I'm not sure I believe in pills anyway.

Steve: But this isn't right!

Steve stands up and pushes his chair way back.

Steve: Hey, Mr. Sandwich! Give those people their pills back!!!

Mr. Sandwich looks over at Steve with an evil glare and as does his elderly colleagues.

Steve: *pant* *pant* I need to sit back down.

Steve sits back down in the chair which is now facing Mr. Sandwich across the room.

Steve: I'm still confronting you on this though, just my legs are tired!

Mr. Sandwich (to colleagues): Who is this man?

Elderly Colleague #1: I think he's new...

Steve: Hey! I'm talking over here! Or do you not know who you're dealing with? It's ME, the former super hero, Steroids Man!!!

*awkward silence*

Steve: Remember? I saved the world a bunch of times ....

*nothing*

Steve: smurf IT, JUST GIVE THEM THE PILLS BACK AND STOP BEING A princess sophia!!!!

The other elderly residents begin to clap and cheer and shout out to get the pills back.

Mr. Sandwich: Fine, you can have your pills back, but something else will be cut from the budget ... and I'll make sure everyone suffers over this!

Mr. Sandwich swirls his cape around and leaves the room with the elderly colleagues and joins up with his son.

Sandwich JR: Did I miss anything while in the bathroom?

Mr. Sandwich: Just saying hi to all the fine people living here.

As they leave the area we cut back to Steve and Vorthon.

Vorthon: Wow ... nobody ever stood up to him before.

Steve: Why not?

Vorthon: I guess we're all just too old and tired to fight anymore.

Steve: Don't worry buddy, I'll fight for all of you! This place just got a lot less boring for me!

~~~~

Show a door that says "Mr. Sandwich, Owner" and we then look inside a LARGE office that is eerie and has an evil tone to it.

We show Mr. Sandwich sitting on a large throne that is also very evil and his elderly colleagues in smaller thrones on opposite sides. Sandwich JR is here and picking up his briefcase.

Sandwich JR: Well, I got all your files in order and all the work done I needed today, think I'll be on my way home to see the wife and kids.

Mr. Sandwich: About time.

Sandwich JR: ... have a good one, Dad.

Sandwich JR leaves the room.

Mr. Sandwich: Now we can get down to business. That guy in the kitchen today who stood up to me ... he must be obliterated.

Elderly Colleague #1: Agreed. Shall we just kick him out?

Mr. Sandwich: No, my stupid son officially registered him and we are already in enough hot water for evicting people too frequently.

Elderly Colleague #2: Let's get Randolph from room 317 to assassinate him. He's always served us well.

Elderly Colleague #1: He died last week.

Elderly Colleague# 2: What? How?

Elderly Colleague #1: Choked on ketchup.

Elderly Colleague #2: Oh...

Mr. Sandwich: I want this guy to suffer. I want him to pay for what he's done .... let's send .... THE RUSSIAN!

Dramatic music plays and the evil colleagues look at each other with concern.

Elderly Colleague #1: Are you sure that's needed?

Mr. Sandwich: Make it happen.

Elderly Colleague #1: Will do.

Elderly Colleague #2: Ok, next item ... if we're not cutting pills then where will we save money now?

Mr. Sandwich: Take breakfast away from everybody.

Elderly Colleague #1: Except us of course.

Mr. Sandwich: Of course!

They all laugh an evil laugh and take small cups of medication.

~~~

Steve is in the room looking at a modern laptop while Vorthon is out scoring chicks.

Steve: Wow... the internet is just completely porn now...

Steve looks down at his pants sadly.

Steve: WAKE UP DOWN THERE!!! REMEMBER PORN!!!

Worker: Ok ... I'm done cleaning the room now ... bye for now Mr. Mann....

Steve (with his hands down pants): Later.

Suddenly a message comes up on the screen: "Incoming call from Steroids Girl"

Steve takes his hands out of his pants and scrambles to answer it.

Steve: Hello?

Steve stares at a black screen disappointingly.

Steve: Oh ... I wanted to talk to my daughter.

Voice: Daddy? Wow ... you really did come out of the coma! I can't believe how old you look now.

Steve: You can see me?

Samantha: Yes, there's a webcam on your laptop!

Steve: Wow ... future technology is crazy!

Samantha: We had that technology 20 years ago too...

Steve: How come I can't see you? I really want to see what you look like!

Samantha: I ummmm .... got a little angry and smashed my screen and broke the webcam too.

Steve: Oh ....

Samantha: Oopsie daisy I guess!

Steve: Anyway, how did u know I was here? Did Dr. Brown let you know? Maybe that guy isn't such a prick after all.

Samantha: He's not a prick at all, he filled in a lot for you as a father figure while you were sleeping for 20 years.

Steve: ...

