Chapter 122 --> Steroids Man's Past Revealed (For Reals!)

[Clarence]

Amanda and Steve are joining in for dinner with Stan and his family, at his family's place. Stan's parents will be captioned simply as Mom and Dad.

Amanda: Lovely house you have.

Mom: Why thank you!

Steve: We live in a mansion!

Amanda nearly chokes on her food.

Mom: We're so proud of our boy growing up to be a super hero!

Amanda: Stan... how old are you?

Stan: 19.

Amanda: Seriously!?

Steve: Holy crap this kid is just like me in every way!

Dad: So how goes the super hero stuff...?

Stan: It's going great! I'm really taking a lot of criminals off the streets!

Steve: Your son is amazing... he's going to be great at this!

Dad: I just want you to know that I love my son very much and worry that something bad may happen to him one of these days.

Steve: Like dying horribly?

Dad spits out his water.

Steve: Listen Mr. Stan, your son is NEVER going to die. In fact he'll be at your funeral.... FIGHTING CRIME!!!

Amanda (to Steve): Why don't you just not talk for the rest of this?

The parents look very concerned.

Amanda: Don't worry, Steve here was the best hero ever when he was Steroids Man and he won't let anything bad happen to your son.

Stan: Don't worry about me Dad, seriously, you know I can take care of myself!

Dad: Ok son, I just need you to know that you mean the world to me.

Stan: You mean the world to me too!!!

Stan runs over to his Dad and they hug and are very happy. Steve looks on and seems very sad.

As the night concludes, they all get in their coats and get ready to leave. Stan's Mom pulls Stan aside as Steve and Amanda are at the door.

Mom: Is that guy really a hero?

Stan: Of course he is!

Mom: He just... doesn't seem like a hero...

Cut over to Steve crying loudly and leaning on Amanda while drinking a large bottle of wine.

Steve: I want to have parents too!!!! *sob*

Amanda: Oh no... we're doing this again are we?

Steve: I want Daddy!!!!

Amanda: You're spilling wine all over me!

~~~~~~

Steve is on the couch and is really down. Amanda comes in and sits next to him.

Amanda: Are you ok?

Steve: I am in a pit of despair that's so deep I can't even see the sun!

Amanda: .....I know what will cheer you up! PHIL!!!!

Suddenly Phil appears in the room.

Amanda: You're an balloon knot and nobody likes you and nobody ever will and you're dead. ...also your face sucks!

Phil begins to bawl his eyes out and disappears. Amanda looks over to Steve who's still upset.

Amanda: Nothing?

Steve: Sorry.

Amanda: How can I make you feel better?

Steve: Give me the loving embrace of a Father!

Amanda: Yeah... don't think I can do that.

Suddenly Stan enters the room while lifting weights.

Stan: All right! What's the plan for tonight?

Steve: I need to borrow your parents for a while.

Stan: ....

Amanda: Just take the night off.

Stan (confused): Ok....

Steve: I need to find my parents. What can I do?

~~~~~~

After some discussion, Steve decides to seek help from the world by airing his story on TV. Last time he tried this he just went on some random news program and cried while singing "Daddy Come Back" ... this time he paid to have a full length documentary type story explaining how he was abandoned in a car fire asking for anyone who knows anything to come forward. The documentary was very detailed and gave the exact location of the gas station and everything. He used his wealth to air this on every station and get the story all over!

~~~~~

A few days later....

Steve, Amanda and Stan are on the couch. Steve is drinking as usual.

Stan: So... are we going to actually fight some crime or....

Steve: I can't do anything until good news comes through that door!

Stan: It feels like we hardly ever do anything ever.

Suddenly the door bell rings.

Steve: That could be him!!! My Father!!! Get it!!!

Amanda goes to the door and opens it.

Dougette (holding a cup): Can I borrow some sugar?

Steve gets up fast and draws a gun.

Steve (pointing the gun at Dougette and walking forward): You don't live here anymore!!!

Dougette disappears and another person comes to the door smoking a cigarette.

Steve: Who the hell are you?

Guy: Is this Steve... formerly Steroids Man?

Steve: Yes it is, what's your business?

Guy: My name is Alvin Arkansas ... I'm your Father!

Steve: *gasp* Do you mean it!?

Steve looks at this man and sees a striking family resemblance.

Alvin: Yes, I am your father!

Steve: Ok, we have to go to a lot of different places and get a lot of blood and DNA tests to prove it.

Alvin: Why so many tests?

Steve: People have tricked me before and pretended to be my Dad and even faked the blood tests.

Alvin: Why the hell would someone do that?

Steve: Let's go!

