Chapter 65 --> The Curly Nose Hair

[Clarence]

Steroids Man is in the hospital .. looking weaker than ever and hooked to a heart machine and oxygen nose thing.

Phil is in his business suit visiting along with Doug who's wearing a kilt and nothing else.

On the small TV in his room there is a crazy preacher: "...Where will YOU be when The Rapture comes? You must be PREPARED to meet your maker! Your time on Earth is OVER! Sinners, stand aside, Saints be PRAISED!"

Steroids Man turns off the TV (weak voice) - Get me out of here.

Phil: Now we discussed this... you can't really leave the hospital... these machines are keeping you alive and prolonging your suffering.

Steroids Man: I'm going to be dead within the weak....

Doug: I was raised by bears.

Steroids Man: I'm not going to die in here.

Phil: I'm afraid you are....

Steroids Man: Get me out of here or else....

Phil: Or else what?

Steroids Man: You'll be out of the will!

Phil: ...

Steroids Man: ...

Phil: Alright... I'll see what I can do....

~~~~

Amanda and Ian are getting into it again at Amanda's house.

Amanda: I'm telling you, it was just a kiss, it didn't mean anything!

Ian: No, I saw you two kiss at the hospital, it meant SOMETHING!

Amanda: Ok, I'm going to level with you here, do you think you can handle it?

Ian: No.

Amanda: Yeah, I do have a thing for Steroids Man... but you have to remember he saved my life, something you've never done!

Ian: Oh....

Amanda: But listen... he's passing away, you know this, you're the one I'm going to be spending my life with...

Ian: I don't know what to say.....

Amanda: Well you were there for me when he left me, remember? You each have a piece of my heart! When Steroids Man dies it's going to be hard for me, but I said I would marry you and I do have feelings for you. Let's just get past this whole Steroids Man thing and then we can focus on us 100% , ok?

Ian: Ok.... as long as you still love me.

Amanda: *sigh* I do....

Ian: More than Steroids Man?

Amanda: Yes...

(Amanda doesn't love Ian at all more than Steroids Man... she just doesn't want to be alone when Steroids Man dies... it is very complicated.)

Ian and Amanda both go to their cars to say goodbye for a while.

Ian: Well I'll see ya next week, good luck with your police thing!

Amanda: Thanks!

Ian takes his car to work at the FBI thinking that Amanda is going on some kind of police related trip out of town when really she's going to visit Steroids Man.

~~~~~~

Outside the hospital.

Phil: *sigh* .... how can we get Steroids Man out of here?

Doug: What do you mean?

Phil: Well I don't think we can bribe all these hospital staff to get him out... I mean the Hippocratic oath thing... none of the doctors or nurses will let him leave in his condition.

Doug: You leave this to me, I got an idea!

Doug leaves.

Phil: Ok, we'll go with that, I'm going to get some food.

Phil leaves too.

~~~

People working at the hospital are hearing loud noises... like a motorcycle... we then cut to Doug in a black leather ensemble riding his motorcycle up the stairs! Attached to his motorcycle is a wagon that's bumping along.

Doug busts through the doors and speeds through the halls revving his motorcycle and dragging the wagon behind him.

Nurses and doctors are freaking out and running away when Doug makes his way into Steroids Man's room and takes him off his bed and ties him to the wagon. Also tied to the wagon along Steroids Man is some of the equipment used to keep him alive and also a nurse he kidnapped.

Steroids Man: What's going on here?

Doug: I'm busting you out!

Steroids Man: You're ... you're doing that for me?

Doug: Yes, just give me a raise or something.

Steroids Man: A raise, a raise for what?

Doug: I'm the janitor remember?

Steroids Man: Oh yeah....

Doug speeds off and bikes down the stairs with the wagon containing Steroids Man and somehow manages to get down the stairs without losing control of his bike and keeping Steroids Man tied to the wagon.

They speed off to the Steroids mansion....

~~~

Doug comes into the mansion wheeling Steroids Man in while still hooked to a heart monitor and oxygen tubes in his nose.

Phil: You did it... who is that?

Phil notices that Doug has a girl in a nurses uniform next to him, her wrist is tied to a rope that leads to Doug's wrist, and she also has duct tape over her mouth.

Doug: This is my Mom.

Phil: Right....

Doug and his kidnapped nurse leave the room.

Phil: So, Steroids Man, you made it home, are ya happy!

Steroids Man: Yes I am, I would rather die here than at that stupid hospital!

Suddenly Max the cat enters the room and jumps on Steroids Man's lap lovingly. Steroids Man struggles but Max won't leave the wheel chair and stays on his lap.

Steroids Man: What the hell I don't remember Max being so affectionate!

