Chapter 168 --> The New Species

[Clarence]

Show Brittlecliff and Mr. Sandwich's office. Mr. Sandwich and his 4 evil colleagues try to figure out who could attempt to kill Steve next.

Mr. Sandwich: So do we have anyone else left to do the job?

The 4 evil colleagues think really hard.

Sandwich JR: What job, Father?

Mr. Sandwich: Oh just some stupid job, don't worry about it.

Sandwich JR: Alright, I'll keep working away over here....

Mr. Sandwich: So ... anyone?

Evil Colleague #3: I think we ran out of people!

Evil Colleague #2: Yeah, we've already asked everyone and their dog to do it and they failed....

Mr. Sandwich: There must be SOMEBODY left! Seriously!

Suddenly a small, flat robotic vacuum comes in with a red light and stops before Mr. Sandwich and his men.

*awkward silence*

Mr. Sandwich: What's going on?

Evil Colleague #4: Is it me? Or is that random vacuum volunteering for the job?

The vacuum cleans the floor in just a way to leave a message ....

Clean Floor message: YES

Mr. Sandwich: Are we senile now?

Evil Colleague #1: I think so!

The robot vacuum leaves and Sandwich JR takes some Prozac.

~~~

Steve is in the kitchen finishing his lunch with Vorthon.

Steve: Well, what do you say we go back to our room and watch some shows?

Vorthon: I like it!

Meanwhile in the hallway leading to their room, the robotic vacuum comes by and goes up to a large and heavy storage cabinet thing. This cabinet is held up by 4 little legs. The robot vacuum rams into one of the legs, again and again! Now one of the legs is bent in slightly and the cabinet is very unstable!

Steve and Vorthon are headed to their room and are about to pass this cabinet. The robot vacuum gets ready to ram the weakened leg one more time...

Vorthon has his arm around Steve and they are laughing.

Vorthon: You are damn funny today, let me tell you!

As they pass by the cabinet, the robot vacuum rams into the leg causing the cabinet to fall towards them!

Vorthon: Look out!!!

Vorthon grabs Steve and jumps out of harms way just as the cabinet collapses! Dust flies all over!

Vorthon and Steve cough.

Vorthon: Damn, this place is falling apart!

Steve: Vorthon ... you saved my life!

Vorthon: I'm sure you would do the same for me!

Steve: I would surely try but hopefully not fail!

(foreshadowing)

Steve and Vorthon head to their room while the evil vacuum emerges from the dust cloud with an evil glow on it's red light area.

~~~

Steve and Vorthon watch all sorts of random clips of things, sort of like Youtube. That's when they see it...

Video: Some of you may remember Man-Cat, the internet sensation of the mid 2010s, but where is he now?

Steve and Vorthon see clips of a large orange cat walking around and doing tricks and etc.

Steve: I don't believe it! It's Max! I told you he was real!!

Vorthon: I don't remember ever hearing about this! But then again there's so much crap you can watch I can't keep track of it all....

Video: Man-Cat entertained lots of people with his wacky videos and strange appearance. A mystery indeed that science couldn't figure out, but one that companies couldn't stop throwing money at to be in commercials!

Show a bunch of clips from all the crap Max has advertised throughout the years.

Steve: Damn ... Max sold out.

Video: Max has recently married his second wife, super model Carmella Weber and they live in this fantastic beach-side mansion! I guess those commercials really paid off.

Vorthon: Well... always nice to hear that a cat has had more success than me...

Steve: Super model wife???

Vorthon: Beach front mansion....

Steve: I need to be reunited with my beloved pet! Use your internet magic and help me get in touch with him again!

Vorthon: Alright, Vorthon to the rescue again!

After some quick research, Steve gets into contact with Max. They have a quick, audio only call.

Steve: Max, is that you?

Max: Yes, but as I said before, I'm retired and don't do commercials no more.

Steve: No, max ... it's me .... Steve!

Max: STEVE!?!?!?!

Steve: Yes! MAX!!!!

Max: STEVE!!!!!!!!

Steve: MAXY!!!!!

Max: MEOW MEOW!!!!

Steve: WHO'S A GOOD KITTY?!?!

Max: ME MEOW MEOW!!!!

Steve: OH MAXY!!!!!

Max: STEVE!!!!!

Vorthon: Ok, this is in no way a conversation!

Steve: Sorry. I want to see you again, buddy!

Max: I'll send a limousine to get you!