~~~~~~~~

Steve gets confirmation that this man is indeed his Father using his wealth to expedite the tests. And to the reader, this is not another trick like when Metal Face hired an actor, this guy is legitimately his father, for real reals.

After the tests confirm this, Steve and Amanda sit in a comfortable quiet room of the mansion to talk to him. Stan is out fighting crime or something and Phil is busy working on some amazing project.

In the room with just Steve, Amanda and Alvin....

Steve: Ok... I think we're going to need to hear the whole story.

Amanda: Yeah, like why you left him in a burning car and never looked back!

Alvin: It didn't quite go down like that.... I thought you were dead all these years, Chester.

Steve: ...Chester?

Alvin: Yes... your real name... Chester Arkansas.

Steve: Ok, tell me the story. I feel like this is going to be a lot to take in.

Alvin: Anyway, that documentary you made ... the location, the time, the car on fire.... it lead me to you, why didn't you make this sooner?. I can't believe you not only survived, but grew up to become Steroids Man!

Steve: Get to the part where you left me behind.

Alvin: Let me just get a smoke and start at the beginning...

~~> Flashback to about 1990.

Young Alvin is sitting in his crappy looking apartment and the doorbell rings. Alvin goes to the door and lets in this young pot-head.

Alvin: Victoria.... come for more stuff, huh?

Victoria: You know it!

Alvin brings her in and closes the door and she hands him $50.

Alvin: Alright, big bag of weed coming right up!

~~> Present

Steve: You were a dope dealer?

Alvin: Oh yeah, still am, never worked a day in my life. Want some weed?

Steve: No.... I don't do drugs anymore... or steroids... just drink.... *Steve hauls back a large bottle of beer*

Alvin: That's not good to drink like that, son.

Steve: You left me in a burning car!

Alvin: That's the end of the story! Let me get to it!

~~> Flashback

Victoria: I love buying weed from you! You are sooo sexy.

Alvin: Let's do this shazam!!

They begin to rip each other's clothes off.

~~> Present

Alvin: And then I did her right there on the couch and got her knocked up!

Steve: ....that's how I was conceived?

Alvin: Let me fast forward to 9 months later.

~~> Flashback to March 1991.

Alvin and Victoria are waiting to cross a busy street. Victoria is very pregnant at this point and feeling her belly.

Victoria: I'm going to pop any second.

Alvin: Hopefully not tonight or we're going to miss that movie! *lights a cigarette*

Victoria: This street is crazy busy, we're never going to get across!

Alvin: Let's just make a run for it.

Victoria: What?

Alvin: Let's just run across the street really fast, I'll protect you!

Victoria: ...this seems dangerous.

Alvin: Baby, I got you!

Victoria: I believe in you!

Alvin and Victoria run across the street and she gets hit by a car! Victoria is very obviously killed at the scene.

Alvin: Holy crap!!!!

Alvin busts out another cigarette to calm down as some woman wearing a sexy red dress steps out of the car that just his his previous girlfriend.

~~> Present

Alvin: And that's when I met your Mother, Evelyn, her beauty magnified by the moonlight!

Steve and Amanda are both in shock.

Steve: This is a terrible story! ... My mother ran down your previous girlfriend and then you guys got together right after that?

Alvin: Yeah, right then and there. We made love right on the pavement until the cops came and THAT'S where you were conceived!

Steve: I just can't even believe this, it's terrible! *takes another drink*

Alvin: Oh ... there's more...

~~> Flashback Weeks before Christmas 1991.

Alvin is now living in a nice house and it's all decorated for Christmas.

Alvin: We are so rich! I can't believe how well my dope business is taking off! Everyone is buying off me! We got it made in the shade Evelyn!!!

Evelyn (rubbing her belly): I'm so pregnant.... I need these babies out of me!

~~> Present

Steve: ... did you just say babies?

