Chapter 117 --> Hero Search

[Clarence]

&&&&This is by far the new longest episode... obliterating the previous record. Grab some popcorn and sit back and enjoy! Thanks to all my loyal fans!&&&&

There is a gathering at the cemetery, everyone is dressed up in funeral type/dark clothing.

Steve, Amanda, Dougette, the robot, Phil (on a computer), Mechanical Pencil Man and his wife Lucy (in a quill pen costume with large dark feathers), another guy who looks like he is wearing a uniform that resembles a giant yellow highlighter, Pen Woman and Eraser Boy (Pencil Man's wife and kid) and other mysterious characters.

Caleb the priest is saying words while standing in front of a wooden crate that is about to be lowered into the ground.

Caleb: We are gathered here today to lay rest to a true hero: Pencil Man. As we lower his earthly remains of .... human pencil shavings into the ground, let's pray.

The crate with Pencil Man's remains are lowered into the ground and everyone takes turns throwing pencils into the hole which will soon be filled with dirt.

~~~

After the funeral -- Steve, Dougette, Amanda, the robot and Phil in his hologram form are all in the living room looking bored.

Steve: So.... now what?

Amanda: We need a new hero.

Steve: Who the hell are we going to get?

Phil: I don't think we should "get" anybody, that's where we went wrong. We sought Pencil Man put... we should have the super heroes seek us out.

Steve: what do you mean?

Phil: We need to advertise that we are looking for a super hero to replace you, and have them try out.

Amanda: Like super hero auditions?

Phil: Exactly.

Steve: Great idea my wifey!

Phil: But that was my...

Steve: Go away now.

~~~~

At the mansion, a huge outdoor event is set up. There's tables with food, a Ferris wheel and other amusement park type rides and media and super heroes from all over. Catering companies and what-not have been hired to feed everyone and other people have been hired to run things as well.

There's a stage for heroes to go up and audition and 3 judges, Steve, Amanda and Phil. Phil is being projected by large outside projectors. They are all sitting in chairs facing the stage.

Steve: OK ... here we go.

Amanda: I feel really good about this!

Phil: I'm sure one of these eager heroes, who wanted this opportunity, will do great!

Steve: Let's get this show on the road.

(Many super heroes will audition, but I can't write them all because it would take too long. One of the super heroes seen in this episode will replace Pencil Man in the next episode as the new hero to usher in Steroids Man's retirement. Who is your pick?)



** Smoke Alarm Guy **

A shorter man walks on stage wearing a smoke alarm and dressed in white.

Phil: Hello there, I see you have a smoke alarm attached to your chest.

Smoke Alarm Guy: That's right, I detect fires!

Steve: So you fight fires as well?

Smoke Alarm Guy (confidently): No, but I detect them!

The judges (Steve, Amanda and Phil) just stare blankly.

Smoke Alarm Guy: Yeah, no fire is getting past me!

Smoke Alarm Guy takes out a pack of cigarettes, shakes the pack and a cigarette falls out into his palm, he lights it and begins to smoke it.

Smoke Alarm Guy (breathing the smoke in enjoyably): Yeah, that's where it's at. (big satisfied smile after exhaling)

Amanda: So ummm....

Suddenly the smoke detector in his chest begins to beep annoyingly.

Smoke Alarm Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FIRE!!!! FIRE!!! FIRE!!!!

Steve: That was your cigarette smoke!!!

Smoke Alarm Guy: SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!

Amanda: There's no fire and if there was you're suppose to fight the fire!

(smoke detector still going off and making the most annoying noises possible and getting louder)

Smoke Alarm Guy: I ONLY DETECT THE FIRE, I DON'T FIGHT IT!!! I'M SCARED TO DEATH OF FIRE!!!!! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!

Phil: YOU NEED TO TURN OFF THAT ALARM!!!

Smoke Alarm Guy: I DON'T KNOW HOW AND THAT NOISE SCARES THE shazam! OUT OF ME!!!!!

Steve: GET THE smurf OFF THE STAGE!!!!

Smoke Alarm Guy runs off the stage flailing his arms and disappears into the distance as the beeping noise grows faint.

Steve (looking at Amanda and Phil): I can just see what kind of day this is going to be....



** Laser Urine Guy **

A regular looking guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses is on the stage, looking very confident.

Steve: So, what do you do?

Laser Urine Guy: Let me show you.

Laser Urine Guy drinks a large, tall glass of water slowly as everyone looks on. He then proceeds to pull out another large glass of water. While Laser Urine Guy is drinking, Steve interrupts.

Steve: What are you....

Laser Urine Guy interrupts by pointing his index finger up while finishing the glass of water.

Laser Urine Guy: It's time.

Laser Urine Guy begins to unzip his pants in front of everyone.

Steve: STOP!!!! STOP!!!! NO!!!! NEXT!!!!



** Ultra Man **

Ultra Man comes on the stage and looks very disheveled, wearing his traditional super hero uniform except it's covered in dirt. Ultra Man looks pissed and has dark circles under his eyes.

Steve: Hello there, what's your name?

Ultra Man: Are you smurf serious?

Steve: You have to introduce yourself buddy.

Ultra Man: It's me!! Ultra Man!! Remember? I used to be the leader of the Council of Heroes before it disbanded! (lifts up hand) I have this ring that gives me super powers! REMEMBER?!?!

Steve: Maybe we should start off by having you tell us about yourself.