Steve: Sweet!

~~~

Steve waits for his limousine at the entrance to Brittlecliff at the front doors. It's slightly raining so he's inside and looking out. From the next floor there is a balcony which looks over the entrance. On this balcony there are some posts missing from the railing. From here an evil robotic vacuum looks down at Steve.

Steve: Where is that limousine already?

Suddenly the vacuum backs up and the speeds forward off the balcony and lands on Steve's back, knocking him over!

Steve: OUCH!!! What the hell!?!?!!

The small flat vacuum pins Steve down and is on his back trying to vacuum his shirt off!

Steve: Oh no you don't!

Steve rolls around and manages to get out from under the vacuum. He then picks up the vacuum and struggles to move it to the trash bin.

Steve: This is something I should have done a long time ago!!

The little robotic vacuum's red light blinks frantically but it's too late, Steve drops him in the garbage bin!

Steve: smurf I hate vacuums now!

Suddenly the limousine arrives and Steve gets in. Steve waves goodbye to Vorthon through the upper window and leaves.

Vorthon: Alright. Place to myself!

Vorthon sits down and begins to watch shows.

Vorthon: Hmmm... I'm bored.

Suddenly a school bus arrives at the front of Brittlecliff. Mr. Sandwich takes notice of this and looks out his office window confused.

Mr. Sandwich: What the hell is that bus doing here? This is a no kids building!

Mr. Sandwich lights up a cigarette and is very annoyed.

Suddenly all these very young school kids come running out and into the nursing home!

Mr. Sandwich: What? NOOOO!!!!!

As all the kids are entering Brittlecliff , Mr. Hamburger comes out of the bus and removes a hospital mask.

Mr. Hamburger: Yes kids go! Hug and kiss as many people as you can in there and you will all get presents!

Mr. Hamburger laughs and laughs and flips off Mr. Sandwich from the ground to the window. Mr. Sandwich quickly runs to his desk to press a panic button.

Kids take over Brittlecliff and cough and hug and touch EVERYTHING and spread germs all over!

As Vorthon watches TV some runny nosed kid barges in and hugs Vorthon and coughs in his mouth!

Vorthon: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Hamburger laughs and laughs as screams of terror are heard all over Brittlecliff and Mr. Hamburger gets back in the bus and leaves.

~~~

Steve and his limousine pull up to Max's mansion about 7 or 8 stories and Steve gets out of the vehicle.

Steve: Yo homes, smell ya later!

Steve gets to the door and is greeted by a stunning super model.

Steve: Hello there... you must be....

Super Model: I'm Carmella and you must be ....

Steve: I'm Steve.

Carmella: ...some homeless old guy. Sorry, we don't have anything to give out today!

Steve: I'm here to see Max!!

Max (in distance): Let him in!

Steve and Carmella come in and into the living room to see Max on the couch. Steve notices all sorts of expensive things in the mansion and then sees Max...

Steve: Whoa.....

Max is very fat and VERY old looking. He now has gray fur and looks very tired and quite aged.

Max: Damn, you got old!

Steve: I got old!?!? Look in the mirror man, you're a big gray dust cloud!

Steve looks over at Carmella, the super model who has flawless beauty.

Steve: Ok, why are you married to him?

Carmella: Cause I love him silly!

Carmella goes over to Max and they kiss. By kiss, I mean they lick each other in the face and Carmella coughs up a fur ball.

Carmella: Ok, I'm gonna go admire myself in the mirror, you boys have fun.

Carmella does a sexy walk out of the room and looks back and winks at Steve before vanishing.

Steve: Right....

Steve sits next to Max.

Steve: So .... what the hell is going on and how are you married to a 20 year old super model???

Max: Oh, her? It's funny really. I was lonely and suddenly this stray super model came to my door looking for a home and I took her in.

Steve: smurf off.

Max: No really. It was good timing too, my first wife just passed and I was very lonely.

Max takes out a picture of his first wife.

Max: Here she is, Mary Jo McGee. She was wonderful.

Steve: What happened to her?

Max: I guess she was playing on the street and *sob* .... was hit by a car!

Steve: ...

Max: Sorry, that was only a few weeks ago. Good thing I immediately met Carmella to help me get through it!

Steve: Sorry buddy. I know what it's like to lose a wife too ... after Amanda died...

Max: AMANDA IS DEAD?!?!?!

Steve: Sorry...

Max: I will never get to cuddle with her again?!?

Max gets very upset and has to take an asthma inhaler.

Steve: Calm down buddy, it will be ok!

Max: Can I ... can I lay on your lap like old times?

Steve: Sure.

Big fat and old max drops himself like a sack of shazam! on Steve's weak legs.

Steve: Oh shazam!!

Max: Yeah ... that's better ..... purrrrr

Steve tries to pet max but his gray fur just flies all over like a cloud of dust and Steve begins to cough violently.

