A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free tickle fight," said the attendant.
"How do we enter ?" asked the Kentuckian.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free tickle fight."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said one Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if
the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if
you guess right. You win free tickle fight."
"2" said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and
try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."
An old man marries a young woman, and though they are deeply in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.
They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over his head and cheer you on.”
The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male cheerleader to wave a towel and cheer them on to reach orgasm. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off.
Willing to try anything, the husband suggest he and the strapping young cheerleader switch positions. The young stud goes to work while the old guys cheers him on, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.
The husband smiles proudly and says triumphantly, "You see, young fella? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
Drunk man into a bar:
-three coffee please!
-three?
-yes,one for me,one for you and one for your mother!
Next day,same thing,only this time the bartender cant control himself any more and punch the drunk man in the face.
The third day,the drunk man enters into the bar and orders 2 coffee.
-two coffee? for whom?
-one for me and one for your mother,cause you get ill tempered when you drink coffee!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a
great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy
for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here,
Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I
said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob.
I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She
couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the
end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are
you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday
I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I
have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last
one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin
over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I
have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my
boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the
last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's
either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the
worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my
brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
>
> > A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and
> > it discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
> > Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
> > doctor.
> > "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
> > The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was
> > local to your groin and there was very little internal damage so we were
> > able to remove all of the buckshot."
> > "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
> > "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot
> > damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to
> > have to refer you to my sister."
> > "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister
> > a plastic surgeon?"
> > "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston
> > Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers
> > so you don't piss in your eye
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies were
a
Fellow from Newfoundland , a fellow from Quebec , a little old Greek
lady and
a young blonde lady.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound
Of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a
bright
Red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have
groped
The blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde lady thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
grope me
In the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his
cheek..
The fellow from Quebec thinks: that fellow from Newfoundland must have
groped The blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The fellow from Newfoundland thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
just
so I Can smack the fellow from Quebec again.
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little
girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked
their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face,
and after a moment said..
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child ?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line ?
Why didn't ye call ?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer own sweet Mother thru ?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff ... Dad ... I became a prostitute ..."
"Ye what !! ?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot !
Sinner !
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad ... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a $5 million Savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex watch.
-
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside, plus a membership to the country club ...
(takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become ?" asked Dad.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
...and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