Ultra Man: DAMN IT!!! You know me!!!! I've been a super hero much longer than you! I should be the main hero of this town, not you! Why the hell are you more popular than ME??? YOU ARE NOTHING!!!! NOTHING!!!!

Steve: Hey, I saved the world many times, what have you ever done? I mean other than rolling around in a dirt field today?

Ultra Man: GO TO HELL!!!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU PIECE OF shazam!!!! NOW I'M GOING TO RUIN YOU!!

Ultra Man holds his ring hand out toward the judges table and suddenly a strong wind gust blows toward Steve, Amanda and Phil.

Amanda: What's happening?

Ultra Man: I'M GOING TO GET MY REVENGE!!!! FEEL THE POWER OF MY ULTRA WIND!!!

All over Steve's property the super heroes waiting to audition and eating food and enjoying rides are experiencing strong gusts of wind and things begin to blow around.

As the wind gusts coming from Ultra Man's extended arm and ring hand grow stronger, suddenly his ring flies off and is carried by the wind and blows off into the distance past the judges table. The winds suddenly stop and Ultra Man is suddenly very skinny.

Ultra Man: Damn it! My ring!!!!!

Ultra Man jumps off the stage to run after his ring and hunches over in pain after landing.

Ultra Man: Ouch!!! My hip and back....

Ultra Man limps away.

Steve: Well that guy sucked.



***Captain Villain and Juvenile Delinquent***

A Man in a cape and a toque that's pulled over his eyes, with eye holes cut out and a stubble, wearing dark clothes and a Slayer shirt and a teenager with pantyhose over his head and a knife.

The judges look on confused.

Amanda: And who are you exactly?

Captain Villain: I am Captain Villain, and this is my step son, Juvenile Delinquent.

Phil: ...and what are your powers?

Captain Villain: We have the power of theft!

Steve: Wha....

Juvenile Delinquent: I'll cut you!

Steve: I don't think you guys are the kind of heroes we're looking for.

Captain Villain: Of course we are! We are great heroes.

Phil: You seem more like villains.

Captain Villain: Of course not, we steal from the rich! ...

*pause*

Amanda: What do you do after you steal from the rich?

Captain Villain: Buy nice things for ourselves.

Phil: This is...

Juvenile Delinquent: Shut up or I'll slice your lips off!

Steve: I'm sorry, you guys aren't going to make the cut.

Captain Villain: Of course we are!

Steve: No. You are not. NEXT!

Captain Villain: Give us the job or I'm keeping this!

Captain Villain holds up Steve's wallet while on the stage, Steve feels his pants while at the judges table to see his wallet is indeed missing.

Steve: How the hell did you do that???

Captain Villain: A true hero always finds a way, right Juvenile Delinquent?

Juvenile Delinquent: I'll stab all of you!!!



***The Seer***

There is a heavy-set guy on stage who is dressed up rather strangely. He appears to be covered in a blanket and has feathers and bright jewelry on him and a large round hat with more feathers and jewelry. Golden sunglasses and a long goatee that's braided.

Steve: These just keep getting better and better.

The Seer: BEHOLD!!! I am the SEER!

Steve: Ok, and what do you do besides dress like an mental patient?

The Seer: I can see into the FUTURE!!!!

Phil: hmmm...

Steve: Ok then, what am I thinking right now?

The Seer: I can see into the FUTURE!!! I can not read minds!

Steve: Ok then, tell me what's going to happen in the FUTURE!!!

The Seer: I see us talking some more while I am on stage....

Steve: Wow.... then what happens?

The Seer: You pick ME to be your replacement hero! And I save the world many times over!!!

Steve: Oh really? That's what you see?

The Seer: YES!!! And if I SEE it, it MUST come to pass, for I can see ALL future events! NOTHING can take me by surprise!!!

Suddenly a beer bottle smacks The Seer in the head and shatters and he falls to his knees with blood coming out of his head.

The Seer: WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!

Steve has a big smile on his face and Amanda looks pissed.

Amanda: What the smurf Steve?

Steve: He's a fake.

The Seer: OWWW my TEMPLE!!!! I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING!

Steve opens another bottle of beer and drinks smiling.



****Weed Man****

There is a guy on the stage wearing a dark green costume with a light green marijuana leaf emblem on his chest. He is also wearing a green mask and seems really high.

Steve: And why should we hire you as my replacement hero?

Weed Man: Hey man....

Steve: Hey....

*pause*

Phil: ummmm.....

Weed Man: Do you know where I can score some weed?

Amanda: NEXT!!



****Thunder Bolt and Sparky****

Two heroes dressed up in red costumes with gold flames and masks.

Phil: And who are you guys?

Thunder Bolt: I AM THE GREAT THUNDERBOLT!!!

Thunder Bolt shoots crazy awesome beams of electricity into the air and puts on a show as the judges clap.

Amanda: Nice, and who's the other guy?

Thunder Bolt: Oh that guy, that's some guy that I work with.

Sparky goes to say hello but only gets out "hel..." before he's cut off by Thunder Bolt.

Thunder Bolt: Don't talk or you'll ruin this for us.

Steve: So why should we hire you? Keeping in mind that you're not getting paid.

Thunder Bolt - Because with us, you don't just get one super hero.... You get one superhero, plus another guy!

Sparky: ... Why didn't you just say you get two heroes?

