Chapter 90 --> My Fiance, My Mother

[Clarence]

90th Episode Extraordinaire!

Steroids Man is at the greasiest grease ball restaurant ever where it seems like grease is literally coated on the walls.

Robot: WHY DID YOU TAKE ME HERE AGAIN!?!

Steroids Man: Because I hate Phil, Doug has no legs, and Amanda is working an unusually lot of hours recently....

Robot: WHY DID YOU WANT TO BRING ANYONE TO THIS HORRIBLE RESTAURANT!?!?

Steroids Man: Because you're going to be my witness when I take on this Super burrito!!

Robot: SUPER BURRITO????

Steroids Man: Yes, as a super hero I can't miss the chance to conquer this super burrito as advertised... damn it looks huge and greasy though....

~~~Later

Steroids Man's uniform is covered in grease and crumbs.

Steroids Man: I did it... I'm the greatest hero ever.... I defeated super burrito......

Robot: I NEVER BEEN SO BORED IN MY LIFE, THAT TOOK YOU LIKE AN HOUR!

Steroids Man: Some of the greatest battles in history have taken an hour..... oh no....

Robot: WHAT?

Steroids Man: I'm about to take a SUPER DUMP!!!

Steroids Man runs to the bathroom and knocks down an employee in the process.

Robot: THIS IS MY WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Suddenly cops surround the bank across the street and out the dirty restaurant window and there's lots of commotion.

Robot: WHAT IS THIS???

The robot goes outside and talks to another onlooker to find out the bank is bring robbed by a crazy German guy.

Robot: I'LL SAVE THE DAY!

~~

From inside the bank we see terrified people all laying down and crying. The crazy gunman is holding on to a hostage and has a gun pointed at her face.

Cops on bullhorn: LET GO OF THE HOSTAGES AND SURRENDER!

Gunman: I AM THE PRESIDENT NOW!

Suddenly green smoke surrounds the hostage and the gunman and they get dizzy, we see the smoke is coming from the robot's mouth.

gunman: So.... tired....

Hostage: Me too.....

Robot: NOW IS MY CHANCE!

The robot goes up to the gunman and the hostage and bangs their heads together, knocking them both out. The robot then sucks all the sleeping gas back into his mouth.

Robot: YOUR BANK IS SAVED!

Everyone cheers and the cops arrest the gunman and praise the robot.

Steroids Man leaves the bathroom and then the restaurant feeling very sick and sees all the cop cars.

Steroids Man: What the?

Robot: I SAVED THE BANK STEROIDS MAN -- I'M A REAL HERO!

Steroids Man: No... I'm suppose to be a hero.

Robot: ALL YOU DID WAS EAT A REALLY BAD DIRTY MEAT POCKET -- BUT I SAVED PEOPLE'S LIVES!

Amanda comes over.

Amanda: So yeah, I guess you heard... the robot saved the day........... the robot!!!

Steroids Man: I was suppose to save the day, I was just taking a crap!

Amanda: Yeah..... you'll probably get them next time.

Amanda seems disappointed.

Steroids Man: smurf me sideways.

~~~~~ the next day.

Amanda is getting ready to leave work again and Steroids Man has slept in, and runs to see her out in his underwear.

Steroids Man: Where are you going, it's so early!

Amanda: I have so much work to do, being police chief is not easy.

Steroids Man: But... you forgot to dress me.

Amanda: You'll have to do it yourself, now get inside before the neighbours see you in your underwear.

Steroids Man: Amanda, wait!

Amanda: *sigh* yeah?

Steroids Man: Am I a bad hero?

Amanda: No baby, you're awesome, you just missed your chance at the bank is all, you'll get em next time.

Steroids Man: Oh, I love you!

Amanda: I love you too!

Steroids Man and Amanda make out passionately and Amanda leaves for work. Steroids Man is very wound up as they are waiting for marriage to have tickle fight again and enters the mansion with a huge erection.

Doug: Sweet boner!

Steroids Man: Don't comment on my boner, man!

Steroids Man looks around confused.

Steroids Man: ....where are you?

Steroids Man looks down and sees Doug... he's in a canoe and has two paddles and is painfully rowing on the carpet to get around the living room while destroying everything.

