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How to cook a steak
Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:16 am
by Clarence
Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shazam!, just get a smurf steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shazam! on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that smurf will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all smurf—it should scorch the shazam! out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the smurf steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND smurf BUTTER, balloon knot. This is steak, all you smurf need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shazam! over and do the same smurf thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your bottom and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shazam! on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some smurf potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a smurf steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shazam! out of you.
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 2:43 am
by Moe
10/10, would read again.
*EDIT*
Read it again, still 10/10
**EDIT**
My brother marinades the shazam! out of his steak, and I wish he didn't I almost don't like steak when he makes it. Also, why a pan, and not a grill? Is that a Canadian thing? Do they not grill steak in Canadia_Land?
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 5:09 am
by Wesley
This was copy/pasted from a different website, but I can answer the pan question....
A stout pan, such as a cast-iron pan, retains heat even after slapping half a pound of cold meat on it. In this way it can evenly cook the aforementioned slab of meat with minimal moisture loss and reduce the likelihood of burnt, over done, dried out steak.
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 1:30 am
by LaLou
There goes my illusion that Canadians were the most polite people in the world.
This is just the way I cook my steaks.
Without the swearing and name calling.
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:00 pm
by Moe
LaLou wrote:There goes my illusion that Canadians were the most polite people in the world.
This is just the way I cook my steaks.
Without the swearing and name calling.
Maybe you should try adding the swearing in name calling, it might make the steak tatse even more delicious
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:23 pm
by Clarence
Next week I'm going to tell you guys how to make pork chops.
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2015 9:31 am
by Moe
Does it involve a delicious peach cobbler as a desert? Or is it at least served with Applesauce?
Re: How to cook a steak
Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2015 10:27 pm
by LaLou
Applesauce is overrated. Unless it's homemade.