Thunder Bolt: I didn't want to lie to the guy.

Sparky's eyes get big and water and his lip starts quivering.

Steve: Ok thanks, we'll think about it.

Thunder Bolt exits the stage while putting on a show with his electricity powers and Sparky follows and stops and faces the judges. Sparky makes tiny sparks with his hands.

Amanda: Aww that's cute.

Sparky hangs his head in shame and runs off.

Steve (drinks a beer): Well... so far they are probably the least terrible.



****Sammy SawBlade****

A hero with a saw-blade for an arm and a strong Brooklyn accent.

Sammy SawBlade: Hey guys, sup?

Amanda: Hey there, what's your powers?

Sammy SawBlade: It's it obvious, broad? I got a sawblade for a frikin arm here!

Steve: You really think I'm going to hire you when you talk to my wife like that?

Sammy SawBlade: I think the sawblade arm speaks for itself. I got the goods to do this job, boss.

Phil: Let's see the sawblade in action.

Sammy SawBlade: Give me the job and you'll get your show.

Steve: I think we should see it now.

Sammy SawBlade: I don't think I have to prove myself, ok?

Phil: Actually you do, that's what this is all about.

*pause*

Steve: WELL????

Sammy SawBlade: What?

Steve: Show us your smurf sawblade arm in action!!

Sammy SawBlade: smurf! I'm a fake, ok?

Sammy SawBlade takes the sawblade apparatus off and throws it on the ground.

Steve: So you got nothing then?

Sammy SawBlade: No!!! I didn't think yous guys would ask to see it goin!! This ruined everythin!!!

Steve: We are going to need so much more liquor before this day is out.



****The Red Phoenix****

Looks like a teenager on stage with a really awesome red shirt that has a golden phoenix on it. You know those shirts that are like silk or something?

Steve: And your powers?

The Red Phoenix: Doesn't the shirt speak for it all?

Amanda: No.

The Red Phoenix: Ok.

Amanda: What do you got???

The Red Phoenix: I just got this really awesome red shirt.

Amanda: So you don't have any powers?

The Red Phoenix: No....

Phil: So you just basically found a really nice red shirt and drove down here to audition for being a super hero?

The Red Phoenix: Well... my Mom drove me.

Amanda: What the smurf!

Steve: Calm down!

Amanda: GET OFF THE STAGE!!!!

As The Red Phoenix leaves the stage Amanda boos loudly.