Steroids Man: What are you doing?!?!?!

Doug: This is how I get around now after I lost my legs! It's the easiest way I can get around now!

Steroids Man: *sigh* I need new friends.

Robot: HEY STEROIDS MAN!

The robot comes in the room with a huge #1 ribbon on his robot body.

Steroids Man: Oh what do YOU want?

Robot: ENGAGE "IN YOUR FACE" MODE ---- I'M AWESOME AND YOU SUCK!

Steroids Man: Why are you so mean?

Robot: I'M A HERO AND YOU'RE NOT -- REPEAT -- I'M A HERO AND YOU'RE NOT -- REPEAT -- I'M A HERO AND YOU'RE NOT!!

Steroids Man leaves and goes to his room and watches cartoons in his underwear until he realizes that he's starving to death.

Steroids Man: I'm so hungry!

Steroids Man goes to the kitchen but sees Amanda never made him lunch today.

Steroids Man slaps his hands on his mouth and screams.

Steroids Man: OH NO!!!!

~~~

Amanda is at work doing a lot of paperwork and very busy. She's actually awesome at her job.... in fact she does so much for Marzipan City that she may be even better for the community then Steroids Man ... oh who am I kidding? A retarded donkey would be better for the community than Steroids Man .... anyway...

Amanda: I'm SOOO busy, but I wanted this job so I better do my best and not get distracted!

The phone rings.

Amanda: Hello?

Steroids Man: Amanda, you gotta help me!!!!

Amanda: What's wrong?

Steroids Man: You never made me any food and I'm very hungry and cold.

Amanda: Just make yourself something, come on, I'm at work!

Steroids Man: I can't cook..... *cry* ... my greatest secret revealed.

Amanda: OMG... there's a large can of beans in the cupboards, just heat them up.

Steroids Man: Ok... I'll try.

Amanda: (abruptly) Ok Baby, Love you bye.

~~~

Steroids Man is in Phil's office, still only wearing underwear.

Phil: For the last time, I'm not going to cook beans for you! Figure it out yourself, you're not a child!

Steroids Man: Ohh...... fine. Hey, on another topic, will you make Doug some legs?

Phil: How do you go from asking someone to make beans, to asking someone to make legs???

Steroids Man: Will you just whip something up, he's rowing a canoe around the house for crying out loud.

Phil: Fine.

Steroids Man: Please heat my beans!

Phil: No, damn it! Why don't you just go eat out or something instead of beans???

Steroids Man: I really like beans and.... I threw my credit card at some seagulls .... and also I have no cash.

Phil: Ok, I'm done.