Phil: Yeah ummm.... I think that pets have a sense of knowing when someone is going to die... he's probably being extra friendly because he knows you're on your way out.

Steroids Man: No! I'm not dying just yet, get off me!

Steroids Man picks up Max and hurls him across the room only to have him running back into Steroids Man's lap.

Steroids Man: smurf!

Suddenly this old man enters the room in a motorized wheel chair.

Old Man: I messed my pants again!

Phil: Are you serious, I just cleaned you up!

Steroids Man: Who the hell is that?

Phil: That's my Grandfather... he's been living here for the last 2 weeks....

Steroids Man: What the hell, you never told me about this!

Phil: Well I didn't think you would be coming back!

Steroids Man: What the smurf!

Steroids Man suddenly looks at Phil's Grandfather and we zoom in to get a close up of a long curly hair sticking out of the middle-front of his nose.

Phil's Grandfather: I'll be in the changing room!

Phil's Grandfather wheels out of the room.

Steroids Man: What... what is with that nose hair?

Phil: I know... I've been trying to pull that out for a while now... but it's just impossible, he always catches me!

(Steroids Man not having much to do in the final days of his life decides to take on that challenge.)

Steroids Man: I'll get that nose hair pulled out, if it's the last thing I do!

Phil: Well... considering your current health position ... it will probably actually be the last thing you do.

Steroids Man gives Phil a dirty look and then sees Max the cat kneading and getting extra comfortable on his lap.

Steroids Man: smurf OFF CAT!!!

~~~

Amanda sneaks to the hospital behind Ian's back to visit Steroids Man.

Amanda goes into Steroids Man's room to see it empty and she screams.

A doctor comes running up to her.

Doctor: Are you ok?

Amanda: What... what happened to Steroids Man?

Doctor: Oh, I'm afraid he's gone.

Amanda: What?!!?!

Doctor: Yes, we lost him earlier today....

Amanda: He's dead! *crying*

Doctor: No, I never said that ... he's just gone.... we don't know where he went.

Amanda: So ... he's not gone as in dead... he's gone as in he left and is still alive?

Doctor: Well yeah.....

Amanda punches the doctor in the face and leaves.

~~~

Steroids Man wheels out of the bathroom and runs into Phil.

Phil: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! What the hell?

Steroids Man: What?

Phil: Why are you bald??

Steroids Man: I'm dying Phil, my heart is failing.

Phil: Why did you shave off your hair?

Steroids Man: Maybe I'm just THAT smurf bored!

Phil: Well my Grandfather is asleep, why don't you make good on your promise and pluck that nose hair out?

Steroids Man: Easily!

~

Steroids Man goes into the living-room and sneaks closer and closer to Phil's Grandfather.

Steroids Man reaches over and prepares to close his fingers over the nose hair to rip it off.

Steroids Man: This is easy, I don't know what Phil was talking about...

Suddenly Phil's Grandfather reaches over and grabs Steroids Man's arm.

Phil's Grandfather: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Steroids Man: Nothing.....

Phil's Grandfather: You're trying to rip my nose hair out, aren't you?

Steroids Man: No....

Phil's Grandfather: Leave Hernandez alone!!

Steroids Man: Hernandez?

Phil's Grandfather: That's what my nose hair is called!

Steroids Man: Alright fine.

Steroids Man tries to break free but Grandpa is holding on tight.

Phil's Grandfather: You're not going anywhere punk!

Phil's Grandfather starts to punch the shazam! out of Steroids Man with his free hand until Steroids Man falls out of his wheel chair.

Phil's Grandfather wheels over to the fireplace and takes a poker and begins to whip Steroids Man with it as Doug enters the room.

Steroids Man (To Doug): Oh crap, help me!!!!

Doug: Just one sec!

Doug leaves and comes back with a camcorder and begins to film this.

Steroids Man: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil's Grandfather is beating the shazam! out of Steroids Man with this fireplace poker when Phil enters the room and pulls the weapon away from Grandpa.

Phil: Stop it, go to your room!

Phil's Grandfather: Fine!

Phil's Grandfather leaves as Phil helps Steroids Man back into his wheel chair covered in blood.

Phil: Are you ok?

Phil sees that Steroids Man is upset.

Phil: Are you crying?

Steroids Man: *sob* ... your.... your Grandfather kicked my bottom...

(And for the first time Steroids Man really took his own death more seriously)

Steroids Man: This really is it huh? An old man just kicked my bottom...

Phil: You gotta take it easy.

Steroids Man: No.... if I have to die there's one thing I need to do first.

Steroids Man gets out of his wheelchair and heads towards the door.

Phil: Where are you going?