Steve: I think we need a bathroom break.



~~~~~~

Steve goes to take a drink and enters his private bathroom in the mansion which is really fancy and has a urinal in it. As Steve is drinking and peeing in the urinal at the same time...

Ted: Hello.

Steve spits out his beer in shock and turns around while still peeing and Ted has to jump out of the way.

Ted: What the hell, you pissed on me!!!

Steve: What are you doing in my private bathroom, and who are you??? *takes a sip of beer*

Ted: You don't remember me? I'm a top level government agent in the super hero division..... I hired you to replace Ultra Man as our nations hero?

Steve: I'm too drunk and full of urine to wrap my head around this.

Ted comes closer and pokes his finger into Steve's chest.

Ted: Well wrap your head around THIS: I stuck my neck out there for you. After I had you replace Ultra Man, you didn't do shazam! and now you are retiring. I've been looked around, all these heroes are garbage. Find a good hero to replace you AND protect our country. Don't smurf this up, I'll be watching you!

Ted leaves the bathroom and also leaves Steve confused.

Steve: What the smurf just happened??



****Shotgun Harry****

A guy in a gray costume and mask and is packing some serious heat. Guns all over! Guns in holsters around his waist, on his boots, on his arms, shotguns on his back and etc etc.

Steve: What kind of powers do you have?

Shotgun Harry: No powers, only guns!

Amanda: Using guns isn't a power.

Shotgun Harry: Using A LOT of guns is.

Amanda: No... still not a power... just a crazy guy with guns.

Phil: Yeah, you do not look at all like a super hero should.

Shotgun Harry: It's not about appearance, it's about shooting first and asking questions later. In fact, some times I don't even ask any questions at all.

Steve: How good is your aim?

Shotgun Harry: See that oak tree behind the stage with the birds nest in it?

Phil: Yeah....

Shotgun Harry: I'm going to shoot it out from here.

Phil: But it's behind the stage... and there's a wall in the way...

Shotgun Harry: Watch this shazam!.

Shotgun Harry throws a hand gun in the air and as it's spinning around and moving off stage, Shotgun Harry grabs another gun and shoots at the air-born gun, this causes the air-born gun to fire and shoot the nest out of the tree.

*silence*

Steve: Ok, that was pretty smurf cool.

Shotgun Harry twirls his gun around in his finger and then stops it from spinning and blows the smoke away, he then begins to talk while moving the gun at the judges as Steve and Amanda jump out of their chairs and take cover behind the table.

Shotgun Harry: SO DO I GOT THE JOB!!!!




***Audition #43***

A man in an extremely convincing bear costume is on stage, walking around on all fours.

Steve: So I take it you have bear powers?

The bear wanders around the stage sniffing.

Steve: Ok, you can quit the bear act now, we have to ask you some questions.

The bear growls and bats at a hat someone left on stage.

Phil: Guys, I think this is an actual bear that wandered from the woods and made its way on stage.

Steve: No, that's what he wants us to think.

Amanda: It's actually a good idea, pretend to be a bear and watch and catch bad-guys in the act.

Suddenly the bear on the stage stands up on its hind legs and lets out a scream at the judges.

Amanda: Oh smurf no, that's a real bear!!

Steve: I'm not going to win a bear fight without my steroids!!

The next hero waiting to audition sees this opportunity to impress the judges and can't pass it up.

Suddenly a random hero wearing a bizarre blue and green stripped costume and wide brimmed hat runs up on stage and gets on the bear's back.

Random hero: Don't worry!!!! I'll save the day from this menace!!!

The random hero tries to choke out the bear but the bear reaches back and jabs his claws into the hero, then whipping him off his back and down onto the stage causing some damage. The bear mauls at the hero for a while until he gets bored and then runs off back into the woods.

Steve, Amanda and Phil are just in awe as they watch this random hero hero lay bleeding and injured on the stage.

Paramedics and ambulances have already been camped out all day in case something happens and they take the unknown hero off the stage in a stretcher. Afterwards, a crew of carpenters do quick repairs to the stage.

Steve: NEXT!!



****Bruce Baxter****

A medium sized man is on the stage wearing purple pants and a white lab-coat.

Bruce Baxter: Hey guys, how are you doing?

Amanda: We're doing good, how are you?

Bruce Baxter: Right now I'm fine. Trying to stay mellow.

Steve: What are your powers?

Bruce Baxter: Nothing right now ... unless I get angry.

Steve: What happens when you get angry?

Bruce Baxter: Oh, you don't want to see me when I'm angry.

Steve: Well get angry and show us.

Bruce Baxter: No.... it would be far too horrible. You really won't like me when I'm angry.

Steve: Then get the smurf off the stage!

Bruce Baxter: I.... but....

Steve: NEXT!

Bruce Baxter: No... not going to get angry... I will try again later.

Bruce Baxter calmly exits the stage.



****Dougette****

Steve: Oh come on Doug, you can't audition for this.

Dougette: Why not?

Steve: Because you're not a super hero! You're a janitor and a very bad one at that.

Dougette: Don't define me by my job, ok? I had MANY interesting professions before I worked for you.

Steve: Please get off the stage.

Dougette: You're a sexist!

Amanda: He's not a sexist, and you're not a real woman.

Dougette: I am a real woman!

Phil: How are you going to fight crime?

Steve: Don't ask her a question like we're taking this seriously.

Phil: The heroes so far have been so terrible we can't really totally rule her out.

Dougette: I will use my raw sexuality to attract the bad-guys and then I'll stab them in the neck when they least expect it.

Steve: The only bad guys you would attract would be elderly ones who can't see well!

Dougette: Screw you! I'm beautiful and my robot fiance loves me!

Dougette runs off the stage crying.



****Bird Plane****

Steve: What are you... you kind of look like a bird....

Amanda: He kind of looks like a plane.

Phil: It's a bird-plane.

Bird Plane: Exactly, and I even have my own theme song!

Bird Plane plays the song "BirdPlane" by "The Axis of Awesome" on a boom box : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx6hmUv06tg

...

Steve: I'm not sure the world is ready for a confused combination of a bird and an airplane.

Bird plane sheds a single tear and carries his boom box off the stage.




****Highlighter Man****

A man in a large yellow highlighter costume who seems kind of jittery.

Highlighter Man: Hey guys, how are you doing?!?!?

Amanda: High there... Highlighter Man?

Highlighter Man: That's me! *sniff* - *jazz hands*

Steve: Are you ok?

Highlighter Man: I'm fine man, just fine, let's get this MOVING!

Steve: Why are you so familiar?

Highlighter Man: Well... I'm Pencil Man's brother!

Steve: ....

Highlighter Man: I hope you guys don't mind... but I have a bit of a COCAINE ADDICTION!!!

Steve: Why.... why in a million years did you think we would hire you after what happened with Pencil Man.... and being a cocaine addict.

Highlighter Man: I haven't even TOUCHED cocaine in over 30 years!!!!

Steve: NEXT!!!

Suddenly Mechanical Pencil Man appears and confronts Highlighter Man.

Mechanical Pencil Man: I knew it. I knew you couldn't overcome cocaine and defeat me!

Steve: Oh for crying out loud!!!!

Suddenly an elderly man enters the stage in a costume that appears to be of a large scale sharpened stone.

Mechanical Pencil Man: Father???

Sharpened Stone Man: I knew it.... I knew you would never be able to stop being mean to your children so you could defeat me!!!

Steve: GET THE smurf OFF THE STAGE!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!



****Crochet Lady****

Crochet Lady (to Steroids Man): Hey sexy~

Steve: Hello.... do I know you?

Crochet Lady: You didn't forget about me did you Steroids Man? Remember, we worked together in the Council of Heroes?

Steve: I don't think we ever worked together... you were just there when we did meetings....

Crochet Lady: You're the best hero, come out of retirement and work along side me. We can go on sexy adventures all the time!

Amanda: What the hell?

Crochet Lady: I masturbate over you daily!

Amanda: NEXT!!!!!!!!



****UK Steroids Man****

A very British looking version of Steroids Man.

Steve: What ... the ... smurf....

UK Steroids Man (strong thick English accent): Good day old chaps!

Steve (putting down his beer bottle): I been drinking too much today.

Amanda: What are you?

UK Steroids Man: I'm the UK version of Steroids Man!

Steve: Phil, why didn't you tell me there was a British version of me?

Phil: There's actually a few different versions out there, all paying you royalties and increasing your wealth. Australia Steroids Man, Mexican Steroids Man, German Steroids Man, Special Olympics Steroids Man, Mothers Against Drunk Driving Steroids Man, etc etc.

Steve (To UK Steroids Man): So you do steroids and all that?

UK Steroids Man: No, but I drink a lot of really potent tea!

Amanda: What kind of crimes do you have to go up against in England? Certainly it can't compare to Marzipan City.

UK Steroids Man: You're right about that, however, I have no shortage of obstacles I face in England.

Steve: Such as?

UK Steroids Man: I'm constantly diffusing random arguments I see people having on the streets.... ummmm... making sure people keep their seat-belts on...

Steve: What is the most serious crime you dealt with?

UK Steroids Man: Well... one time there was this particularly loud lady I had to tell to pipe down several times.

Steve: Oh my.

For some reason Phil feels compelled to ask the following question.

Phil: Care for a spot of tea?

Amanda: Phil!

UK Steroids Man: What the HELL???

Steve looks surprised.

UK Steroids Man: Nobody says that in England, that's a bloody stereotype!!!!!! Your damn TV and their portrayal of the English is bloody rubbish!

Steve: Next!!