Phil leaves into a tiny trap door in his office to hide from Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: Ohhhh....

~~~

Steroids Man is in the kitchen and next to the stove with the large can of beans.

Steroids Man: Let's see... "heat and serve" .... sounds straight forward.

Steroids Man places the unopened can on the burner and waits for a while to see nothing happen.

Steroids Man: I better crank up the juice!

Steroids Man turns the burner up to 11 and the burner turns bright red and the can of beans begin to vibrate and jiggle.

Steroids Man: How will know if this is done?

**2 hours later**

Steroids Man: I'm so bored and hungry.... and full of self loathing, why did that robot have to best me... why!?!?

--KABOOM--

The loudest explosion ever occurs and a bright flash that's blinding and the can of beans EXPLODES and shrapnel sticks in Steroids Man's near naked body.

Smoke rises and we see Steroids Man is cut up badly and covered in blood and beans.

Steroids Man: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE AGONY!!!! IT HURTS SO smurf BAD.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH ..... OMG THE STINK OF BEANS Is SO BAD!!!!!

Steroids Man vomits and Max the cat enters the room.

Steroids Man: MAX!!!! HELP ME I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN AND I CAN LITERALLY FEEL PIECES OF METAL MOVING INTO MY VEINS!!!

Max comes over and begins to lick the beans off Steroids Man's body.

Steroids Man: NO... I KNOW I'M DELICIOUS BUT GET HELP!!!

Suddenly Conky, the black cat enters the room and also licks at the beans.

Steroids Man: WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS HELPING ME?!?!?!

Suddenly another older looking gray cat enters the room with a pink collar that reads "Kiera" enters the room to get some food.

Steroids Man: WHERE THE HELL DID THIS THIRD CAT COME FROM!?!?!?

Doug slowly enters the room paddling the canoe on the floor, this time he's covered in Hello Kitty band-aids.

Steroids Man: THANK GOODNESS... I NEED YOUR HELP... I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN!!!!

Doug: What the hell am I suppose to do?

Steroids Man: GO GET PHIL!!!

Doug: I hate you.

Steroids Man: WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN PINK BAND-AIDS?!?!

Doug: I got sick of my space tattoo and literally cut it off my body.

Steroids Man: WHAT THE smurf!!?!?!!!?!?!!

Doug: I got tired of being space.

Steroids Man: GO ..... GET... PHIL!!!

Doug: Ok... but you're blocking the other exit... so I'm going to have to try to turn this canoe around... it's going to take a while.

Doug painfully and slowly turns his canoe around and makes it to Phil's office and explains the situation to Phil.

Doug: Steroids Man blew up himself up cooking beans.

Phil: Yeah, ok, sure.

Phil didn't believe him, but later found out it was true when he went in the kitchen to grab a Root Beer. They take Steroids Man to the hospital and he goes through painful surgery to remove the shrapnel.

Steroids Man wakes up in bandages and a full body cast in a hospital bed. Steroids Man's left arm is being held up in a straight position cause of the casts. Amanda and Phil are by his side.

Steroids Man: Mom.... Dad....

Phil: More or less, right?

Amanda: I'm so glad you are ok! I got really worried when you slipped into those comas and then blood started coming out your eyes, nose and mouth!

Steroids Man: I told you I couldn't make beans... you didn't believe me... but I told you...

Amanda: I'm so sorry... it just didn't seem like this could happen... you're a grown assed man.

Steroids Man: Oh....

Amanda: Anyway, you'll be out of the hospital soon, I will take care of you!

Phil: You're lucky to be alive!

Steroids Man: Luck has nothing to do with it, I'm Steroids Man!

Phil: You were almost dead man! You were shirtless without your bulletproof uniform on.... they took shrapnel out of your HEART!

Steroids Man: I'm sure it's not as bad as you're making it out to be.

~~~

Steroids Man rests and recovers in the hospital while Amanda sticks by his side... at one point she falls asleep and....

Steroids Man: Oh no....

The Manager projects himself into the room.

The Manager: What the hell happened to you?

Steroids Man: I may have been in an exploding beans related accident...

The Manager: How could this happen??? You're suppose to help me build my machine!

Steroids Man: Well I clearly need some time off! And another thing, I thought you watched me constantly to make sure I don't die!

The Manager: Well yeah, but what the smurf kind of moron nearly kills himself making beans? I didn't think I had to watch you cook food as that isn't a situation most people find themselves in mortal danger! You're a child! A really smurf dumb child!

Steroids Man looks really sad and The Manager disappears.

~~

Days go by and Steroids Man is released from hospital. Steroids Man takes his first steps back into the Steroids Mansion while still in a mostly full body cast and a hail Hitler like stucked arm.

Steroids Man: Oh... this is terrible.

Amanda places him on the couch.

Amanda: There there babe, I'll get you some water!

Amanda leaves the room and Doug canoes back into it knocking down more shazam!.

Steroids Man: Look at me Doug... look what happened to me.... you have no idea what kind of pain I'm going through right now.

Doug: HELLO!!!! HAVE YOU SEEN ME!?!?! I'M A smurf CANOE!!!

Steroids Man: Whatever, did you feed my fish?

Doug: Yes....

##FLASHBACK##

Doug tries to feed the fish while rowing his canoe next to the table with the fish bowl... but the bowl tips over and the fish fall into the floor vent.

Doug: Damn it! ... wait I can fix this!

Doug gets a sharpie and draws new fish on the actual bowl and claps his hands in accomplishment.

Doug: Nobody will ever know the difference.

