Good morning!

[Giana]

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Eff]

Good one

[Giana]

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

[Giana]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Clovvach]

OMG hilarious. Best excuse evaaaar!

[Princess Tee]

too cute

[Clarence]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.




Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'

[Giana]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

[sizz]

Someone showed me this joke on sickipedia (i don't usually go on it by the way, but i found this and thought it was quite funny)

"The other day i needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So i went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks".

After a short pause, I heard the voice again, "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly "Just having a quick shazam!, how about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say"."

[Clarence]

I love it!

[KecleonFan]

I read this one in a magazine:

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day," his doctor instructed. "Repeat this procedure for two weeks. You should have lost at least 5 pounds the next time I see you."

The next time he saw the Irishman, the doctor was shocked because he lost nearly 30 pounds.

"That's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded and said, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day."

"Because of the hunger?" the doctor asked.

"No," said the Irishman. "From the darn skipping!"

[Moe]

[sizz]

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

[Clovvach]

Oooooo Sizz and Pokemonguy are going to get warniiinnggs

[sizz]

pahahaha i actually did

[KecleonFan]

I haven't got one yet, but I'll keep my eye out.

[Shay]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Beany]

I'm not sure if you have it in America, so it might not work:

"My friend overdosed on indigestion pills the other day. I can't believe Gavi's gone." .

[Beany]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Wesley]

I drank an entire case of non-alcoholic beer last night.

I woke up this morning in a pool of fake vomit.