Max: Sorry .. shedding a bit.

Steve: How are you still alive??? Seriously ... you should be over 40! And get off me!!!

Max gets off and sits back where he was.

Max: Well modern science I suppose ... also something about Cokima. When we were on that planet ... what ever turned me into a cat man also must have given me long life ... though I do feel like I am close to the end of it...

Steve: No.... don't say that!

Max: What can ya do?

Max looks out the window and up at the sky.

Max: Sometimes I miss Cokima.

Steve: Yeah, wasn't a bad little planet. I miss the unicorn meat.

Max: When the scientists were studying me and all that, I told them about it. They found it and are planning to get to it someday. It might become another Earth.

Steve: Wow... that's nuts!

Suddenly Steve hears something come into the room and looks over to see a different brand of robot vacuum cleaning the rug.

Steve: OH NO YOU DON'T!!!

Steve freaks out and grabs an expensive lamp and begins bashing the robot vacuum with it causing lots of damage!

Max: What are you doing?!?! The kids love to play with that vacuum!

Steve: Kids?

Suddenly a bunch of kids come into the room looking frantic and concerned.

Steve: What ... the ... smurf....

Steve sees a bunch of half human and half cat children looking around confused. These children are damn freaky in appearance and share both human and cat attributes that look nowhere near as appealing as you might think. A scary new species!

Steve: What are those?

Max: My children with my first wife ... meet Cuddles, Furball, Mittens, Spot and Pepsi.

Steve: Pepsi?

Max: Yeah... I got more money from naming him that...

The half breed cat/human kids all pile around Steve and lick him and do other weird things.

Max: Kids, meet your grandfather!

Steve: Oh, we're not related!

Max: Ok kids, maybe you should go play in your room. Me and Steve have much to catch up on.

The kids leave and Max and Steve talk some more.

Later Carmella comes out with some food.

Carmella: Hey guys. I made tacos for you both!

Steve: Ohhh!

Steve enjoys his taco and Max has to spit his out.

Steve: Are you ok?

Max: Carmella, baby? You put onions in this.

Carmella: Right. Eat up!

Max: I'm allergic to onions, remember?

Carmella: Oh ... how silly of me. Sorry baby!

Carmella leaves but looks disappointed.

Steve: What's going on?

Max: What do you mean?

Steve: It felt like she was trying to poison you.

Max: Oh Steve, you're silly.

They hang out for the rest of the day and Steve grows more and more suspicious of Carmella. Besides the obvious question of why a young hot super model is with an elderly cat monster .... she just acts weird and like she's up to something or hiding something. Steve is very distracted while he thinks about how Max's first wife died and the way Carmella entered his life.

Max: Are you OK Steve? You look like you're thinking way too hard or something.

Steve: It's getting late actually. I think I need to get home.

Max: You can spend the night here! We can sleep together just like we used too!

Carmella (entering the room): Yes, we can all sleep together, wouldn't that be fun? Our naked bodies pressed up against each other?

Steve (to Max): Would you be ok if I slept with your hot naked wife?

Max: I don't care. I would be in the bed too ... and I shed a lot and sometimes vomit....

Carmella: I think it's cute when you vomit.

Steve: I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!!!!!

~~~

Steve is outside Max's mansion waiting for his ride. While waiting he notices a hot pink car in the driveway with a large dent in the front of it.

Steve: Hmmm...

The limousine arrives and takes Steve back to Brittlecliff thanks to Max.

When Steve enters Brittlecliff he is greeted by two nurses in hospital masks.

Steve: What's going on here?

Nurse 1: A lot of colds and sicknesses have broken out so everyone who isn't sick is wearing a mask!

Steve: I want a mask!!

Steve makes it back to his shared room with Vorthon. Vorthon is in his bed and looks very ill. Steve keeps the mask on at all times.

Steve: Are you ok, buddy?

Vorthon: No ... damn kids...

Steve: What happened?

Vorthon: Kids ... all over...

Steve: Oh no ... you're delirious!

Vorthon: *moan*....

Steve: I need you to help me work the internet machine! I need to research my cat's new wife who I think is evil!

Vorthon: Figure it out yourself....

Steve: Oh....

Steve goes to the computer and begins his research.

Steve: I hope I can do this!

Steve researches and researches to see what he can find on this Carmella Weber...

~~~

Meanwhile in Mr. Sandwich's office. Mr. Sandwich and his 4 evil colleagues are all sitting in hospital beds instead of their usual thrones. Sandwich JR is rushing around to help the short staffed nursing home cope with this sudden onslaught of illnesses!

Sandwich JR (In hospital mask): I'll be back soon Dad! So much work to be done!