##End flashback##





~~~~~~this is a good spot for a pee break~~~~~~~~~~~


Amanda has spent the last few days helping Steroids Man do day-to-day things he used to be able to do on his own while he heals... like help him pee.... and yeah.... she took a few days off work to do this.

Steroids Man is still in rough shape, but healing quicker than a normal person due to magical steroid powers. He's still covered in a mostly full body cast, but can move a little better on his own now.

Steroids Man is in bed and Amanda is tucking him in as he needs to rest.

Amanda: Need anything before I head back to work?

Steroids Man: Will you tell me a bed time story to go back to sleep?

Amanda: Are you smurf serious?

Steroids Man: No.... that's ok.

Amanda: Sorry, I just really have to go back to work, call me if you need anything.

Steroids Man: Ok, love you Mom.

Amanda: Did you just call me Mom?

Steroids Man: No....

Amanda: That's not cool..... that's really weird.

Steroids Man: Sorry!

Amanda: Ok, see you later.

~~~~

Amanda is at her desk doing some work as chief of police and meeting with some subordinates when she receives a call.

Amanda: Excuse me.

Amanda picks up the phone.

Amanda: Amanda, chief of police here.

Steroids Man: Amanda.... can you come help me?

Amanda: Is it an emergency?

Steroids Man: My foot is cold..... will you cover me up?

Amanda: I already did cover you up this morning.

Steroids Man: Yeah but max jumped in bed and knocked some of the blanket off.

Amanda: Please don't call unless it's a matter of life or death.

Steroids Man: Oh.... but I'm so warm and my foot is so cold *click*

Officer Jones: Who was that?

Amanda: Wrong number, anyway back to this case....

~~~~

Amanda finishes her shift and gets in her cop car and drives home.

Amanda: Oh, what a day....

Suddenly a large Hummer crashes into the side of Amanda's squad car and runs her into a ditch and then pulls over in front of her. Amanda gets out and is a bit bloody and confused.

Amanda: What the smurf?

A mysterious man wearing a ski mask comes out of the Hummer and shoots Amanda in the legs. Amanda goes to draw her gun and it gets shot out of her hand (without hurting her hand)

Amanda: Who are you?

Amanda tries to crawl away and gets a boot to the head and is taken in the Hummer and disappears.

~~~~

Later that night~~

Steroids Man wobbles into the living room and drops himself on the couch. Phil and the robot are here.

Steroids Man: Where is Amanda.... she's not home and it's super late!

Robot: I FOUND THIS LETTER!!

Steroids Man opens and reads the mysterious letter written in blood.

Steroids Man: "Amanda is MINE do you hear?! She is MINE and you will SUFFER ALONE WHILE I MARRY HER!!!"

Steroids Man looks up after reading this and is very disturbed.

Steroids Man: What does this mean???? Is this a love note?

Phil: No.... this sounds like a kidnap note... from somebody who is really unstable...

Steroids Man: Is Amanda... in trouble??

Phil: Do you know who could have wrote this?

Steroids Man: Was it you?????

Phil: No....

Steroids Man: Use your science to help me with this!!!

Phil: It's not that simple....

Steroids Man: Why do you live if you serve no purpose!?

Steroids Man wobbles outside and cries.

Steroids Man: Amanda... where are you.... what do I do??? *cry*

~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda wakes up groggy and tied to a chair... her legs are in a lot of pain as they each have a bullet in them.

Amanda: Where.... where am I?

Kidnapper: Hello Amanda.... my goodness.... you are ravishing.... I can't wait to have your baby.

Amanda: Who is .... oh no..... Ian?

Ian: Yes that's right baby, when you say my name angels cheer and doves cry.

Amanda: How.... did you get out of the mental institution?

Ian: I used to be FBI... CIA... I have skills. I'm GOD!!!

Amanda: You're crazy.... you're more crazy then ever... let's get you some help, ok?

Ian: I have all the help I need right here! *puts on a fake mustache*

Amanda: Ok.... what do you want from me?

Ian: I've been spying on you.... cameras everywhere... I know you're not happy with that Steroids Man douchebag.

Amanda: I am happy with him!

Ian: Don't lie to me, I see how annoying he is, I see how pathetic he is, I know you're not completely happy!

Amanda: Ok, maybe things are a little rough, maybe there's some things that need to be worked out, but I love him.