Alvin: *exhaling smoke from his cigarette* What? No.... you heard me wrong.

~~> Back to previous flashback scene

Alvin: Try to keep the babies in there until Christmas, if you give birth on Christmas day I'll never forget their birthday!

Evelyn: I think I'm giving birth TODAY!

Alvin: But it's only December 12th!!!

Suddenly some guy is in the room wearing a business suit... he looks very shady and has a patchy half beard. Alvin and Evelyn scream.

Alvin: Who the hell are you?

Guy: My name is Mr. Weasely.

Alvin: Are you here to buy some of my amazing weed?

Mr. Weasely: No, I'm here representing the King of Crime.

Alvin: Is that suppose to be some sort of king ... or crime?

Mr. Weasely: The King of Crime runs all the crime of this town. You're cutting into his business. You have become quite a major pot dealer.

Alvin: What do you want from me?

Mr. Weasely: Half of your profits.

Alvin: Hello no!

Suddenly two large men enter the room, one holding a pipe and one holding a large piece of wood.

Mr. Weasely: You don't really have a choice.

Evelyn looks like she's very stressed out and about to give birth.

Alvin: Ok, let's negotiate here!

Mr. Weasely: Ok.

Alvin: 40%.

Mr. Weasely: 60%.

Alvin: 30%.

Mr. Weasely: 70%.

Alvin: 20%!

Mr. Weasely: 90%.

Alvin: Wait, you skipped over 80!

Mr. Weasely: We're going to come back and collect our money! And you better have it!

Alvin: Or else what?

Mr. Weasely: I'll kill you and your family.

Alvin: That sucks.

Mr. Weasely: We're coming to collect on Christmas morning.

Alvin: Oh that's such a douche move!

Mr. Weasely snaps his fingers and walks out of the room as one of the henchmen break the TV and the other tips over a fish bowl.

Alvin: Those guys mean business!

Evelyn: Alvin!!!

Evelyn is on the floor in pain.

Evelyn: The babies!

~~> Present

Steve and Amanda are just looking at Alvin.

Alvin: Did I say babies again?

Amanda: Yeah you did....

Alvin: Anyway, back to the story. I was driving like a madman trying to get your Mother to the hospital in time....

~~> Flashback to a busy highway on December 12th, during a snow storm.

Alvin is swerving all over the road and speeding.

Evelyn: I can't hold them in anymore!

Alvin: Black ice!

Alvin hits some black ice and the car is airborne!

Evelyn: HERE THEY COME!!!!

~~> Present

Alvin: The next thing I knew I was spinning in circles and hitting other cars and babies were flying around all over the place. It was crazy!

Steve: Do I have a smurf twin or what?!!?!

Alvin: Baby, singular. Forgive me.

~~> back to flashback

Evelyn finally did make it to the hospital and Alvin is by her side.

Alvin: How do the babies look doc?

Doctor: Little Wendyll has a perfect bill of health, but Chester suffered some serious head trauma...

Alvin: Crap I knew that would happen, they were both bouncing around in the car and my woman could only hold on to one of them. Chester hit the roof so many times.

Doctor: That's a shame. What a terrible storm.

~~> Present

Amanda: WHAT THE smurf!!!???

Steve: Who the hell is Wendyll???

Alvin: *puff of cigarette* Ummm... that was the other patient in the room.

Steve: So I don't have a brother?

Alvin: ... no..... let's move on with the story, shall we?

~~> Christmas morning 1991

Alvin and Evelyn are at the Christmas tree opening presents. Evelyn is breast feeding both babies at the same time.

Alvin: This is the best Christmas ever! Nothing is going to ruin this moment!

Suddenly a bunch of gangsters break in and surround Alvin and Evelyn.

Evelyn: Oh crap!

Mr. Weasely: Merry Christmas everyone.

Alvin: Thank you!

Mr. Weasely: Where's our money?

Alvin: I don't have it right now, come back New Years!

Mr. Weasely: No, the deal was you pay us today!

Henchman: What now boss?

Mr. Weasely: We'll take them to the King of Crime to answer for this!

Alvin and Evelyn get chloroformed .....

~~> Present

Steve: Holy crap man! Did you get killed?

Alvin: ... what... are you serious?

