A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
making out.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I
really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I
charge $20 for tickle fight."
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's
seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."
"Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you
are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." - Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing
that happens to everything else." - Ororo Munroe, X-Men
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT". On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His
princess sophia is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for tickle fight."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for tickle fight. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for tickle fight?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating.
She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing of his?" She asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.
He says "Those are his knots"
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his testicles and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barrack's door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have tickle fight in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?" she exclaimed.
"Honey! Let me explain!" he replied.
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!"
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to
like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say
Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away.
'That stupid jabberwocky was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her bottom with a
coat hanger
to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the
neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat bottom downstairs and threw her into the back
yard!'
Why would someone do THAT to their Mother In-Laws?
"Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you
are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." - Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing
that happens to everything else." - Ororo Munroe, X-Men
Baseball in heaven Two ninety year old Jewish men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you got do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news for you." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe.The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! But what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!"
The lieutenant towards his men:
-i need 2 men to come with me with the seeder!
Two of the men step forward and volunteer.
The lieutenant says to the others:
-rest of you come on foot!
Well,it's really funny in romanian,hope i translated right!
My brothers sergeant needed 2 volunteers, my brother rose his hand, and the sergeant said to "Go have Fun"
"Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you
are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." - Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing
that happens to everything else." - Ororo Munroe, X-Men
Two men on a bar,looking out the window at the pouring rain:
-this rain is good for the land,everything will come alive after this.
-oh man,dont scare me...i just buried my mother in law!
Scotish man dying:
-my dearest sons are you here?
-yes father,we are all here!
-my dearest wife,is she here?
-yes,my dear i am here!Everybody is here with you!
-so,if everbody is here with me ,why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?
hey giana! 