Ian: YOU LOVE ME!!!!! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOVE ANYONE ELSE, DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?! DO YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!?!

Amanda begins to cry.

Amanda: What are you going to do?

Ian: That priest over there is going to marry us, and we're going to be very happy together.

Amanda: That's just a fern with a crucifix on it....

Ian: DON'T SASS MY FATHER, jabberwocky!

Ian back hands Amanda in the face.

~~~~

Steroids Man is still crying in the parking lot when he gets an idea.

Steroids Man: MANAGER!!!!

The Manager appears.

The Manager: What do you want, do you know how late it is?

Steroids Man: Amanda got kidnapped, use your nightmare horoscope powers to help me find her.

The Manager: No, you're starting to fall way behind on helping me build my machine, I STILL don't even have the plutonium I need for crying out loud!

Steroids Man: Help me find Amanda and I'll help you build your stupid toy!

The Manager reaches out and begins to burn Steroids Man as he possesses Steroids Man's soul.

The Manager: You will obey me with or without Amanda, don't you understand I own you now?

Steroids Man writhes around in pain but does not appear to be fighting back.

Steroids Man: Go ahead kill me... I can't live without Amanda.

The Manager: For crying out loud.

The Manager disappears and a strange red light overtakes the city.... then The Manager re-appears but is tired from extending his power all the way to Earth.

The Manager: She's at the abandoned KFC on the north end.....

Steroids Man: Thank you!

The Manager: Just remember, you owe me, YET AGAIN!!!

~~

Steroids Man busts in and is frantic.

Steroids Man: Hey everyone, I know where Amanda is, come help me save her!

Phil, Doug and the robot all accept and begin to approach Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: Not you Doug.

Doug: Why not?

Steroids Man: Because you're a smurf boat now and won't fit in my car!

Doug gets sad and begins to drink lighter fluid. Phil begins to put on his coat.

Steroids Man: You're not coming either Phil.

Phil: What... why not?

Steroids Man: Because you're a jabberwocky.

~~

Steroids Man limps to his car with the robot.

Robot: I SEE ONCE AGAIN, I AM THE ONE WHO IS NEEDED TO SAVE THE DAY.... I AM SUCH AN AWESOME HERO -- SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU.

Steroids Man: Shut up and drive.

Robot: I CAN'T DRIVE.

Steroids Man: But I seen you drive before!

Robot: BUT I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE PROGRAM THAT INSTRUCTS ME ON HOW TO OPERATE A VEHICLE TO MAKE WAY FOR PORNO FILES.

Steroids Man: smurf you man, I'm going alone.

Robot: BUT HOW CAN YOU DRIVE A VEHICLE IN YOUR CONDITION?

Steroids Man: Love will find a way, trust me, it always does.

Steroids Man gets his foot cast stuck on the accelerator and crashes into the mansion and totals the car.

Doug: I THINK YOU BROKE MY ARMS!!!!!

Steroids Man: smurf it I'm taking a cab.

~~~

At the hideout....

Ian: We're now married, aren't you happy now baby? DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!

Amanda: There's no way that marriage was legal.

Ian: Professor Planty McPlant is a certified priest and a musician, I HIRED HIM MYSELF DO YOU HEAR??!?!

Amanda: Here's an idea... why don't we go out for supper now? ... in a very public place...

Ian: We're going to stay right here and I'm going to sew our faces together so we can be locked in holy matrimony FOREVER!!!

Suddenly there is a thud and we can see the door vibrate... then hear something outside.

Voice outside: Oww...

Ian picks up a gun.

Ian: What was that?

Amanda: I don't know.... *cry*

Ian: YOU SENT THE CARNIVAL PEOPLE AFTER ME, DIDN'T YOU?!?!? IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

The door gets busted down and Steroids Man comes in, still covered in a lot of bandages and the better half of a body cast.

Amanda: Steroids Man!

Ian: Steroids Man!?!? You've come back to steal my girl AGAIN!!!?!? And this time you're a MUMMY?!?!?!?! DO YOU HEAR?!??!?!

Ian goes crazy and shoots at Steroids Man... the bullets goes in the casts which kinda absorbs the blows.... but not really.