Sandwich JR leaves and the sickly Mr. Sandwich pulls out a remote which lowers a large, flat screen.

Suddenly Mr. Hamburger appears on the screen and is sitting on his throne at the rival nursing home, Grimm Valley. He pets his evil, elderly white cat and sits between his two evil colleagues.

Mr. Hamburger: Mr. Sandwich! You don't look well ... is everything ok?

Mr. Sandwich: How dare you unleash sick children into my nursing home!?

Mr. Hamburger: I thought a nice visit from kids would brighten up everyone's day over there!

Mr. Sandwich: You spread youth germs everywhere!! Where the hell did you even get those kids?!??!

Mr. Hamburger: I have my ways ....

##Flashback##

Show a teacher next to a school bus and a bunch of kids lined up.

Teacher: Ok everyone, field trip is over!

Suddenly Mr. Hamburger approaches.

Mr. Hamburger (acting): Excuse me miss ... I think my heart ... oh no!

Mr. Hamburger does a fake fall next to the teacher!

Teacher: Oh no!

The teacher and bus driver both check on Mr. Hamburger on the ground. Mr. Hamburger then uses pepper spray to spray the teacher and driver in the face and they run off screaming. Mr. Sandwich then puts on a hospital mask and gets inside the school bus.

Mr. Hamburger: Come with me kids if you never want to go to school again!

All the kids cheer and get on the bus!

##End Flashback##

Mr. Sandwich: You crossed the line this time! You'll pay dearly for what you've done to us!

Mr. Hamburger laughs a hearty laugh and pets his evil cat.

Mr. Hamburger: Feel better soon, friend!

The TV cuts to black and Mr. Sandwich looks very pissed.

Mr. Sandwich: I HATE THAT GUY!!!!

~~~

After many hours, it's now 2 AM and Steve has finished his online research and is shocked at his discoveries!

Steve: GASP!!!!

Vorthon is still sleeping and sick.

Steve: I said GASP!!!!

Vorthon turns over and is mad.

Vorthon: smurf off!

Steve: I need you to drive me to Max's place and fast! I've discovered something horrible about his wife and I need to talk about it!!!

Vorthon is snoring loudly.

Steve: Oh no ... I need to save Max ....

Steve looks over at Vorthon's car keys on the rack.

Steve: Sorry Vorthon, I need to borrow your car!

Vorthon hears none of this as he's in a deep sleep.

Steve uses the keys and steals Vorthon's car and is driving around with a random hobo he found as he's desperate to share his findings about Max's new wife.

Steve: Max's wife is evil!!!

Hobo: Are you serious?

Steve: Yes! She has been married many times and always to very rich men!

Hobo: That's suspicious!

Steve: Damn right! And you know what else? All those rich men have all died in mysterious accidents.

Hobo: And I bet she got a nice inheritance from each man right?

Steve: Exactly! She gets with wealthy men just to steal their money!

Hobo: That means...

Steve: Exactly! She's going to kill Max like the others and take his fortune!!!

Hobo: That witch!

Steve: She's a witch alright, I found out she's been doing this for decades....

Hobo: No way!

Steve: Way! She's apparently over 50 years old but somehow has the youthful appearance of a 20 year old!

Hobo: There's some shazam! going down alright!

Steve pulls over the car.

Steve: Ok, you can leave now, I'm done with you.

~~~

Steve proceeds alone to Max's wonderful beach front mansion and sneaks in through a large cat door.

Steve is now standing outside Max's room where he sleeps with Carmella.

Steve: Psssst....

Only Max reacts to this and looks over at Steve while Carmella continues to sleep.

Steve waves Max over to meet with him in the hallway. They then go to the living room where they can talk more freely.

Max: What's going on Steve?? It's the middle of the night!

Steve: We got to get you out of here!

Max: Why?

Steve: Your super hot wife is evil and is going to kill you and steal your monies!!!

Max: .... are you saying she's a gold digger??

Steve: Yes!!!

Max: No ... she loves me!

Steve: I'm sorry Max! She's after your stuff! It's only ever been about your stuff! We gotta get you out of here!

Carmella: Hello boys.

Carmella appears and is only wearing only a pink robe.

Max: Hey baby. You love me ... right?

Carmella: Of course I love you! I love your cute little mansion and your sexy bank account and your big commercial royalties!

Max: Whew, see Steve? She does love me!

Steve: She only listed things that involve money but not about you directly!

Max: Oh....

Carmella pulls out a gun and aims it at Max.

Carmella: Alright you got me. I want your money!

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Steve awkwardly stands in a cartoonish position that makes it appear like he's frozen in a running stance.