~~~

Ultra Man has a bunch of rejected heroes all in the back of Steve's mansion, away from the rest of the crowd:

Laser Urine Guy, Captain Villain and Juvenile Delinquent, The Seer, Sammy SawBlade, Highlighter Man, Velcro Man and Murphy the Molester.

Ultra Man managed to find his ring and is his usual bulked up self again, but crazy looking, messy hair, dirty and dark circles under his eyes.

Ultra Man: Welcome everyone, to the first meeting of the new and improved Council of Heroes!!

The Seer: When do we get our $20 you promised all of us?

Ultra Man: Soon my friend... soon... after we complete our first mission!

Highlighter Man: Which is????

Ultra Man: We're going to break in to Steroids Man's mansion while everyone is distracted with these super hero auditions!

Velcro Man: And then what?

Ultra Man: We're going to wreck up the place!

Everyone looks around at each other in bewilderment of this plan.

Captain Villain: What's with the random shopping cart filled with old boots, a cinder block and other crap?

Ultra Man: Why those are my colleagues:

Nefarious Ned! (A shopping bag full of nails)
Leopold, the Legendary! (An old boot)
Vince, the Victorious!! (An even older boot)
Catastrophic Cindy! (Half of a cinder block)
Rupert, the Ruthless! (broken glass in a box)
Wrongo, the Wrong-doer!!! (dirty looking basketball)

Murphy the Molester: Ok, you know what? I just haul off and molest people, but even I think you're smurf in the head.

Ultra Man: Let's just do this shazam!!!

Captain Villain: I'll pick the lock on the door!

Ultra Man: No need for that, with my Ultra Strength!!!!

Ultra Man rips the door off the hinges.

Ultra Man: Now everyone, let's get our revenge on Steroids Man!

Ultra Man's new friends begin to wreck up the place, knocking things over, busting items and etc. Sammy SawBlade used his fake sawblade attachment to leave marks on the walls, Captain Villain is stealing anything that looks expensive and stashing it into his pockets while Juvenile Delinquent stabs at random things. Velcro Man is stuck to a couch and Murphy the Molester is smurf the DVD player. Highlighter Man is doing a line of coke on the kitchen table. The Seer is keeping watch by checking the future to see if anyone will catch them. Laser Urine Guy is seen from behind, shooting a streaming laser beam while his hands are at his groin area, carving into the wall.

Ultra Man: Yes!!! Good everyone, very good!

Suddenly Dougette enters to see all the destruction.

Dougette: What the hell is going on here???

Ultra Man: Damn it Seer!

The Seer: shazam!, sorry! I skipped breakfast today and that limited my future vision!

Dougette: Ultra Man?

Ultra Man: You know me?

Dougette: Yeah, back when I killed for money, and was a man, you hired me to infiltrate Steroids Man's mansion to work as a janitor and kill him!

Ultra Man: Wait a minute... yes, I remember you. Why the hell didn't you go through with it?

Dougette: It turns out he paid me far more to be a janitor than you did to be an assassin. I'm really glad actually because through Steroids Man, I met the robot man of my dreams, and we're getting married.

Ultra Man: I don't give a smurf!!!!

Dougette: GASP!!!

Ultra Man: I'm so sick of Steroids Man and I'm so SICK SICK SICK of everyone taking his side!!!

Ultra Man raises his ring hand and his magical ring glows.

Ultra Man: I'm going to destroy Steroids Man's life!!!! Nothing will stop me!!!

Suddenly Dougette takes out her trusty knife and slices off Ultra Man's ring finger and his finger and ring falls to the floor and Ultra Man becomes skinny.

Dougette: You better get the smurf out!

Ultra Man grabs his ring and dismembered finger and runs away along with the other heroes.

//The heroes ended up leaving Ultra Man because he didn't come through with the $20 he promised all of them, but the items he talks too in the shopping cart stuck by his side.



*****Stan*******

Stan is on stage. Steve met him before in episode 108 when he taught hero school. Stan is a muscle bound man who really looks up to the former Steroids Man and takes protein pills and muscle growth pills and etc. Steve really took a liking to him.