Amanda musters what strength she has left in her wounded legs and jumps up while tied to the chair and knocks Ian down.... the gun falls out of Ian's hands and slides toward Steroids Man.

Amanda was actually tied more poorly then she thought and she actually managed to get free of the chair and wrestles Ian on the ground.

Steroids Man manages to shoot Ian in the leg.....

Steroids Man: Crap it's hard to aim in this stupid cast!!

Ian and Amanda get to their feet, and although they can barely stand, they exchange blows when they hit a light switch and the abandoned restaurant turns pitch black.

Steroids Man: Oh no... I can't see!

Steroids Man aims the gun and begins to sweat as all he can see are two shadowy figured fighting in the dark... also some band-aids are blocking Steroids Man's sight.

Steroids Man: Don't worry Amanda I'll save you! But Ian looks so much like you, AGGHH WICH ONE DO I SHOOT?!

Ian: If your not going to be mine, I'll ruin YOUR LIFE YA HEAR!

A car drives by outside and the headlights shine on Ian and Amanda fighting, which gives Steroids Man the chance he needs to take the shot.

Steroids Man shoots Ian... but doesn't hit where intended due to the cast making it hard to operate the gun.

Ian: MY PENIS!!!!!!

Ian falls to the ground and Amanda makes the arrest and goes over to Steroids Man:

Amanda: Steroids Man! You did it!! You saved my life!

They hug and kiss.

Amanda: How did you even know where to find me?

Steroids Man: My love for you has no limits.

Ian: THAT'S SO CORNY!!!!! YOU LOVE ME YOU jabberwocky!!!

Amanda: Steroids Man, I love YOU.

Steroids Man: I love you, sorry for being kinda crappy so far.

Amanda: I know our lives will be awesome, we'll get there.

They kiss some more.

~~~

Ian got sent back to the mental institution, minus one penis.

Amanda got a month off work to recover from the stress and the gunshot injury to her legs.

~~~

Amanda wakes up the next day to a surprise.

Amanda: What .... what did you do?

Steroids Man puts a tray of yummy breakfast food down in front of her.

Steroids Man: I made you breakfast in bed.... I thought it was time for me to take care of you now.

Amanda: But you're still in a few casts.... you shouldn't have!

Steroids Man: I did, just enjoy it baby, today is your day, I'm just so glad you're safe again.

Amanda: I love you.

Steroids Man: I love you too!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

-end

[Wesley]

What kind of food did he make? Was it really gross, but she ate it anyway so as not to hurt his feelings?

What kind of beans were those? BBQ? This is important stuff, man!

Also, the robot is pretty awesome, I hope Doug gets some legs soon, this episode was zany in different ways than it normally is.

Fun stuff! Thanks for writing this!

[Clarence]

Thanks man!

I just pictured the beans being regular beans.

As for the breakfast, he probably went to a breakfast place or got someone else to make it. We'll never know. Based on the bean cooking incident I'm sure he found a way to do it without actually doing it.

What do you think of the return of the old fling?

[Clovvach]

Haha I love episodes like these, nice nintieth episode!

Only 10 more before you have 100. :O

[Clarence]

Ian - Bad intentions - Bad person.

Steroids man - Good intentions - Stupid - Ends up doing bad things.

Steroids Man may not be entirely GOOD for her, but he's better than Ian.

Ian: "If your not going to be mine, I'll ruin YOUR LIFE YA HEAR!"

Steroids Man: "Don't worry Amanda I'll save you! But Ian looks so much like you, AGGHH WICH ONE DO I SHOOT?!"

[Clovvach]

Should I feel bad for not remembering I said that at first and laughing at my own joke XD

[Clarence]

Nah man, the sad thing is I laugh at my own jokes all the time.

But yeah, I had an idea of bringing back Ian someday and when you made that comparision I had to write it into the story somehow. Steroids Man in bandages in a dark room with a gun and Ian being extra crazy and constantly saying "DO YA HEAR"

[Clovvach]

Aww <3 thanx! Glad to see that you liked it enough XD

[Clarence]

It was great because the insane comment you had Ian say inspired me to make him crazy enough to say that line.

[Clovvach]

Because Amanda can't hear Ian enough. I just realized how often Ian wants to be heard.