Jokes

[Naesme]

1) Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"




2) PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."



3) A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."




4) A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."





5) TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"





6) A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."





7) When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.




8) A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"


All credit to who deserves it =D

[bella]

There is already a joke section, please keep to that one.

[Clovvach]

5) TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

I love it when other people stereotype us Texans as cowboys or cowboy-like people. :)

No rly.

[Wesley]

There is already a joke thread. So I will derail this one by talking about food:

You know how sometimes the right cup of coffee is black as night and bitter as my ex wife? Yeah, I think I could go for a cup like that right about now.

[Shay]

[bella]

Something you want to tell us, Zot? And I'd like some chocolate cake right now.

[Wesley]

Here's the thing: BoGZ is a night owl. Well, he recently got a dayshift job. Ouch. So, being a cool brother, I brew him a pot of coffee the night before. Save him time, you know? When I get up, I turn it back on while I am stretching and eating breakfast, then I have the leftovers. Sometimes I turn it up too high and re-brew the coffee. Makes some seriously strong stuff! * Sip * AAAAHHHHH!!

[Clovvach]

I'd imagine.

[Shay]

Sounds awful.

[Wesley]

Speaking of Texas... How's it going there, Texas?

[Shay]

Lmao!

[Clovvach]

I saw that a really long time ago already... made me feel kinda creeped out...

[Moe]

u dont need to post this on 2(so far that ive seen) different topics

[Clovvach]

G4MER, the spambot does not read replies. QUIT WASTIN SPACE!