Steve: Ummm....

Alvin: You are definitely Chester.

Steve: Excuse me?

Alvin: Back to the story.... The next thing I remember was being covered in a garbage bag.....

~~> Flashback to Christmas 1991.

We hear the music "Stayin' Alive" playing by the Bee Gees. Alvin is suddenly able to see again as the garbage bag covering him is removed. He looks over to see Evelyn being uncovered from her garbage bag and she is crying and messy.

Alvin: Where are we?

Alvin looks around to see a large fancy looking room with henchmen and computer monitors and a large desk where a chair is turned away from them. He also notices it is now dark out and he must have been out for a while.

Evelyn: Where are my babies?!?!?

The chair on the massive desk spins around to reveal a muscular man in a blue pin-stripped business suit with a wide brimmed blue hat.

King of Crime: Your babies are safe in their cribs at your home.

Alvin: What kind of horrible mysterious thing do you want with us???

King of Crime: .... are you serious?

Alvin: Yeah... what do you want?

King of Crime (To Mr. Weasely): Did you not tell them I wanted their money?

Mr. Weasely: Yeah I did ... I don't understand...

King of Crime (To Alvin): GIVE US YOUR MONEY!!!

Alvin: I have no money!!!

King of Crime: You don't know who you're messing with here! I know how much money you have been making, you are ROLLING in it! How could you say you have no money?

Alvin: Well.. it's the holidays.....

King of Crime: You're lying! Where did you hide the money?

Alvin: Why do you want MY money so bad? Shouldn't you already be rich if you're the smurf KING of crime???

King of Crime: ... I'm greedy.

Evelyn: Oh damn it, Alvin! Just give him the money!

Alvin: Shut up!

King of Crime: So you do have the money?

Alvin: No, that jabberwocky doesn't know what she's talking about.

Evelyn: DAMN IT ALVIN, THE MONEY IS IN THE SECRET SAFE!!! I WANT TO SEE MY KIDS AGAIN!!!

King of Crime: Secret safe huh?

Alvin: Nope, there's no secret safe.

The King of Crime snaps his fingers and one of the henchmen holds a gun to Evelyn.

King of Crime: Tell us where the safe is or your woman will die!

Alvin: No.

King of Crime: ...what?

Evelyn: WHAT?!??!?!

Alvin: He's not really going to kill anyone. He's all talk. If he tries to kill any of us then I'll never reveal my amazing weed recipe and it will go to my grave. He can't risk that.

King of Crime: ...what ... are you talking about? I am very seriously about to kill her if you don't tell me where the safe is!

Alvin: Prove it.

Evelyn: WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?

Alvin: Be cool baby, he's totally bluffing.

The King of Crime shrugs and makes some kind of motion with his finger....... BANG!!!!!! Evelyn gets shot in the face point blank and her head explodes covering Alvin in blood.

Alvin: SON OF A jabberwocky!!!!! YOU SHOT HER!!!!!

~~> Present

Steve: ... Mommy! .... Dead!??!

Steve falls into Amanda's arms and cries uncontrollably.

Amanda: Is this horrible story almost over??

Alvin (lighting another smoke): Yeah.

~~> Flashback to where we left off

Alvin (covered in blood): WHY!?!?!? WHY DID YOU KILL THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN SO UNEXPECTEDLY!?!?!

King of Crime: You're next unless you tell me where the safe is!

Alvin: NEVER!!!!

King of Crime: Very well..... LEG FEET!

A large door opens and smoke billows out of it and a guy with VERY long legs walks out.

Alvin: What the hell is that?

King of Crime: This is one of my top hench-men.... LEG FEET!!!

Alvin: Let Feet?

Leg Feet: That's right! Where my feet should be, there is only more legs....

Alvin is just looking on with a very confused expression on his face.

King of Crime (To Leg Feet): Kill him!

Leg Feet: Yes master!

Leg Feet starts running at Alvin really fast and it's very startling.

Alvin: Oh shazam!!

Leg Feet suddenly trips on his shoe lace and falls down and lands HARD on his temple and busts his head open and lays there quietly.

Alvin: I'm out of here!

Alvin runs away as The King of Crime is drinking a large glass of orange juice and the other hench-men watch.