Steve: Yes, I remember you, how have you been!

Stan: I have been GREAT! I would love SO much to replace you as a hero!

Amanda: Do you take steroids?

Stan: No, but I work out like crazy and am very similar to Steroids Man. Even though I don't use Steroids, I am ridiculously strong. I have done everything I can to have a super powerful body. I bet you I could rival Steroids Man in his hay-day.

Amanda: Well I like that. No steroids, no roid rage, right hon?

Steve: I really like this guy. I just want to say right now that you're hired.

Phil: No, we have to be fair and give everyone a chance.

Steve: But everyone else sucks.

Phil: Trust me on this one.

Steve: I trust you about as far as I can throw you, and right now I can't even touch you at all, so you can imagine how little trust I have.

Stan looks really happy at this prospect.

Stan: I'm ready for this guys. I have actually been busy stopping some crimes and can give you an impressive list of what I've done!

Steve: Well I love you, and I want to have you for this job.

Amanda: We do still have to interview the rest.

Steve: Ok Stan, well you can leave now but expect a call from me and get your hopes up!

Stan: SWEET!!!

Stan is super excited and leaves the stage.

Phil (to Steve): I don't think you should hire him.

Steve: But he's PERFECT!!! I would get SOOO attached to that guy. If something ever happened to him I would be devastated!

Phil: Exactly.

Steve is stopped dead in his tracks.

Steve: ....smurf



*****The Interrupter******

The Interrupter: Hello! I am The Interrupter!

Steve (placing his hand over his head): Oh no....

Amanda: Oh no, what?

Steve: You really don't see what's about to happ....

The Interrupter: I have so many great powers!!!

Phil: Why don't you name....

The Interrupter: I don't believe there's any limit to what I can do!

Steve: Let me just say....

The Interrupter: I want this job and know I can make the world a better place!

Amanda: I ...

The Interrupter: Exactly! I can do all of that and so much more!

Steve: You didn't even let her....

The Interrupter: Let me just say how great I think you all are! I really and truly...

Steve: SHUT THE smurf UP!!!!!!!

The Interrupter: You.... cut me off... nobody has ever....

Steve: NEXT!!!!



******Terminal Illness Man*****

A not too healthy looking man is on stage who looks like he's having a hard time standing up.

Steve: So..... you are ......

Terminal Illness Man: I'm looking for money to pay for my surgery.....

Steve: Oh wow....... this is awkward.......



*****Texas Tornado**********

A man dressed in black with a really cool cowboy hat and black cowboy like clothes with tornado emblems on it.

Steve: Hello there, tell us about yourself.

Texas Tornado: I am the Texas Tornado! I can create tornadoes to defeat bad-guys!

Amanda: Can you show us?

Texas Tornado: Well I can't really make a full blown tornado here... it would destroy everything.

Steve (takes a drink): I am so smurf sick of these febreeze heroes coming up on stage and wasting our time.

Amanda: Calm er down!

Texas Tornado: Wait! I can make a really tiny tornado just for a second to prove my powers.

Texas Tornado spins his hand and forms a tiny tornado and we see the wind blow his hat to the judges table. Texas Tornado quickly makes the tornado go away.

Phil: That was incredible! How did you do that?

Steve picks up Texas Tornado's hat and looks at it.

Texas Tornado: I'll explain my powers in a second, just first, give me my hat back!

Steve: I'm just taking a quick look at it... it's really cool, where did you get it?

Texas Tornado: I'll tell you but first throw it up here.

Steve: Just a second.

Texas Tornado: NOW DAMN IT!!

Steve: Whoa, what's your issue?

Texas Tornado: The last time someone got a hold of my hat they defecated in it.

Steve: ....come again?

Texas Tornado: I don't trust people with my hat after I went to a party and someone pooped in my hat, now give it here!

Steve: You think I'm actually going to poop in your hat?

Texas Tornado: I don't trust anybody with my smurf hat! Hand it the smurf over!!

Phil: There's no way we're hiring a guy with this kind of trust issue.

Steve: Here's your smurf hat back! (throws it on stage)

Texas Tornado: DAMN IT!!! Be careful with my hat!!!

Steve: Go away now.

Texas Tornado leaves the stage.

Steve: If the next hero who auditions isn't half decent I'm going to snap. I'm obviously not going to have a roid rage, but I'll have what ever the closest non steroids using equivilant is!



********The Blue Bullet*************

A man who kind of looks like James Bond and very confident.

The Blue Bullet: Good day gentlemen.

Amanda: Tell us about yourself.

The Blue Bullet: Well I am The Blue Bullet. I am like 50 James Bonds, throw in some Chuck Norris, throw in some kick bottom, you've got yourself a party!

Steve: What do you bring to the table?

The Blue Bullet: Only the most advanced crime fighting weapons money can buy. I'm almost as rich as you, Steroids Man. And I got my own scientist sidekick who designs weapons for me!

Scientist: Check out this ordinary pen.

The scientist aims the pin, clicks the back and it shoots a dart at a tree causing it to explode.

Steve: This is the guy!!!

The Blue Bullet: Check out my resume!

The Blue Bullet slams down pictures and documents of criminals he defeated. Some serious names on the list.

Steve: I think you're the one!

The Blue Bullet: Perfect! I look forward to working with you, sharing the occasional drink, paling around and making the world a better place!

Steve: What was that?

The Blue Bullet: Hmmm?