Samantha: And I kept a Google alert for Steve Mann or Steroids Man and I got a notification that you were registered at Brittlecliff.

Steve: That's on the internet?

Samantha: Once you get past the porn you can find ANY information on the internet.

Steve: That's crazy! It's really great to get in contact with you again! I have so many questions!

Samantha: Oh for crying out smurf loud, another crime! I got to go for now, but hey, I'll be in town soon to visit you!

Steve: I can't wait!

The screen reads connection lost.

Steve: I'm so excited to see my baby girl again! I hope she's exactly like I remembered her!

Steve grabs a Root Beer from the fridge and goes into a fantasy. Imagining being with Samantha again and them running through a park holding hands and so very happy.

Steve: ... my little girl.

Steve's wonderful daydream is interrupted by the neighbour playing overly loud opera music.

Steve: Son of a jabberwocky! I hate old people!!!

Steve catches a glimpse of his wrinkly face in a mirror.

Steve: Oh yeah...

Suddenly there's a knock on the door.

Steve: I wonder who that is?

Steve opens a drawer under a table and places his Root Beet in it and then goes to the door. Steve opens the door and is slapped in the face by some random guy and takes a step back.

Steve: What the?

Steve looks to see a very old man who's big for an old man, or regular adult size. He has blonde hair and appears Russian and is wearing a White and Red stripped shirt.

Steve: Vorthon?

The Russian goes to throw another slap but Steve decides to slam the door on him, but the door is so cheap the Russian's hand goes right through it and gets stuck.

The Russian throws a slap with his free arm and Steve dodges and throws some punches to the Russian's stomach.

The Russian back hands Steve and he falls to the floor! The Russian then enters the room while Steve crawls away and attempts to get up, but the Russian knocks him down again.

The Russian then tries to grab Steve's back to pick him up and Steve stumbles away and grabs on to a random large wire hanging from the ceiling of the very run down room. Steve swings on the wire and throws a crappy kick at the Russian which sends him back a few steps.

The Russian begins to approach again and Steve finds a plastic butter knife on another table. Steve tries to be fancy and swings the plastic knife around. The Russian is now very close and Steve stabs him in his left shoulder with the knife!

Because the Russian is very old and weak, the plastic knife gets stuck in him deep! Steve is surprised as the Russian does not seem to be in pain and then grabs Steve's wrist which is still holding the knife! The Russian pulls Steve's hand and the knife out of his shoulder and slams Steve into a wall!

The Russian then begins to stab Steve with the plastic knife in the same spot he was stabbed earlier!

Steve: SON OF A jabberwocky!!!!

Steve grabs a phone book from a near by shelf and smacks the Russian in the head and he backs off!

Steve then grabs a broom and swings it wildly at the Russian! The Russian grabs it and they swing around and Steve goes flying into the bathroom!

Steve: *pant* ... this is the hardest fight of my life ...

Steve crawls around in the bathroom as the Russian approaches! Steve sees a large, old, hardened piece of poop and takes it and throws it at the Russian! The Russian takes the broom and bats the poop back into the bathroom! Steve quickly jumps into the bathtub to protect himself as the poop hits the bathroom floor and explodes sending shrapnel all over!

Steve crawls out of the bathtub and the Russian pushes him into a wall. The Russian then grabs a plunger and smacks Steve with it and he goes flying through another wall, which are very weak apparently.

The fight then goes into the kitchen and the Russian slams the fridge door in Steve's face multiple times. Steve then sits on the floor and grabs a water gun that he found out of a drawer. The Russian finds a 2 pound weight and smashes the water gun and flattens it. Steve just sits there looking at the broken water gun.

Steve: Oh..... I'm really tired now...

The Russian pushes Steve through more walls until he ends up on a kitchen table in some other apartment, the one playing the loud music.

Steve: While I'm here... SHUT OFF THAT smurf MUSIC!!!!

Old Lady: ... what?

The Russian is now choking Steve while he's pinned to the kitchen table. Steve frantically grabs for anything he can reach while being choked and he finds a pot on the Stove.

Steve: Yes!

Steve throws the freezing cold water in the Russian's face! The old lady forgot to turn on the stove after pouring cold tap water in there...

The Russian screams in agony as the water is quite cold!

Steve takes this moment of opportunity to charge at the Russian and tackle him like a football player. They both go flying down a flight of three individual steps.

Vorthon runs (walks slightly faster than usual) into the scene and looks down at the injured men.

Vorthon: Are you ok, pal???

Steve gets up and looks down at the Russian who has two broken hips and a destroyed face.

Steve: Yeah ... I'm OK ... but he isn't.

Vorthon: Damn, what happened???

Steve: I think I'm gonna like it here ....

Steve suddenly passes out and lands on his back ... and then farts a lot.