King of Crime: *choke* .... *cough*

Mr. Weasely: Are you ok boss?

The King of Crime is trying to catch his breath and making hand gestures pointing at the door that Alvin just ran away through.

Mr. Weasely: What are you trying to tell us?

King of Crime: *choke* GET HIM!!!

The hench-men run out the door after Alvin with guns drawn.

King of Crime: Why didn't you send them after him sooner? He has a head start now!

Mr. Weasely: Well... you didn't say anything when he left....

King of Crime: Cause I was choking on orange juice! It should have been obvious what to do!

Mr. Weasely: DON'T YELL AT ME!!!!!

~~> Present

Amanda: Wait... how do you know what they were saying when you left the room?

Alvin: Oh I dunno.... I guess I was just assuming. Anyway....

~~> Flashback to Alvin speeding off in a stolen car.

Alvin: I got to save the babies!!!!

Alvin looks back to see gangsters following him and shooting.

Alvin: Oh crap!!!

Alvin speeds away and sees his house in the distance in flames.

Alvin: Oh no!!!!

~~~ At the King of Crime lair.

King of Crime: Did we torch the house containing his babies?

Mr. Weasely: Yes.

King of Crime: Excellent!

The King of Crime pours himself a large glass of orange juice.

King of Crime: Time to celebrate!

The King of Crime hauls back a large drink or orange juice and coughs violently as Mr. Weasely slaps his back.

King of Crime: DAMN IT!!! LESS PULP NEXT TIME!!!

~~~Back to Alvin.

Alvin speeds away and loses the gangsters and crashes the car close to his house and gets out.

Alvin: shazam!!

Alvin lights 3 smokes and runs into the firey building.

Alvin: Don't worry Wendyll, I'm coming!

~~> Present

Alvin: Ummm.... I mean Chester.

~~> Flashback

Alvin is in a burning room looking down at two cribs.

Alvin: I don't have time to grab both... how do I know which one is the good baby?!?!?

Alvin puts his right hand over his eyes and points with his left hand and spins in a circle.

Alvin: Got it!

Alvin runs out of the building and gets into his own car and speeds off with the baby crying in the seat next to him.

Alvin: Don't worry baby, you're safe now! We got to get the hell out of here!

Alvin reaches into his pocket for a smoke but finds he has none.

Alvin: shazam!, we got to stop at a convenience store or something!

~~ back to King of Crime.

Mr. Weasely: Boss, we lost Alvin but have confirmed that he escaped using his car!

King of Crime: Please tell me you placed a bomb under the car.

Mr. Weasely: As a matter of fact we did.

They both laugh an evil laugh.

~~

Alvin pulls up to the gas station and parks close to the door in view of the surveillance camera.

Alvin: I got to just run in super quick and get some sweet sweet tobacco!!

Alvin runs in and then it happens............

*KABOOM!!!!!*

The car explodes and flames are all over!

Alvin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! WENDYLL!!!!!!!!!!

Alvin goes outside but is not in view of the security camera and falls to his knees.

Alvin: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is terrible!!! He's probably dead!

Alvin runs away crying into the night as the terrified store clerk hides behind the counter calling 911.

Suddenly a drunk guy walks by and all that happens next is captures by the security camera.

Drunk Guy: What the hell?

We hear a baby crying and the drunk guy opens the door to see the baby is somehow mostly OK because of the poor bomb placement, the seat he was in isn't on fire yet. The drunk guy takes out the baby and looks at him.

Drunk Guy: Wow, a baby... maybe I can make money off this somehow to buy more liquor!

The drunk guy leaves and steals the security tape so nobody tries to claim this kid isn't his.