Steve: You drink?

The Blue Bullet: Well only the social drink here or there...

Steve: No, I'm sorry, I can't work with someone who drinks ... not after what happened with Pencil Man.

The Blue Bullet: But you're drinking right now! And I only put the offer out there because I seen your beer bottles and thought you would like to share a social drink sometime. I'm by no means an alcoholic or anything!

Steve: Sorry, you're done.

The Blue Bullet: You just lost out on the best hero you'll find today, guaranteed!

The Blue Bullet and his scientist pal pack up their high tech gizmos and leave.

Amanda: Baby....

Steve: I know what I'm doing.



******Owl Man***********

A man in a huge cumbersome owl costume walks up the stairs to the stage ... trips and stumbles around, sprains his ankle and falls down on the middle of the stage HARD and smacking his head.

*pause*

Steve: Are you... ok?

*silence*

Amanda: Better get the paramedics up there.

As the paramedics make their way to the stage and prepare to put Owl Man on a stretcher, he regains consciousness.

Owl Man: What.... where am I?

Owl Man sits up and faces the judges as the paramedics stop what they're doing.

Steve: You're auditioning to replace me as a super hero.

Owl Man: Oh right.... yes.

Amanda: Want to tell us about yourself?

Owl Man: Well first off, I am the hero formerly known as Hawk Eyes. I had to change my name after the Avengers movie came out.

Steve: Never heard of you.

Owl Man: We used to work together on the former Council of Heroes!

Phil: Steve, you have to have some kind of memory disorder or something!

Owl Man: How can you not remember me!!??!?! Remember I used my super vision powers to weaken you and defeat you in glorious battle?

Steve: I'm pretty sure that never happened....

Owl Man: Yes it did! When you were a bad-guy (season 3), you said my powers weakened you and I won a fight!

Steve: I had to have been lying.

Owl Man: Now just a minute!!!

Owl Man stands up quickly, not realizing his ankle is sprained and falls off the stage and through the judges table, once again getting knocked out.

Steve: Great... now we have no table for the rest of this And my beer got spilled....



********Tom*****************

A very tall and wide pitch black evil looking man is on the stage. This guy is HUGE and so dark it's hard to make out his features. He is wearing a pin striped business suit which is also black. The judges are looking over his paper-work.

Steve: Who the hell are you?

Tom: You can just call me Tom.

Phil: Ok Tom.... are you a goodguy or a villain?

Tom: I would have to say I'm a villain.

Amanda: Then what are you doing here?

Tom: Just scoping out my competition. If one of these heroes get picked to replace you then I want to know who I'm up against as I build up my evil empire and take over this city.

Phil: Guys, this man seems VERY evil... under his birth-date he put "the dark ages"...

Steve (to Tom): Please leave.

Tom: Fine, but you haven't seen the last of me! (leaves)

Steve: I'm sure we have.




******Scott********

A man is on stage wearing a professional business suit.

Scott: Hello guys, my name is Scott.

Steve: Hello Scott.... what do you do?

Scott: Before I get into that, let me show you something amazing!

Scott pulls out a high tech looking vacuum.

Scott: Let me introduce you all to the Namrico 4,000!

Steve: For crying out loud, did you come out here to sell us a vacuum?

Scott: Not just ANY vacuum! This is the NAMRICO 4,000, the most powerful vacuum of our time! Let me give you guys a demonstration!

Scott places nails and large chunks of glass and other random things on the stage and begins to vacuum them up.

Amanda: That's amazing!

Steve: NEXT!!!!

Suddenly another guy comes on stage wearing an even more expensive business suit.

Harvey: Sorry about that last guy, that was embarrassing, huh?

Scott (off stage): What the hell?

Harvey: Let me introduce you all to the even more powerful, Namrico 5,000! The most epic vacuum of out time!

Phil: Oh my....

Scott: What the hell Harvey, we used to be friends!

In the line to audition we see a salesman in a very crappy business suit holding a push-broom.

Joe: Well I'm screwed.

Steve: That's it! Auditions are over!

Everyone around who didn't get a chance to audition groans in disappointment and Steve takes the stage to address everyone around.

Steve: Stick around guys, and we'll talk it over and pick a winner! Thanks.


~~~~~

All the heroes are hanging around the mansion and getting to know each other. Something amazing is about to happen at one of the snack food tables as everyone is getting some food.

Bruce Baxter: This sucks, how can they not have taco dip??

Texas Tornado: Hey, you need to calm down buddy.

Bruce Baxter: Get off my back man, I'm pretty upset right now and might get angry.

Texas Tornado: And what if you do?

Bruce Baxter: Oh... you wouldn't like me if I'm angry. You REALLY wouldn't like what would happen.

Suddenly in the crowded area, Blockade Man bumps into Bruce Baxter with his enormous shoulders made out of cement.

Bruce Baxter: smurf!!!! You just made me spill Dr. Pepper all over myself!!! And it's kind of chilly out here!!!

Blockade Man: Calm down, it was an accident.

Bruce Baxter: I'm smurf ANGRY.... OH no.... It's HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the other heroes look on as Bruce Baxter begins to get REALLY angry.... and then the transformation is complete.

Bruce Baxter: YOU'RE ALL smurf DOUCHE-BAGS!!!! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, YOU MOTHER-smurf SONS OF jabberwocky!!!

Wilderness Man: Damn... that guy is loud.... and MEAN.

Crochet Lady: I really don't like that guy when he's angry! .... what a total princess sophia.

Bruce Baxter: I WARNED YOU ALL ABOUT THIS!!! I'M A COMPLETE bottom WHEN I'M ANGRY!!!!

Stan: Get the smurf out of here!!!!