Steroids Man: I'm going to get Amanda! I want to spend my remaining days with her!

Steroids Man makes his way to his car and starts the engine as Phil stands next to the drivers side window.

Phil: Are you sure you're up for this?

Steroids Man: I need to see her one last time....

Phil: Good luck man, go get her!

Steroids Man: I will, nothing will stop me now!

Steroids Man speeds off and immediately hits a tree while still in his own yard... Phil walks over to the crash scene.

The car is completely destroyed and can't be driven anymore.

Phil: Are you ok?

Steroids Man: *crying* ... it's all over!

Suddenly Amanda's car rolls in and Amanda gets out and approaches Steroids Man.

Amanda: Steroids Man, are you ok!?

Steroids Man: Amanda... how did you figure out where I lived?

Amanda: Everyone knows where you live, it's all over the news that this place is for sale.

Steroids Man (To Phil): This place is for sale?!

Phil: Well yes.... seeing as how you're dying... there's no need for you to keep it right?

Steroids Man: Well smurf... I wish you at least told me.

Phil: Well you won't need this place when you're dead.... so what does it matter?

Steroids Man: Frig.

Amanda helps Steroids Man out of his mangled car.

Steroids Man: Amanda....

Amanda: Yes, Steroids Man?

Steroids Man: I got something to say to you.....

Amanda: I got something to say to you!

At the same time>>

>>Amanda: I want to be with you before you die!

>>Steroids Man: I want to spend my last days with you!

Steroids Man and Amanda hug and she puts him in her car.

Steroids Man waves to Phil and Doug.

Steroids Man: Goodbye everyone!

Amanda drives off with Steroids Man in her passenger seat just after Steroids Man tosses the cat off his lap. The cat chases the car for a bit before giving up.

Steroids Man: I'm so glad you came to me... I can die a happy man knowing I got to spend my last days with you!

Amanda: And I couldn't live with myself if I didn't!

Steroids Man: Where are we going?

Amanda: Where do you want to go?

Steroids Man: I remember when I lived with you... you talked about Niagara Falls... I never been there and neither have you....

Amanda: You remembered!

Steroids Man: And I'm still rich! Let's just do it!

Amanda: Oh, I love you!

Steroids Man: I love you too!

*#*#*#**#

We pan out to see a monitor which shows Amanda and Steroids Man in the car expressing their love for each other.... they're being watched remotely as there's cameras hidden in her car....

The monitor that's showing this is on a desk in an office at a secret FBI building...

Watching this video is of course Ian, he's drinking heavily and looks more disgruntled than usual.

Ian: You jabberwocky... of course you love him more than me.

Ian takes another huge drunk while watching Steroids Man and Amanda in the car.

Ian: I'll show you... you picked the wrong man! I'm not dying! I can get things done! I have power! Steroids Man isn't all that great.... stupid mansion.... I bet I would look better in that costume...

Ian picks up the phone and places a call.

Ian: I got a lead on the terrorists whereabouts....

Ian describes Amanda's vehicle and gives the license plate and what highway they're on.

Ian: Send everyone we got and capture them at all costs... dead or alive...

!!!

[Wesley]

Nice one, man. Ian is a douche!

I really want to see someone act out the motorcycle in the hospital! Towing a bed! With people strapped to it! Down some stairs!

[Clovvach]

Me too....

Hernandez... wow, and the preacher... double wow.
Let's just hope that Steroids Man and Amanda make it safely!

[Clarence]

Steroids Man is gonna die before he has a chance to die!

[chex]

Did you add in the rapture joke at the last minute, or was that a hilarious coincidence?

[Clarence]

What joke? This has been established a while ago.

[Wesley]

That's some pretty funny stuff you got there.

[Clovvach]

What joke?

No comments.

[Clarence]

Thanks to Zot for writing this in after I suggest we include it somewhere, and he stuck it right in the beginning - nice

[Wesley]

Clarence provides the diamonds, I polish them until they shine.

[Clarence]

Anyone have any thoughts to the upcoming finale? How will it all end? And zot, even though you know what happens you can tell us what you thought would happen,

[Wesley]

Nope. I already feel terrible that you may or may not have changed the ending just because of me. I am going to keep my guesses and opinions to myself, until after the episodes are published.

[Clarence]

I didn't change anything because of you

[Wesley]

Well, you threatened to do so.

[Clarence]

I only let you think you figured it out, so you couldn't figure ME out.

Turns out you were never right and I am the true champion.

[Clarence]

Checking out this line Zot threw in, great!

"Ian: I'll show you... you picked the wrong man! I'm not dying! I can get things done! I have power! Steroids Man isn't all that great.... stupid mansion.... I bet I would look better in that costume..."

Zot you rock