Good morning!

[Giana]

What do you say....we start over with the jokes i already posted,to rebuild this topic,or we go ahead with others?

[chex]

If you want to copy and paste some of them, you can. If not, that's okay too!

[Giana]

Ok,i am going to copy some of them.
This one was posted by Dowster:


A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.
Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.
Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.
He was hit with a frying pan.
Really?
Yeah he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms…

[Giana]

and this one by US:

two guys walk into a bar....

you think the second one would have seen it.

[Giana]

:In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head." :winky:

[Giana]

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name."


A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?" :winky:


A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
- "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
- "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy." :winky:

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" :winky:

[Giana]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:
-"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
-"What dear?" She asked gently.
-"I think you bring me bad luck." :winky:


Did you know: why do men prefer intelligent women?
- Opposites attract. :winky:


Two men talking:
-Ooo,my wife is an angel!
-Lucky you,mine is still alive! :winky:


A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
-"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
-"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
-"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, - "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" :winky:


It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said:
- "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
-"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" :winky:


When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"!
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals. :winky:


Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says,
"I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies,
"And how would you do that?"
The woman says
"Just wait and see" ,and she then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says:
"What are you doing?"
The woman replies,
"I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says,
"You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says,
"Where are you going?"
The man says,
"I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." :winky:


Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate.
St. Peter says,
-"OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man.
The first two guys say in unison,
-"How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says,
-"Tell them."
She says to the first two guys,
- "I lied!" :winky:

[Giana]

2 drunks coming out from a bar:
-i forgot to pee!
-it`s ok,i will show you how! :winky:


A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have s.e.x. with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about s.e.x.. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :winky:


Three nuns were talking. The first nun said,
-"I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines."
-"What did you do?" the second nun asked.
-"I threw them in the trash, of course."
-"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."
-"What did you do?" the first nun asked.
-"I poked holes in them."
-"Oh, crap!" said the third nun. :winky:


An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
-"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
- Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said,
-"Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down." :winky:


Man and woman talking;the woman say:
-listen,if you want me to marry you,you have to own a house,a car,and 40 inches p....
The man answers:
-now,you listen,i have a house and a car,but i am not cutting off my p....! :winky:


A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had s.e.x. with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have s.e.x. with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him,
- “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says,
- “So are we going to tell your husband or what?” :winky:

[Giana]

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear,
- “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”

He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says,
- “Here…paint my house.” :winky:


A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
-“Carmen,” she replied.
-That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation,
-“Who named you, your mother?”
-“No, I named myself, she answered.
-“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”
-“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked.
-“Beersex.” :winky:


Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said,
-“I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said,
-“I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great s.e.x., any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So the that’s what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said,
- “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
-“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
-“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
-“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!” :winky:


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”... “I don’t remember much after that!” :snicker:

[Giana]

"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas? An electric broom!" said the wife.

"Why?" asked the husband. "So she can get here faster?" :winky:


This one belongs to Forky:
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"


A doctor goes to a patient who was programed for an operation that day.
-How old are you?
-I will be 75 next month!
-Ooo,i like your optimism! :winky:


A blind man, with a seeing eye dog at his side, walks into his local grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who up until this point thought he had seen it all, thinks this is quite strange. So he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and asks,
- “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”
The blind man replies
-“No thanks. I’m just looking around.” :winky:


A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries,
- “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests,
- “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks,
- “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies,
-“I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!” :winky:


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded,
-“I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.”
To which the old farmer replied
-“This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer answered back,
- “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!”
The old farmer smiled and said,
- “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked,
-“What is the NC three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied.
-“Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, -“Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it’s my turn.”
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said,
- “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.” :winky:

[Giana]

A drunk man goes to a doctor with back pain,kidney pain,head pain...so on.
The doctor tells him:
-i can not put a correct diagnostic right now,i think is the alcohol.
-Ok,doc..i will come back when you`re sober then! :winky:


A very angry wife opening the door for his husband who was out drinking all night:
-i ques you have a very good reason coming home at 6 am?
-Yes,a have..a want breakfast! :winky:


Little ant was running through the woods,when suddenly it runs into lion king:
-where are you running little ant?
-havent you heard,there`s been a terrible accident!
-no,what happend?
-elephant collided with hippopotamus...it`s terrible!
-and where are you running so fast?
-i`m going to donate some blood! :winky:


Sam: - Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: - No, of course not.
Sam: -Good, because i didn't do my homewo


Reporter:
-Mr Bush,do you have profs that Irak has massive distruction weapons?
Mr Bush:
-Of course i do,i kept all the receipts! :winky:

[Giana]

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
* The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
* Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…” :winky:


The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.
-"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
-"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
-"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough." :winky:


Two men talking:
-My wife says is very healthy to eat fresh,uncooked food!
-Yea...mine hates cooking too! :winky:


A drunk man goes into a bar an orders:
-200 g vodka in 2 glasses.
Next day,comes the drunk man again:
-bartender,200g vodka in 2 glasses!
-why dont you ask them one of the time,you are alone!
-i have a friend gone to Irak who asked me to drink one for him,each time i have a drink.
-ooo,i understand...
After a couple of days the man comes again and orders:
-bartender,100g vodka!
-ooo,dont tell me your friend died?
-oo no,he is fine....i just quit drinking! :winky:


A taxi driver dies and goes up to Haven.St.Peter welcomes him and asks him:
-what is your name?
-i am Geo and i have been a taxi driver for 15 years!
-ok,there you go, and gives him a silk robe and a golden sceptre!
After the taxi driver comes a priest,St.Peter asks him
-what is your name?
-my name is John and i have been a priest for 25 years!
-ok, there you go, and gives him a flaxen robe and an wooden stick!
The priest gets angry and asks:
-how come you gave the taxi driver a golden sceptre and you gave me an wooden stick?
St.Peter tell him
-well,we juge here by efficiency :while you were preaching people were slipping,but when he was driving people were praying! :winky:


-John!
-Yes,Sir!
-Go outside and put water to flowers.
-But Sir,is raining outside!
-So what,you can use an umbrella! :winky:


2 managers were talking:
-how come your employees are so punctual every morning?
-well,that`s easy...i have 30 employees and only 20 parking spaces!

[Giana]

2 boiling eggs talking:
-look,i`m getting a crack!
-well,no use in telling me about it,i`m not hard yet!

[UnknownSoldier]

I love your freakin jokes... please dont stop

[Giana]

Horoscope:
Health:-the stars are smiling to you!
Money:-the stars begin to laugh real loud!
Romance:-he stars are laughing so hard,they nearly crap in their pants!

[Giana]

An old man goes to the doctor,who asks him:
-how is your heart,your lungs?
-they`re just fine.
-is there something that bothers you?
-yes,everytime i have tickle fight i hear whistles in my ears!
-how old are you?
-i am 83.
-at the age of 83,what do you expect to hear....applause!

[Giana]

Well,Clarence,i hope you like this:


A computer games player dies and goes to Hell.After a week,Satan calls God and asks:
-hey,God,what crazy lunatic you send me,he destroyed all the caldrons,killed all demons,runs through Hell and keeps yelling:*where is the exit to level 2!!*

[Giana]

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said...
"Well that's great, just great... some balloon knot's got my pen!"

[Giana]

John`s parents were in the mood for some action,but didn`t know what to do with the kid;so the father tells him:
-John,will you go on the balcony and tell us what is happening out there?
-Ok,says John:our down stairs neighbour just walked out with his dog to pee;
a cop is looking for something;
aunt Lili waked out with his new boyfriend;
Jane`s parents are making love ;
-How the hell do you know that?,asks his father,
-She is sitting all alone in the balcony,like i am!

[Giana]

A prisoner`s wife goes into an audience to the prison`s manager:
-Sir,i am here to ask you to give an easier task to my husband.
-But,Madame,he is sticking labels on bottles,i dont find that backbreaking!
-Son of a beach,he told me he was digging a tunnel...