Max: Ummmm ... what are you doing?

Steve: I was thinking about running ahead of you to take the bullet ... but then I realized that I didn't want too...

BANG!!!!!

Carmella shoots Max in the heart and he collapses and Steve goes to check on him!

Steve: Max .... buddy! Are you ok?

Max: No .... *cough* ..... it hurts...

Steve (to Carmella): What have you done you MONSTER?!?!?

Carmella laughs.

Max: Steve ......

Steve: Yes Max?

Max: The kids ... take care of the kids.

Steve: But they're freaks.

Max: ...

Steve: I mean yes I will!

Steve cries.

Max: STEVE!!!

Steve: Max?

Max: Steve....

Steve: Maxy!!!!

Max: Oh Steve.....

Steve: *cry* Maxy Max!!!!!

Max: Stevie Steves!

Steve: Oh Maxy Maxeroo!!!!

(This goes on like this for a while)

Carmella: Ok, why is this still going on? I shot you in the heart!

Max: Actually, no you didn't. It hurts bad and I'm bleeding out ... but my cat heart is actually right here (points)

BANG!!!!

Steve: Nooo!!!! Max you've been shot again!

Max: Steve ..... the kids .... take care of the....

Steve: You said that already.

Max no longer responds.

Steve stands up and is very upset.

Steve: You killed my cat you beautiful Shay!!!

Carmella: It finally happened! All this stuff is mine now!

Carmella dances around with her gun while laughing while Steve looks on confused.

Carmella: This Chandelier is mine! This Arabian Rug is mine! This Infinity Gem is mine! This mansion and everything in it are mine, mine, MINE!!!

Steve: Hey idiot. You can't inherent his shazam! when you murder him!

Carmella: Nobody will ever know, will they?

Carmella aims the gun at Steve.

Carmella: Also, cats don't have rights. So since I'm his owner I would have gotten his stuff regardless.

Steve: Wait ... what? They why the whole charade and marrying him and all that???

Carmella: It's an OCD thing ... I have to do things in a certain way. Anyway, I'm going to kill you now.

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Carmella shoots her gun as Steve ducks and rolls around all elderly like. Carmella uses all her bullets.

After a few seconds Steve opens his eyes to see he hasn't been shot.

Steve: Seriously? I avoided those? I didn't think it was actually possible to move out of the way of bullets like that...

Carmella: What the smurf?

Steve takes a large picture of Max's children off the wall which is in a large glass and wooden frame.

Steve: I'm going to kill you with this picture before you can hurt another man!

Steve comes at Carmella and she thinks fast and removes her robe. Steve stops and looks at her nude body.

Carmella: Gaze at my glorious super model body. No man can resist this!

Steve: Ha! The jokes on you woman! My penis no longer works! I'm not aroused or distracted!

Carmella looks really mad and suddenly one of her nipples falls off....

Steve: Ummm .... did your nipple just ... fall off???

Carmella: Oh no.....

One of Carmella's ears falls off!

Steve: What is happening....

Carmella: It's too late.... I didn't get my next plastic surgery in time!!!

More pieces fall off Carmella!

Steve: What is this?!?!?

Carmella: *crying* I needed more money to keep myself young ... I'm not even real... I am just plastic surgeries!!!

Carmella completely falls apart and fills the floor with small pieces of plastic and silicone. All that remains of her are very small pieces which are scattered all over. Suddenly the half cat/human children enter the living room and play with the parts like cat toys and chase them around.

Steve just quietly leaves back out the large cat door and heads back to Vorthon's car and drives back to Brittlecliff.

Steve is very sad about the recent events.

Steve: 24 HOUR ICE CREAM STORE!?!?!?

Steve somehow stumbles upon a 24 hour ice cream store and parks the car to go inside.

Steve: Look at all the toppings I can have!!!

Steve gets the ice cream of his dreams and uses Vorthon's credit card to pay. Steve goes back outside licking his ice cream to see ....Vorthon's car rolling down the hill!

Steve: Oh crap!!!! I thought I put it in R for Remain there!!!!

Steve watches as the car goes down the hill and picks up speed and then off of a cliff and into a river and then explodes.

Steve: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Steve is freaking out!!!

Steve: What have I done?!?!

Steve looks at his keys and is very upset!

Steve: I gotta destroy the evidence!!!

Steve throws the car keys very far away and goes back into the ice cream store.

Steve: Can you call me a cab?

~~~

Cut to the city dump with Seagulls all over and lots of garbage.

Zoom in on a random garbage pile which begins to shake and something emerges from it.

We see the robot vacuum again and it's evil blinking red light!!