~~~~~~~

Ultra Man is in the distance with a walkie talkie, he moves it to his mouth with a bandaged hand and missing finger, wearing the ring on another finger.

Ultra Man (talking into the walkie talkie): Did you place the bombs on the stage?

We cut to the stage and an old boot with a walkie talkie ... and silence....

Ultra Man: Well... Leopold??? Did you place the bombs or not?

We cut back to the boot with a walkie talkie.

Ultra Man: ANSWER ME!!!!!

~~~~~

Steve makes his way on stage with Amanda and Phil and addresses everyone.

Steve: Ok everyone, I'm about to announce who will replace me... but first ... one last test....

In the distance a loud robotic voice catches everyones attention and turns heads.

Robot (in a cape and mask): I AM THE EVIL METAL MENACE!!! I AM HERE TO BE VERY EVIL, WHO WILL STOP ME?

Steve: Everyone! Quickly! Defeat the evil robot and prove yourself as a hero!!

All the heroes don't seem too interested....

Thunder Bolt: Oh... I just ate... you're not suppose to fight crime after eating.

Sparky: That's swimming!

Thunder Bolt: Quiet you.

UK Steroids Man: I only fight British robots.

The Cyborg Avenger: I'm very sleepy right now.

Grid Man: The sun is in my eyes!

Robot: WHO WILL STOP ME FROM DOING TERRIBLE THINGS!?? .... LIKE THIS!!!

The robot kicks over a garbage can.

Admiral Planet: Hey!!!!

Suddenly Dougette comes over and gets in front of the robot and spreads her arms out and is between the crowd.

Dougette: Don't you hurt him!!!

Steve: Oh damn it.

Dougette: This isn't a bad-guy! Look!

Dougette removes the robot's costume while all the heroes gasp.

Dougette: This is my robot man fiance!

Robot: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Dougette: I love you too much to risk them hurting you!

Robot: BUT STEVE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME THE MONEY I NEEDED FOR THAT ROBOT KIDNEY TRANSPLANT!!

Dougette: None of that matters now, as long as your safe.

The robot and Dougette begin to make out passionately and disturb all the heroes watching and we hear yelling from the crowd:

Disgusting!!!!

Kill them!!

Steve: Everyone calm down! I'll just get this crap over with and announce the winner.

Suddenly Ultra Man busts through the crowd and looks up at Steve, Amanda and Phil on stage.

Ultra Man: Not so fast!!

Steve: This day is never going to end.... (drinks)

Ultra Man: I'm going to get my revenge once and for all, and right now!!! Now Leopold!!!!! Activate the bombs planted on the stage!!!

**pause**

Ultra Man: Now Leopold!!! Hurry!!!

**nothing happens**

Steve: Can you please leave?

Ultra Man goes over to the boot on stage and shakes it.

Ultra Man: Damn you Leopold, you betrayed me!

Ultra Man throws the boot into the woods.

Ultra Man: No matter, I have a sniper on the roof! NOW CINDY!!!! BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER HIS PRECIOUS WIFE!!!

Everyone looks over to see a broken cinder block with a sniper rifle duct taped to it.

Amanda: You need a brain doctor.

Ultra Man: No! YOU'RE the one who will need a brain doctor, when Rupert runs you over in his new sports car!!!

Pan to a red sports car with a box of broken glass in the drivers seat.

Steve: Listen you anonymous stranger, I'm not going to pick you, so you better just leave right now...

Ultra Man: I'M ULTRA MAN!!!! AND YOU'RE GOING TO REMEMBER MY NAME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BURY YOU ALIVE IN MY COFFIN!!

Steve: What the smurf??!?!

Ultra Man: PREPARE TO FEEL MY ULTRA STOMPING POWER!!!

Ultra Man stomps the ground and everything shakes and parts of the ground crack open when.... Ultra Man's ring falls off and rolls away!

Ultra Man: NOOO!!!! Percy come back!!!!

Ultra Man's ring continues it's rolling motion and goes down a steep hill and the now skinny Ultra Man chases it and trips over his shoelace and rolls down the hill.

Steve: Ok, no more distractions, I'm going to announce the winner right now!

We cut to the crowd who all look very hopeful and anxious and then back to Steve.

Steve: The winner is ..... *choke* ... *cough*.

Steve begins violently coughing and choking while Amanda pats his back.

Amanda: Are you ok?

Steve: Yeah, sorry, I just choked on my own saliva or something. I'm going to go grab a drink and be right back.





....Don't miss the next amazing episode where Steroids Man's replacement is named!!!

[Wesley]

Etc. means,"and other things." Saying and etc is bad, so don't ever do it.


But wow, the crazy heroes! And the hook at the end... I expected nothing less.... ha hah a!

[Clarence]

Thanks for the heads up. I fell like and etc may make more appearances though

[Wesley]

I understand that I am 30 episodes behind with proofreading, but in general, from now to the future, try to avoid and etc, okay? ha ha ha!

[Clarence]

Will do lol

Keep me posted on these so I can apply them to other writings ... but I won't be fixing these stories unless there's drastic errors