(The drunken guy who adopted Steve and raised him actually gave him the tape for Christmas one year. Young Steve watched it but never rewound it far enough to see his real Dad getting out of the car. Steve no longer owns the tape as he lost it a long time ago.)

~~~Flash forward


Alvin: And then I just kept running and running until I thought I was safe and started dealing dope in a new city that was far less violent.

Steve is just in shock and Amanda is hugging him.

Steve: You.... just left me in a flaming car?!?!?!?!?

Alvin: I thought you were dead!

Steve: You didn't even look!

Alvin: I didn't have to look! There was flames and it was scary, anybody would have assumed you were dead!

Steve: You ..... didn't even smurf look! And left and a drunk guy found me and raised me!! My childhood was terrible because of you!

Alvin: Son, trust me, that fire looked smurf scary, nobody would have thought a baby could have survived that!

Steve: I actually did have the security tape for a while.... my drunk fake Dad gave it to me for Christmas one year and those flames did look pretty scary....

Steve takes a huge drink and just sits and thinks.

Amanda: So... now what?

Steve: Now, I'm finally going to get to know my Dad!

Steve stands up and takes more drinks.

Steve: Let's have a welcome home party!

Alvin: Sweet!

Amanda: But the terrible things that he told us about....

Steve: I'm just going to drink those away and hang out with my Dad.

Amanda: This isn't healthy.

Steve: Let's go to the fireworks store!

Alvin: Alright!!

Amanda is very worried about Steve's state of mind right now.

~~~

Alvin is driving with Steve in the front passenger seat. Steve is drinking and spilling beer all over himself and Alvin is smoking heavily.

Steve: Alright! To the fireworks store!

Alvin: You got it Chester!

Steve: Just call me son!

Alvin: Ok, son!

Steve: Thanks for driving Dad, I'm totally sloshed!

Alvin: That's what Dad's do!

Steve: I can't believe that story you told Dad... you had the King of Crime after you and everything!

Alvin: Yes and when I read up that Steroids Man brought him in to be thrown in jail when nobody else could, I was so happy! And now I find out it was my son all along!

Steve: I did that? *drinks*

Alvin: You sure did!

Steve: That's amazing!

~~~

Alvin and Steve go to the fireworks store and load the car with fireworks, filling the trunk and back seat to the max with expensive fireworks. They are now driving home to set them off.

Alvin: Holy crap we bought a lot of fireworks!

Steve: I can't believe we fit them all in the car!

Alvin: You sure got some money to spend huh?

Steve: That's the price of being a hero!

Alvin is half done his current cigarette and feels his pockets to see he's run out of smokes again.

Alvin: shazam! I'm currently smoking my last cigarette.

Steve: You sure do smoke a lot Dad.

Alvin: I need to go buy a few more packs!

Alvin pulls up to the same gas station that Steve was abandoned at all those years ago. Steve is very drunk and looks around and the memories come back.

Steve: Ummm... isn't this the same gas station where I was abandoned before?

Alvin: Sorry son, this is the most convenient place for me to buy my cigarettes.

Steve: You even parked in the same place....

Alvin: Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you behind again, I'll be right back!

Alvin finishes his current cigarette and throws it in the back seat and goes inside the convenience store leaving Steve in the car.

Cut to the back seat of the car, the butt of the cigarette thrown in the back seat ignites a firework and sets off a chain reaction....

*KABOOM!!!!!!*

All of the fireworks explode in a brilliant display of light and the car is covered in flames. Alvin runs out and can't believe it!

Alvin: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!

Alvin looks at the flames and cries as a smoke cloud rises.

Alvin: MY SON!!!!!!!!! HE'S PROBABLY DEAD!!!! I AM VERY VERY DEVASTATED!!!!! WHAT A TRAGEDY!!!! THOSE FLAMES LOOK SCARY AS HELL!!!!!!

Alvin takes out an old school portable CD player and puts earphones in and walks away.

Alvin (still walking away): THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IS LISTENING TO MY OLD 90s MIX TAPE ON VERY HIGH VOLUME!!!

In the background Steve crawls out of the burning wreckage and is badly hurt.

Steve: Dad...... come back... I'm alive!!!! Don't leave me again!!

Alvin (now further away and still leaving without ever looking back): THIS MUSIC IS NOT SOOTHING THE PAIN AT ALL!!!! MAYBE IF I JOG WITH THE MUSIC!

Steve watches as his Dad disappears in the distance....


...


...


...



Flashback to that fateful Christmas Day in 1991 and the burning house with firefighters and police on the scene.

Police Chief Morgan: What do you make of this?

Head Firefighter: The fire seems like it was set intentionally.

Police Chief Morgan: Any survivors?

Head Firefighter: .... just this baby... no family to be found.

We cut to a baby in the arms of a volunteer fire-fighter.

-dramatic music play here